Sonata,
  I think the opening up of society again after the pandemic has had the effect of making us consider again a lot of what we were at least somehwat grateful not to have to confront during the lockdown.  
 
  To reacquaint myself with your situation I used the Search feature to go back and read all your posts (also in context on the threads on which you posted).  

  Here's what I see:

  Your husband has told you more than once and that he cannot completely commit to you and will not rule out a relationship with a man in the future.  That is a horrible uncertainty for you to be living with.  

  Your husband has repeatedly brought up the subject of your allowing him to have sex with the man he cheated with, and tells you that he is feeling a lot of distress about not seeing him.  That is a bid for your sympathy, and makes him seem like the poor victim.  

  Your husband has contacted this man, sending him a sexual image--the photo of the penis-shape Christmas decoration in a window--after he told you he would cut off contact with him.  He then tried to minimize this by saying it was a group text; it's more likely that he wanted to contact the man and sending a group text was cover.  

 Your husband's behavior to you has not changed despite marriage counseling. He has not become more loving; nor has the quantity or quality of the sex improved.  Now he says he doesn't want to do any more counseling.  You're at an impasse. 
 

When I read what you have to say about yourself, I see these things:

I see that you repeatedly write about how unhappy and unfulfilled you are.

I see that you blame yourself, disparaging your body, referencing your own dysfunctional upbringing, describing the problem as your inability to get over his cheating (as if that should be your obligation!). 

I see that you offer over and over, as if in defense of staying in an unfulfilling and unhappy marriage, the claim that the two of you love each other, as if that fact means that you should stay in a marriage with a man who withholds his emotions and affection, does not initiate sex, has cheated on you and then told you how much he misses the man he cheated with and wishes you would allow him to have sex with him "a few times a year," has not responded to what in marriage counseling you have said you need, and who now has refused any more counseling.  You can't make the marriage work all by yourself.
   
 I see that you end your latest post with a question, and that this is not the first time you ended a post with a question.  I think you think getting a definitive answer to these questions  will help you decide whether to stay in your marriage or go, but I think they have a different, or at least, additional function.  They function as a way for you to temporize, to push a decision down the road, to avoid having to come to a painful realization, make a painful decision, and do the very difficult thing of acting to end your marriage.  It is abundantly clear that your husband will not end the marriage, despite telling you that he cannot promise to commit to you forever and telling you--and showing you!--that he has not stopped thinking of the man he cheated on you with.  He wants a heterosexual family life but a homosexual sex life.  He wants the cover of a marriage.  He wants you to continue functioning as his beard.  

 I see that the question you pose at the end of this post is related to love.  I think you are asking this particular question this time not only as a way to kick the decision down the road, but also because it reflects a step on the road to acceptance.  It's a question steeped in grief: Does my husband love me?  He may very well love you, in certain ways.  He might genuinely appreciate some of your personal qualities.  He certainly loves certain services and support you provide--an outwardly unremarkable heterosexual life which provides cover for his homosexual one; a salary (he's unemployed).  

   But here's a truth: Just because you love someone doesn't mean they or the relationship is good for you.  There is such a thing as unhealthy love.  You say that your family of origin was dysfunctional, and that you never had a model of what a good relationship should be.  The thing about dysfunctional families is that they don't just fail to provide good models; they teach us, covertly and overtly, bad ones.  In them we learn all sorts of unhealthy behaviors and ways of thinking about ourselves, and we carry them forward into our lives.  Well, a marriage can be dysfunctional as well, plagued with those patterns and ideas about ourselves and our roles we absorbed in our childhood families.  

  I couldn't tell from your posts whether you are seeing your own individual counselor or just a marriage counselor, but if you aren't, seeking out a counselor just for yourself, ideally one with experience with the trauma of living as a straight spouses and who sees cheating as abuse, would be a good step for you.  Also, go see a lawyer, to see what your rights are if you divorce.  

  One parting observation: In your posts, you have cited the added complexity your son presents as a reason for the two of you to stay together.  Here's the thing about that: when you are depressed and all your mental energy is going to your husband, you have less to give to your son, and, additionally, you are less able cognitively to be creative and positive about helping him.  I'd also observe that although life as a single mother of an autistic teenager is not easy, life as the mother of an autistic teenage while being married to an unemployed man who cheats on you long term with a man he is in love with is way, way more stressful.  



  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 18, 2021 7:29 am)

Hello Sonata,

Sorry things are still unsettled in your marriage. 

In my opinion, your H doesn’t sound confused. I believe he wants to confuse and overwhelm you with hard to take information, tasks and put downs to paralyze your ability to make logical and rational decisions. 

I think this points to immaturity and lack of responsibility.  He may be like my late GIDXH who equated love from me to be just like the unconditional love a mother gives to her son.  I gave this to him. I was doing 100% of the work to keep the marriage together, was the sole breadwinner and had no mature affection or intimacy from him.

I asked for reciprocity from him constantly. He promised but could never quite do it. I concluded he never wanted to be an equal partner. The promises were meant to keep me befuddled so he could continue having a mom take care of him. It was a deliberate manipulation to keep me in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

OutofHisCloset wrote:

   
 I see that you end your latest post with a question, and that this is not the first time you ended a post with a question.  I think you think getting a definitive answer to these questions  will help you decide whether to stay in your marriage or go, but I think they have a different, or at least, additional function.  They function as a way for you to temporize, to push a decision down the road, to avoid having to come to a painful realization, make a painful decision, and do the very difficult thing of acting to end your marriage.  It is abundantly clear that your husband will not end the marriage, despite telling you that he cannot promise to commit to you forever and telling you--and showing you!--that he has not stopped thinking of the man he cheated on you with.  He wants a heterosexual family life but a homosexual sex life.  He wants the cover of a marriage.  He wants you to continue functioning as his beard.  

 I see that the question you pose at the end of this post is related to love.  I think you are asking this particular question this time not only as a way to kick the decision down the road, but also because it reflects a step on the road to acceptance.  It's a question steeped in grief: Does my husband love me?  He may very well love you, in certain ways.  He might genuinely appreciate some of your personal qualities.  He certainly loves certain services and support you provide--an outwardly unremarkable heterosexual life which provides cover for his homosexual one; a salary (he's unemployed).  

   But here's a truth: Just because you love someone doesn't mean they or the relationship is good for you.  There is such a thing as unhealthy love.  You say that your family of origin was dysfunctional, and that you never had a model of what a good relationship should be.  The thing about dysfunctional families is that they don't just fail to provide good models; they teach us, covertly and overtly, bad ones.  In them we learn all sorts of unhealthy behaviors and ways of thinking about ourselves, and we carry them forward into our lives.  Well, a marriage can be dysfunctional as well, plagued with those patterns and ideas about ourselves and our roles we absorbed in our childhood families.  

  

This. This. This.

Sonata, this man is using you in every way. Love isn't a reason to allow someone to cheat, lie, gaslight, and steal your precious time. 

You should explore whatever option that your gut tells you.