OurPath Open Forum
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- TangledOil
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Hi Sam,
I just noticed that and I really appreciate it. Thank you. That’s what prompted me to start this post. Thank you again. I want people to feel safe and comfortable in the MOM section.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (May 20, 2021 9:44 am)
- Daryl
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
When posting I try to keep a few things in mind. The first thing comes from my time attending the local Straight's meet up group, which was run by one of the SSN triage people, who is also a professional counselor in this area. It was a very simple rule.
"We don't tell people what they should do."
I only saw that rule broken once, when a new person came to the meeting and their spouse was participating in very dangerous activities. Even then the advice was only to see a doctor and get tested for everything. (A health concern, still not advising on what to do.) (My personal opinion, I think 'see a doctor', 'talk to a counselor', 'talk to a lawyer' are all fair statements to make here. Always tailored to the situation described. Suggested links to applicable resources are also fair.)
That doesn't mean I won't contribute my own personal experiences and what others have reported in the past. I try to stay away from diagnosing people as gay or bi, etc. but I have no hesitation in pointing someone out as a cheater. (Sometimes the larger issue obscures that type of character flaw or we haven't yet come to the place in our heads where we realize our partner could do that to us.)
I also think it's important to treat first time posters with special care. Some are shell-shocked, maybe hoping we have a magic solution, desperately clinging to the familiar instead of this scary unknown future. When you are in that position, you don't need to be overloaded in advice that's intended for someone further down the road. Triage is about stabilizing the patient. It is true that we sometimes get a new member who is well down the road and asking deep questions, in which case it's fine to get just as deep with the responses. I think these are the exceptions. I think our first steps are acknowledging the poster and listening to them. Once we get a good sense of what they are facing, we can better tailor our responses.
My final personal rule about posting is to proof read before clicking Submit. Don't forget the old advice "Does it help? Does it hurt?" (albeit it can be a grey area at times.)
Peace.
(edited for typos - so much for proof-reading! 
)
Last edited by Daryl (May 20, 2021 10:04 am)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- TangledOil
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Soaplife,
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and I’m glad you found SSN and that it was helpful to you and that now you’re using it as a platform to help others in similar situations.
Mostly what others have complained to me about regarding SSN is that others assume their situation is far worse than they are describing. For example, if someone says their spouse is bi, they are told their spouse is in fact gay... bi doesn’t exist. If someone says their spouse hasn’t cheated, they are told he or she has cheated. Those kind of responses from some others (not you) put some people off immediately.
It’s all really a mixed bag and it’s probably just one of those situations where not everyone can be pleased.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (May 20, 2021 10:30 am)
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
I don't think we should be publicly naming other posters or trying to define who belongs here. If you have a concern about someones' responses on this forum, I think it's better to ping the admins. (As always, my personal opinion.)
Cheers,
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- TangledOil
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Thank you Daryl. I think you’re approach sounds great. I’m hopeful that more people adopt such an approach. It is typically the very new that feel they are not being heard because many here make negative assumptions about what their life must truly be like. I have no familiarity with SSN meetings and no one else I've spoken with ever mentioned the meetings. They were only describing what goes on online.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (May 20, 2021 10:28 am)
- •
Thread Starter- TangledOil
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Daryl wrote:
I don't think we should be publicly naming other posters or trying to define who belongs here. If you have a concern about someones' responses on this forum, I think it's better to ping the admins. (As always, my personal opinion.)
Cheers,
good point, I’ll edit and message personally
- •
Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Hi,
These are the old tried and true rules of netiquette. I certainly need to remember these always.
The Core Rules of Netiquette by Virginia Shea
The following 10 rules and reminders for online communication and behaviour have been summarized from Virginia Shea's book, Netiquette.
Rule 1: Remember the human
Remember that behind every screen is a human being with independent thoughts and feelings. It is easy to misunderstand or be rude to others when you are not interacting with them in person. Before clicking send or post, ask yourself: Would you say it to the person's face?
Rule 2: Adhere to the same standards of behavior as in "real life"
This rule is a reminder that the ethical standards and laws that govern our society extend to cyberspace as well. This includes harrassment and bullying, copyright regulations, and privacy.
