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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 26, 2021 5:27 am  #1


Do you wish?

Does anyone wish you could go back to being oblivious and seemingly happy, or that your significant other never came out of the closet?   When it was merely speculation on my part I thought I needed to know, things would be better some how.  But since he's confirmed that he's bi, things are more complicated.   I wanted the openess and communication but now it feels strange to hear him talk about it.  I really feel like it's the old "Be careful what you wish for," double-edged sword and any other cliche' you want to add.  The cat isn't going back into the bag.....    

Last edited by Kitty150 (March 26, 2021 7:50 am)

 

March 26, 2021 6:57 am  #2


Re: Do you wish?

Yes. 

I did wish that I never knew and could go back to being oblivious and happy.  I loved him so much and we had what I considered an almost perfect life. People used to comment about how lucky we were to have each other and be so in love. 

Now that we are no longer together and time is gradually easing my trauma, I don't feel that way anymore.  What we had was a mirage.  He married me knowing he wanted to be a woman and had sexual desire for men and not women (not me anyways).   

I have a new life now (albeit stunted by the Corona virus isolation) and it's my belief that there are better times on the horizon.  Without him. 

Someone told me that the year 2021 will not be a year of hope, but of possibilities.  I keep telling myself that.  I cannot be mired in the past and events that were out of my control.  It's time to move forward, alone. 

 

March 26, 2021 8:01 am  #3


Re: Do you wish?

No.

I can see how really badly she treated me..narcisstic.  always made up drama and made up difficulties.
Another reason..how scary that if I got sick or injured she was capable of discarding me in an instant.

Capable of so much malevolent hurt.

I would never want to go back even if the gay was forgotten..there would be all the other immorals and hurt..that even if I was oblivious to would harm me. I can see now the lack of unconditional love that I received...to live in that again, even if oblivious..no I have too much self love and respect now.   It's like I lived but had been joining her in hurting me.
To live that life again with an insatiable wife..it would kill me.

No, I thank God everyday for saving me from a marriage that was clearly broken ..my strong fierce love could not fix what was happening to me. I could not see it but he could.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 26, 2021 9:33 am  #4


Re: Do you wish?

My friend has not come out yet but I am glad that I know. Finding out that he lied hurt but it hurts less all of the time. All my life I have heard the expression "Don't get mad, get even" I am not very conniving but I am waiting on karma to do the dirty work for me.

 

March 26, 2021 1:30 pm  #5


Re: Do you wish?

Kitty, my ex admitted to being bisexual for two weeks.  Then he went back in the closet.  He said I have changed my mind, I am 100% straight and when I replied but what if I don't think so his response was if you don't think the same it would mean you are insane.

That's the point I started the process of getting divorced.  It was a genuine threat, toe the line or else.  The reality of him going back in the closet was frankly scary.

At first I had thought now his secret is out we will talk better and be friends again like in the early days.  But the reality of the conversation about him being bisexual was he still had his own agenda.  He wanted to re-establish control over me like he had it before.  He'd never really left his closet - he likes being deceptive, he likes being able to manipulate people from the safety of it.

You said earlier on that if you learned he had stepped out on you in the past or he did it now you are done.

Just being analytical about it for a moment, how likely do you think it is he hasn't?  He is even saying he wants to do it in the future.

There is a world of difference between expressing your feelings by saying things like I am done and actually going through with it.  Trouble is if you don't go through with it you don't have your innocence to protect you any more, you are voluntarily turning a blind eye and he knows it.  If this is a limbo dance then the bar just dropped.

sorry.  we know how impossibly hard this is here. 



 

 

March 26, 2021 1:56 pm  #6


Re: Do you wish?

Sometimes, I think about it and wish it was the way I thought it had been..........I thought we had a miracle marriage, as my first husband passed away just after I turned 50 (we had been married 32 years & I figured I’d end with good success....maybe should have listened to myself)  and being ill & pretty much housebound, I wasn’t going to “get out there” in the dating scene, much less get married again. But, a friend of mine had different ideas & invited both of us to her house for a BBQ. We had dated twice in high school. Funny, he was known as ‘all hands’ & to be careful ...LOL.....
SO, we started talking & talking & became friends. I wasn’t ready to date. We were “just friends” for a couple of months before we became romantically involved. We had so much in common; talked & talked; I had energy for the first time in over 30+ years;.we went rock hunting, camping and so much more; ..and, within a year we were married. It seemed like a romantic fantasy come true..... 
So, for 14+ years of marriage, everything seemed perfect. We hardly ever argued; I trusted him completely- never looked at his devices -ever-..... until 3/7/18, when he accidentally showed me a nude photo of a man on a CL ad M4M (before they stopped that). My world as I knew it ended that day. The next day, I couldn’t hold it in & looked at his computer & the first thing I saw was an email with the subject “sex”....to the guy in the CL ad. And, it started....took 16 months for him to admit to anything, even with me finding tons of stuff. It’s been awful; my world turned upside down & I will never be the same happy, carefree, loving woman I was before.

So, yes, it was nice to not know. However, as bad as it was to find out & the fallout that has occurred since, I would rather know than not know. Sure, ignorance was bliss, but.........something about him doing all that & me not knowing burns my butt! To say the least.

So, bottom line, even though my life has gone to hell in a hand basket since then, I’m glad I know so I can live my life with the truth rather than a lie.
 

 

March 26, 2021 3:22 pm  #7


Re: Do you wish?

What I wish is not that I could go back to not knowing.  What I wish is that it hadn't been true.

 

 

March 26, 2021 4:16 pm  #8


Re: Do you wish?

First instinct, yes.

After fully processing this idea for a minute - hell no.

I'd rather be dead than live a life that is her lie.

 

March 26, 2021 11:34 pm  #9


Re: Do you wish?

No I don't wish I could crawl back into the unknown. Knowledge is power

I'd rather know the truth, and my partner know I know and think less of him for it

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 27, 2021 8:28 am  #10


Re: Do you wish?

No. I am glad on many levels that I know the truth. I don't miss the sleepless nights feeling rejected and wondering what I was doing wrong. I am now starting to rebuild my self esteem . Lot of work to be done. Been 8 months since my Dday.


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
 

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