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October 26, 2020 2:57 pm  #1411


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, thank you for all the information.  I don’t trust him at all. Of course he is saying he used the drugs for masturbation only.  I really appreciate it.....

 

October 26, 2020 3:42 pm  #1412


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

He's lying. It's not because he's a bad person or even because he's evil. Closeted gay men are simply incapable of honesty because we've spent most of our lives lying. Again I'm so sorry you and your children are dealing with all of this. If at all possible, I'd urge you to work on detaching with love while also protecting yourself and your children. That detachment might help you focus on facts and actions rather than his delusional reality. As I've written in countless posts, the truth is: straight men don't have sex with other men; straight men don't watch gay porn; and straight men enjoy sex with their wives. Be well! 

 

October 26, 2020 9:14 pm  #1413


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

My ex-fiancee was hooking up w/men - from what info I have, he had 'regulars' and there were random as well. He 'blames' it on growing up and living in an area where b/c of his interests (arts, music, fashion), people verbally put him in the gay box, and therefore, it got into his head and he had to explore.  To me, he's blaming others - our relationship had become very bad, I was lonely, he hadn't touched me for a year.  Erections were always a challenge, but I chalked it up to him being in his 50's.  But this was a very different relationship sexually than any other.  There was no reaction from him if I was naked or topless. Nada.  So in his words, he had to 'check it off the list' to make sure he wanted to continue a life with me.  He said the experience w/men (he only admitted to one so far) was mechanical and he didn't like that it had no emotion.  Isn't that the point, it's just about sex?  I'm really confused so any help or wisdom is very appreciated. I'm at a point where I can rationalize that it was a phase and happened over a few years and then he stopped. It lines up w/my evidence. But I could argue that he moved from texting to apps/snapchat.  He is in counseling, but still swears he wanted a life w/me. He left town every week for work, so Mon-Weds he could have been doing whatever he wanted in another city.  My mind can go wild.........

 

October 27, 2020 2:31 am  #1414


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hello JC. Thank you for writing. In reply to your questions: 

1. I am at strike three with my GIDH. Countless times watching him chat/sext/jerk off with men when he doesn’t know I know. 13 years married, 3 kids. I have stuck around long enough, right?

That is 100% your decision my friend. However, by writing "strike three" you seem to have made the decision yourself. Similarly, it appears that closeted husbands have a harder time concealing their homosexuality these days because, whether gay or straight, most leave some form of an electronic trail. In fact, I'd further suggest that most straight spouses find out via website histories, apps (like Grindr), emails, and text messages.  

2. Three times confronting him... I just don’t want to live my life distrusting and always second guessing myself and our entire relationship. It’s never going to go away... right?

I agree. I would suggest reading up on narcissism/co-dependency as most gay-in-denial (GID) husbands share a lot in common with narcissists. 

3. And he has known his whole life- he admitted that LAST time I caught him.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. However, most straight spouses never hear "I'm gay" from their GID husbands so at least you've had an admission. As for knowing his whole life, I myself knew that I was gay around age 5 or 6. But that was also when I started hiding/lying about it. Yes I knew I was gay, yet I spent almost all of my energy suppressing it. Eventually I became the lie, to a point in my 20s that I could allow myself to marry a woman and have children.   

4. I think he goes stretches of time avoiding men- but he can’t help himself.

I've been there. Once I'd had sex with a man, I could no longer have sex with my wife. But I also felt shame about cheating on her and even greater shame about having sex with men. I believe that my sexuality is hard-wired, so no matter how long I tried to suppress it, I'd inevitably have sex with men again.   

5. I just feel stupid at this point. And what’s scary is how good he pretends that nothing is wrong.

Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional so this is purely my opinion. I wouldn't feel stupid for falling in love with a closeted gay man. Gay men are often fun, charming, and highly attuned to women. I reckon it's a bit like marrying your gay best friend. Even after the "I'm gay" disclosure, your GID husband may pretend that everything is ok because he's spent a lifetime doing just that: living in denial. While his revelation may be a shock to you, on some level he's known he was gay his entire life so it may even be a relief to him. If he's anything like me, he now just wants you to "play house" with him because living in a lie is his comfort zone...but not yours. 

But I digress. As I've shared in previous posts, I would recommend you: 1. Focus on yourself and your children, not your husband; 2. Keep posting here to get the support you need; 3. Share everything with a trusted friend or family member who is not under your husband's influence; 4. Get tested for STIs and practice safe sex as most gay husbands go through a post-revelation honeymoon phase where they attempt to have lots of sex with their wives to "prove" they are straight (it normally only lasts a few weeks or months before petering out); 5. Go to individual (not couples') therapy, preferably with a therapist who has experience with LGBTQ issues and/or expertise in narcissistic/co-dependent relationships. I hope that helps my friend. Be well! 

 

Last edited by Sean (October 27, 2020 6:36 am)

 

October 27, 2020 3:26 am  #1415


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Blindone. I'm sorry as I almost missed your post. In reply: 

1. My ex-fiancee was hooking up w/men - from what info I have, he had 'regulars' and there were random as well.

Got it. Question: how did you find out about these hook ups? 

2. He 'blames' it on growing up and living in an area where b/c of his interests (arts, music, fashion), people verbally put him in the gay box, and therefore, it got into his head and he had to explore.  To me, he's blaming others...

