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1 of 1- hellobritty
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Guilt
I just asked my husband who is currently transitioning, hormones and all, to stop wearing his wedding ring. I stopped a few months ago, but as he is getting deeper into this I can no longer stand him wearing that ring. Now he refuses to speak to me in our home, or answer his phone or texts. He said I'm hurting his feelings by rejecting him. Even though I'm furious at him for not even sitting down with me and discussing the need to transition, I still feel guilty that I'm hurting him in some way. He hasn't shown an ounce of respect for my feelings, but I still can't shake this guilt. Has anyone felt this way?
- MJM017
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Re: Guilt
Hellobritty,
This is a lot to handle. I am guessing your h knows which buttons to push to induce guilt in you so you’ll comply with his wants and demands. It’s normal to feel this if he’s manipulating you. It’s a little childish to give you the silent treatment. You can chose to do what feels right for the situation, despite feeling guilty. It’s not his business to control or dictate.
My late GIDXH did the same to me when I stood up to him during marriage. I had to learn the skill of setting boundaries when every bone in my body felt squeamish about doing it.
Take care,
Maria
Last edited by MJM017 (June 16, 2021 12:31 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- hellobritty
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Re: Guilt
Thank you. Yes, I tend to be a people pleaser so hurting/disappointing him makes my stomach turn. But, when I think of all the gaslighting, selfishness, etc, I get mad. It's an emotional rollercoaster!
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Guilt
You're hurting his feelings??!?!?!??!!! What about the way he has hurt yours? Has he given one nano-second of thought to what it feels like for you for you to have a husband who rejects his maleness? I thought not.
The entitlement of these wanna-be women is off the charts.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Guilt
hellobritty wrote:
......... He hasn't shown an ounce of respect for my feelings, but I still can't shake this guilt. Has anyone felt this way?
Hey there Britty 
Yes yes yes....months of guilt, because I used tears and confused emotion when I didn't understand what was happening (my partner is bisexual and asked me to be okay with him experimenting alone) and he would get angry and tell me "you always do this, it's a cycle of every 3 months". He always said this derisively with a turned down mouth and I would always back down, try to appease him. I felt guilty because (I learned) I was co-dependent and it took me months to realise I was co-dependent because that's how he wanted me to feel, and see myself. I went through these emotional/guilty/contrite/emotional stages until I could no longer deny the obvious pattern of them. I consciously tracked them when they happened, even down to the moment when I'd decide "he's right, life will be worse if I leave"
I no longer feel any of those things but am sure that to finally see an open door I might need emotion to propel me through it
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Guilt
Absolutely, OOHC! The GID partners aren’t any better - throwing anyone under the bus who is scratching at their closet. Ugh!
Hellobritty, I frequently blew my top and had smoke coming out of my ears when my GIDXH would pull his tricks. He wanted a professional manicure once. He wasn’t trans, but who knows. I wasn’t going to pay since he wasn’t working. Going to a nail salon seemed gay. I said - well, that puts the man in manicure doesn’t it?
Your anger is normal and healthy. In my experience, it gave me the motivation to set boundaries. He broke them all. I snapped one day and left. It was the beginning of feeling ok when I didn’t people please.
I hope things get better for you.
P.S. I wanted to answer again because my anger motivated me to know that I mattered and was worthwhile. It gave me the energy to push my disrespectful “teenage son” husband out the door. He needed to grow up and support himself without me.
Last edited by MJM017 (June 16, 2021 3:33 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Zenobia
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Re: Guilt
“Has anyone felt this way” yes hellobritty absolutely.
I stopped wearing mine early on. Too much betrayal. At one point early on he asked a few times about some rings we were going to order “before”. I looked at him like he had lost his mind and asked him why? Zero consideration for how I felt and zero comprehension that the family was irreparably broken. It often feels like he thinks I and our child are just background set pieces. We aren’t real with real feeling, just someone to talk about in the phone with new friends and act like we weren’t completely abandoned.
Ugh all I keep saying to those of us in this situation is how sorry I am for your pain. I really am though. It makes it less lonely to know you aren’t the only one going through something but so many lives just tossed off track…it hurts.
- Rob
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Re: Guilt
Hellobritty,
"..He said I'm hurting his feelings by rejecting him..."
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. We know it all too well.
I learned now that a healthy normal relationship does not include these things. If any of these come up one should be able to talk about it in a relationship with a normal person.
This is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- TakenbySurprise
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Re: Guilt
You aren't rejecting him. If he wanted to be the him you signed up for when you married him, there would be no need for you to reject him. You are rejecting his ridiculous idea of becoming a her, which you did not sign up for and should not be obliged to accept with open arms.