Rule 3: Know where you are in cyberspace
Different environments require different behaviour. The way we interact with our friends, for example, may not be acceptable in a school or work situation. This principle extends to online environments as well. Comments that are acceptable on Facebook, for instance, may be considered inappropriate on a professional networking site such as LinkedIn.
Rule 4: Respect other people's time and bandwidth
In this rule, "bandwidth" is synonymous with "time." When you send and email or post on a discussion board, keep your comments brief and relevant to the environment or situation.
Rule 5: Make yourself look good online
There are many positive aspects about the Internet, including the ability to remain anonymous. This rule is a reminder not to allow this aspect of the Internet influence how you communicate. Pay attention to your grammar, spelling and word choices as well as the overall content and truthfulness of your writing, as this is what others are using to judge you.
Rule 6: Share expert knowledge
The Internet is a great platform for sharing good information. However, it can also be used to spread misinformation and distortions. If you hold a lot of knowledge about a certain topic or subject, don't be afraid to share it online in a manner that is helpful and accurate.
Rule 7: Help keep flame wars under control
"Flaming" refers to verbal disagreements that occur between users in contexts such as message boards. They are often a result of strongly held opinions and emotions. As in rule 4, do not monopolize online discussion with long or offensive commentary.
Rule 8: Respect other people's privacy
The Internet is an open forum. Remember not to share information about others that could get them -- or yourself -- into trouble, both personally and professionally.
Rule 9: Don't abuse your power
This rule is intended for those who carry more power on the Internet as experts, designers, system administrators or even hackers. Power should always be used responsibly and not to harm or take advantage of those who are less powerful or knowledgeable.
Rule 10: Be forgiving of other people's mistakes
Give other users the benefit of the doubt and consider that they may come from a different background or have less experience on the Internet. Do not be rude when you encounter someone's mistake -- always respond with courtesy and respect.
Edited for typos.
Last edited by MJM017 (May 20, 2021 11:35 am)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- MJM017
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
TangledOil,
I had a scary marriage to a man in the closet who beat and threatened me. He refused to work and stole my hard earned money. I wanted to leave him earlier, but was in fear of my life if I did so.
I don’t know if you’ve seen me write about this. I have written often about my courtship and marriage to him. He passed away. It’s safe for me to write about it.
I politely ask that you be cognizant of people who need to stay in a MOM to keep them and their children alive.
Here are the unpleasant statistics for the US. Sorry if it’s a repeat.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Daryl
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
These are the old tried and true rules of netiquette. I certainly need to remember these always.
These are great tips!
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- SusanneH
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
I am SO glad to see such positive suggestions made here. I, too, have been so disappointed in the negativity on this site. When I first found it; and, yes, it came up first on my search, I found the answers to posters’ questions very negative and not very hopeful for someone new looking for a way to save my marriage.
I finally found the MOM section, and it was at least support, giving suggestions on HOW to make it work, if you indeed want it to. I do wish there was more there. I know there are more out there who are truly making their MOMs work. I've seen it on FB, discord & Reddit.
I found other forums/etc that were much more positive, with people on it that had very similar experiences. Instead of everyone giving suggestions to get a lawyer and divorce, most were helping each other navigate their new MOM situations. Some, of course, can’t be. When I was searching for some examples before I wrote this, I found many that really don’t look like they can be saved.
However, when a straight spouse comes here and pours out their heart, no matter the problem, and then asks:
”What can I do to save my marriage?” Or “Can it work if he’s bi or gay” or anything that asks how can I make it work?........
we should be trying to help that person with that dilemma. Help them learn how to navigate their MOM. Unless it’s a dangerous situation, or similar, we shouldn’t be telling them: “get a lawyer & get a divorce” (I did run across one of those while searching, and the OP wanted help with her marriage). I see too much of that.
There is a group (maybe more than one) that has a rule: (not worded exact) - Never tell anyone to leave their marriage. It’s just not up to us....
In AA, they have a saying: We do not give advice. We share our experience, strength and hope.
I like that. and try to stick to it, even if not always successful.
All the best to everyone.
Last edited by SusanneH (May 20, 2021 4:39 pm)