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1 of 1- onceuponatime
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What happened to the "happily ever after"?
Until 7 months ago, I truly believed I was the luckiest woman on earth. I had been married to my second husband for almost 11 yrs. He is the nicest, most hardworking man, who loves to do things around the house, and a great dad. We had had some small bumps on the road; but nothing major. So, when one day he told me that he was having issues with his sexuality, and that he was attracted to men, I felt like my whole life had exploded. He talked about how in the back of his mind he always knew, but could never really come to terms with it (he's in his mid 40's). He thought maybe he was bisexual. A month later he told me he thought he was gay, but still loved me, and very much enjoyed sex with me. After many discussions, tears (mainly from me), we kind of settled into our old routine, if anything, communicating better. About 4 months after his coming out, he started having problems with sexual performance. That really hit me, since it felt like a rejection, and made me wonder if he would feel different with a man.
He has never had any physical or romantic relationship with a man, but is not opposed to allow something to happen if he met someone. He still says he loves me, and wants us to stay married. According to him, we can continue to live as a family (we have a child together), share our lives, our bed (without sex).
I am mourning the life we had, the loss of intimacy, and can't stop feeling that there will be a day when he wants to explore his sexuality as a gay man, and that would probably be the end of our relationship.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: What happened to the "happily ever after"?
onceuponatime wrote:
Until 7 months ago, I truly believed I was the luckiest woman on earth...........
I believed *I* was the luckiest woman on Earth! LOL...with the nicest, most hardworking man who was a great Dad. After 32 years (I already knew he was bisexual) he wanted more exploration but also to stay together, thinking he could have it both ways. We too share a bed, no sex, but I no longer grieve the life I thought I was going to have because I've been realistic and know it's gone. If one day he decides he wants to explore I would hope he'd man up and tell me
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Soaplife
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Re: What happened to the "happily ever after"?
Onceuponatime, I am so sorry you have been placed in this situation by your partner. Your head must be spinning. This is my advice, From someone who has been through it recently with an apparently non-acting out GXH. First, for your own safety, have an STI test stat and probably stop having sex. Declining sexual performance in a previously healthy sex life very often indicates infidelity has begun - at the very least in porn consumption and fantasy- no matter what your partner says. It definitely is a form of withdrawing intimacy from you. You may find his demands and pressure to let him experiment escalating very quickly from here. You might find it useful to ask yourself how you would feel/respond if he was talking about exploring relationships with other women while still married to you. Male or female, if you both vowed monogamy, then he is in fact talking about being unfaithful to you. He is unilaterally discussing drastically shifting the goalposts in your relationship and expecting your consent. Please Don't let your love blind you to the massive selfishness and boundary testing this is. Very respectfully I ask who you consider gets the most advantage from you consenting? You get heartbreak, no sex, loss of intimacy, and probably all the chores involved in bringing up your child and keeping your household running. He gets a nice family and home, boyfriends (possibly in your family home on occasion), social life and sex. Also, infidelity is expensive, and what he will feel entitled to spend on entertainment in his new life outside your family unit reduces the future security of you and your child. Maybe you should quietly consult a lawyer about separation/divorce so if it becomes intolerable for you, you will be ready to act for the good of you and your child. Really, if he wants a faithful companion to come home to, he can get a dog. You deserve more. Love and strength to you.
Last edited by Soaplife (March 25, 2021 12:43 am)
- Upside
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Re: What happened to the "happily ever after"?
I'm so sorry, OnceUponATime.
Seconding Soaplife. Get an STD test and have a free lawyer consultation or two to think on.
A husband does not go for 11 years heterosexual and then in a few months gay without a pressing reason. I'd wager that reason has a face and cheating began around the time when he disclosed. Protect yourself and your child first now.
He has never had any physical or romantic relationship with a man, but is not opposed to allow something to happen if he met someone. He still says he loves me, and wants us to stay married. According to him, we can continue to live as a family (we have a child together), share our lives, our bed (without sex).
How kind of him.
He's allowing you the exclusive opportunity to be his lifelong roommate, who just so happens to split all the bills, while affording him the chance to explore his sexuality on the side.
Let's flip this. You found a man. You want to have sex with him, but you'll allow your husband the grand chance to have a front-row seat, where he must support you emotionally and financially as you find your rhythm. Oh and no sex for him. A bit absurd, no?
Your husband is selfish. It is time to react in your best self-interest, and that of your child.
Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.