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1 of 1- Hurtex
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Divorced and hurt
I divorced my ex last year after many years of a sexless, toxic marriage. My ex was controlling and abusive and wouldn't even touch me for years. I left my career to be a stay at home mom and follow him around the world. We moved to 4 different countries and I always felt isolated and very dependent of him. We finally moved back to the states and with the support of my family, I left him. One thing I should say is that I never found anything that told me that he was cheating or seeing other people but there were a few incidents during our marriage that got me questioning his sexuality. It wasn't until I finally left him that I understood that he is most likely gay. Right now he is in a tropical island with a mysterious person. Nobody knows who this person is but they are paying for him to go to a very exclusive resort in the Caribbean. I guess he found a sugar daddy. Today I realized what I've been so blind to see and it just broke my heart. 14 years in a fake marriage to somebody who just destroyed my self esteem and crushed my personality. The last 2 years of our marriage I was in antidepressants and anxiety medication. I couldn't sleep. I was dying slowly. I am glad that I made it out but the pain remains. Not because I love him but because I wasted my time in a lie. I don't want to hate him. We share a son but I wish he was decent enough to be honest and tell me the truth. I guess I just want to know is if this pain goes away one day?? I don't want to feel like this for ever.
- Daryl
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Re: Divorced and hurt
You won't always feel like this. This is much like a roller coaster - big dips and rises at first and they gradually level out. Keep building your support network and find and do things that bring you joy.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- MJM017
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Re: Divorced and hurt
Hello Hurtex,
Am sorry you are going through this. I can relate.
I had a sexless, abusive long-term marriage to a gay man in denial. He looked in pain when I tried to initiate. I felt like an animal and not a human being after a while.
I never had solid evidence of his gay activity either. . (He passed away a few months after the divorce four years ago.) I saw a Facebook post to a male friend about a teenage boy they’d picked up & the fun they had. That was it. I asked him monthly if he was gay. He said no all the time. Just lie after lie from him. :-(
You don’t have to hate your GIDXH, but you can hate his behavior. You can deeply dislike him for the rest of your life. I dislike mine for sure.
I felt like I had a boulder tied around my neck right after the divorce. It was impossible to move forward. With time, my hard work, and lots of support, I feel more like my old self. I have the joy Daryl talks about.
Please post here as often as you want.
Thinking good thoughts for you and your son.
Maria
**Edited for clarity.**
Last edited by MJM017 (June 3, 2021 8:03 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Hurtex
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Re: Divorced and hurt
Thank you guys,
I've been crying for the past 3 days. All I can I think about is all the lies. I wanted to have another child and because of him I didn't now I am 40 in a new relationship with a man who wants kids but I am having fertility issues. I hate him so much for all the pain he caused and is still causing and because he never once apologized. When I left him, he acted like the victim. Now he is having fun with his lover in a tropical paradise. He left me with nothing after 14 yrs. He kept our apartment. He doesn't give me child support even when my son is most of the time with me. My son never liked him and now I understand why.
I just want for this pain to end and the feeling of deep betrayal to go away. I know it will with time but it's just hard.
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Thread Starter- Upside
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Re: Divorced and hurt
Sorry to hear your ex-husband did this to you, Hurtex. I share these feelings. Sadness. Rage. Hollowness.
Your feelings are valid. It is unfair that your ex is seemingly free from repercussions. Karma needs to clarify its timelines.
My wife wasted 15 years of my life without having the decency of truth. I can say that I have spent the last two years in this dreamlike state now. It hit me recently that my time in mourning is nearing 10% of the time of my entire marriage. For some reason, seeing it through this neutral lens woke me up. Do I want to spend the next 15 years wistful for the time I lost? Or is it best to try and live for the time I have left?
Please know that the best revenge for our stories is a happy, fulfilled life. It may look different than you had planned, but there are many paths to any goal. With children, whether on your own, with a surrogate, or fostering/adoption there are possibilities.
You didn't choose the hand you were dealt, but you can choose how you react today and each day from here on to make those dreams happen. That's my take on this, at least. Trying each day.