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June 4, 2021 5:37 am  #1

I feel like I know the answer..

So I feel like I know the answer to my question, but I have yet to find a safe-space and/or person to talk to about everything and I think that may be the missing element to my acceptance. So get prepared for alot of details, some probably completely useless. My boyfriend and I started dating a little over a year ago, we pretty much met and then moved in together. After our third encounter we were inseperable. I am 28 and he is 37. He's also been in and out of prison and is an active gang member..his reputation precedes him so he is known and respected by many. He immediately started going through my phone, when he would go to work he would record me in our room (I had no idea at the time) and we fought alot. I started going through his phone and found texts between him and a man, a man had sent a photo and my boyfriend has sent a photo with the caption 'for you'..I confronted him and he got really defensive and abusive. I dropped it and then about a week later we went to the casino..when we exited he was talking to a group of guys and called me over to him. Long story short one of the guys was talking about how he makes money using OnlyFans and that some of his viewers are male and he makes videos for them purely for the money. When we got into our car my boyfriend said that's what he was doing hence the texts. I honestly just dropped it, at the time I just couldn't fathom it. Our sex was..better than good, we were always together when we weren't working, and who I knew him to be just didn't add up to him being gay. Fast forward a couple of months and we had gotten a hotel and he fell asleep pretty early. I went through his phone and hit the jackpot, normally hes pretty thorough in clearing everything for storage space, but because he passed out abruptly he didn't do his usual sweep. I found an Adam4Adam log in and went to his profile and inbox. He was having multiple conversations with multiple men. His availability was my work schedule, I had addresses, he left a chain at ones house. I couldn't contain myself, couldn't think straight to email or text proof I just woke him up crying and threw his phone at him. I will never forget the look on his face, like a scared little boy. He immediately deleted all of his accounts and was sorry for a minute but then made it about me. We broke up and shortly got back together, he said he was bi but refused to talk about it. I wanted to understand what it was, I wanted us to figure out what that meant for our relationship. If that was something he needed, I was willing to figure out what that looked like for us. He hated the idea, said that it wasn't something he needed, blah blah blah. He never would talk about it, it would instantly cause a fight. I don't find anything for a couple of months. Then I just get a feeling I found his profile but there was no picture. I made an account and started messaging the profile and eventually asked for pics and what do you kno, it's my fucking boyfriend in our bed..taking dick pics!! I just log off and mention it, he gets mad but says he's glad I found him out so that he didn't go through with anything? Well..everything had been find then about a month ago I find deleted texts of him going to meet a man for a hookup..even joked about how it was going to cause a fight between us. He won't even let me get close to bringing it up.

So honestly..I don't know what I'm looking for. Regardless of whether or not he's gay bi straight he's unfaithful and doesn't care about me or my health..his sexuality has nothing to do with that. I just don't know how this became my normal..I let this man get away with murder and allow him to blame me! I guess I'm just looking for support because I haven't been able to tell anyone what's really going on. thanks and advance and I apologize if I broke any forum rules or etiquette. And I'm totally aware of the toxicity of that relationship..we are currently broken up for a multitude of reasons. Thanks again.


June 4, 2021 7:17 am  #2

Re: I feel like I know the answer..

Run away!  There’s so much wrong here I don’t even know where to begin. The fact that he’s not straight is merely part of the problem.


June 4, 2021 10:29 am  #3

Re: I feel like I know the answer..

Your boyfriend sounds like a monster. An abusive, manipulative, lying, cheating monster. You deserve so much better!

Are you safe now? Step one is getting the hell out of there. No contact. Just vanish and block. If needed, an order of protection may be required.

Have you attended a group for SSN, cheaters, or survivors of abuse? This can also be beneficial. Talking with others, hearing their stories. You can and will break free from this.

Have you explored talking to a counselor? I think it could help. Personally, I found that I'm attracted to people who treat me badly (YAY), and therapy helped me understand why. It gave me a view into the warning signs I should be aware of.

One other action that I found helpful was journaling. I always sort of laughed at how wasteful it seemed, but when you're dealing with someone actively gaslighting you this can be helpful to firmly plant your version of reality somewhere. It gives your story weight. This may help as you come "out of the fog" of this terrible place.

This is an abusive relationship created by a predator. He will do everything in his power to manipulate you into delaying. Do not stay!

Wishing you brighter days on the path ahead and we're here to help!


June 4, 2021 2:42 pm  #4

Re: I feel like I know the answer..

Amariex.... You sound scared and a little stuck. By the grace of your own intuition and common sense you've had the chance to see where this r'ship could go.
Any mention of the words prison and respected gang member would make me stop and think long and hard. We have gangs in New Zealand and they're very tight and well-run business'. Add the fact he is not straight and has a secret part of himself he probably doesn't show to the world... I'd get out of there before you've been in your r'ship for as long as some of us...and can't get out.
What sort of gang? If he's been in prison is the gang involved with crime and drugs?

Can't you hear the warning bells going off in your head?


KIA KAHA                       

June 5, 2021 12:04 pm  #5

Re: I feel like I know the answer..

My Momma always used to say that if you don't have trust and respect, then you don't have anything. I have absolutely ZERO tolerence for lies. Do you like being lied to???  Don't be gaslight; you will be furious at yourself for it later. Journaling is a great tool for not being gaslit; it helps you see what reality truely is.

Please read the first aid thread and read, even if you don't post, here everyday. You are not alone.


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