When it comes to sexuality, there are two main camps: nature (born this way) and nurture (______ made me gay). Like me, most out gay men I know believe they were born gay. Most closeted or deeply religious gay men I've met, or those who still feel shame about their homosexuality, say things like: 

- My dominant mother made me gay. 
- My absent father made me gay. 
- (My favourite) Gay porn made me gay. 
- I was attacked by a man in college and that made me gay. 
 
It's all bullsh*t. Whenever straight people tell me my sexuality is a choice, I always ask them when they chose to be straight. Their puzzled looks often prove my point. So I agree he's just blaming others because he's ashamed. 

3. Our relationship had become very bad, I was lonely, he hadn't touched me for a year.  Erections were always a challenge, but I chalked it up to him being in his 50's.  But this was a very different relationship sexually than any other.  There was no reaction from him if I was naked or topless. Nada. 

I'm sorry you and other straight spouses have to endure this kind of sexual rejection. Sadly, it has nothing to do with you. It's simply that gay men are not attracted to women's bodies and do not want to have sex with women. 

4. So in his words, he had to 'check it off the list' to make sure he wanted to continue a life with me. 

Bullsh*t. 

5. He said the experience w/men (he only admitted to one so far)...

More bullsh*t. He's only admitting one relationship to you

6....was mechanical and he didn't like that it had no emotion.  Isn't that the point, it's just about sex?  I'm really confused so any help or wisdom is very appreciated. I'm at a point where I can rationalize that it was a phase and happened over a few years and then he stopped. It lines up w/my evidence.

DON'T MARRY THIS TOXIC MAN AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. Read my post above about men who are emotionally straight but sexually gay. While I'm not a mental health expert, I believe that some gay men want relationships with women, often to conform to religious views about "one man one woman" being the only true form of marriage. I call these men emotionally straight because they do love women, not unlike how they would love a mother, sister, or aunt. But they remain sexually gay, meaning they have a hard-wired attraction to men. I believe this is why closeted men often claim "it's just sex" or "I could never see myself in a relationship with a man."  This isn't a phase my friend, he's gay. He probably just did a better job of hiding it. 

7. But I could argue that he moved from texting to apps/snapchat. 

Yes! You can't just choose to be a lesbian from one day to the next. That's not how it works. It's the same for gay men. We can't just choose to be straight. We just work harder to hide it. 

8. He is in counseling, but still swears he wanted a life w/me. He left town every week for work, so Mon-Weds he could have been doing whatever he wanted in another city.  My mind can go wild...

You certainly dodged a bullet on this one my friend. Am I right to assume you two are still in touch? If yes, I'd strongly recommend cutting off all contact, at least until he (inevitably) comes out. My motto "never get in a pool with a drowning man..." and this disturbed man certain seems to drowning emotionally. What you've referred to is sometimes called "splitting" which is akin to a gay man being out in the city and then playing straight when back home in the country. 

So what's my point? I'd suggest taking all of the energy you're putting into understanding and/or healing this man and focus 100% on yourself. So I'd suggest detaching with love, ending all contact with him, and working with a mental health professional to get over this toxic man. Be well!   

 

Last edited by Sean (October 27, 2020 3:27 am)

 

October 27, 2020 7:09 am  #1416


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, nice to see you here again.  Hope you are well.  Lily

 

October 27, 2020 2:17 pm  #1417


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Sean , I dont know ,, his hostility remains high , I had a Doctors appointment today and he never asked how it went , no meal when I came home after 12 hour shift ...not a happy man ! 
He is a really hands on Dad and adores our children who are very young so maybe its a plot to alienate me , who knows
My parents are very wealthy , maybe he thinks I can move to one of their properties ( think on ..Im onto him )

 

October 27, 2020 3:03 pm  #1418


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for writing Virion. In reply:

1. I dont know, his hostility remains high, I had a Doctors appointment today and he never asked how it went, no meal when I came home after 12 hour shift ...not a happy man

Perhaps you should manage your expectations, particularly after more or less outing him. I'd suggest discussing this with your therapist or a mental health professional. If your husband is indeed a gay-in-denial narcissist, he might be punishing you for no longer buying into his bullsh*t. Narcissists also struggle with empathy which may explain why he didn't ask about your doctor's appointment.  

2. He is a really hands on dad and adores our children who are very young so maybe its a plot to alienate me, who knows.

It's possible. 
 
3. My parents are very wealthy, maybe he thinks I can move to one of their properties (think on...I'm onto him.) 

You're very lucky if you're not financially dependent on him. This will make it easier to separate/divorce should you choose to go down that route. Good luck! 

 

October 28, 2020 4:05 am  #1419


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks again Sean, your insight is invaluable.,  Well hes not GID in that he told all of our friends/family and his work colleagues in March  that he is indeed HOMOSEXUAL and had decided to reveal this in order to ease his mental health issue of depression.He also publicly thanked me for my support and commitment to our marriage going forward ( which I agreed to at the time)
The managing my expectations thing resonated with me- yes I'm calling out the bs - that explains it 
What I am confused about after all this saga is why he now thinks he's not gay
He's not narcissistic ( I was previously married to one so know the signs) but yes he definitely has issues with empathy and bipolar I feel 

 

October 28, 2020 7:23 am  #1420


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, you have been a wonderful resource.  Thank you....

 

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