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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 2, 2021 8:43 pm  #21


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon, you wrote: "He tried to convince me that he didn't know any of this before a year ago. He forgets the truths he told me (when he felt "safe") sharing with me. The same sex attraction in high school. The trans porn he started watching years ago while wearing my underwear. He even denied last night that he asked me why I can't get past it! Why do I keep bringing it up? This again?  He pretty much told me I made it up. This is the first time I realized, in the moment, that he was gaslighting me!"

This is a classic abuser tactic called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Great that you are recognising and naming the ongoing abuse.  The question only you can answer is "Is this acceptable to me?"

Stay strong and keep safe

 

April 6, 2021 8:19 pm  #22


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

So we had marriage counseling last night. It was awful. I could tell the therapist is not experienced with this. I was by myself at first because my husband was not home from work yet. She told me that he did not fill out his part the intake forms so she only had my side of the situation. I was not surprised that he didn't do it. I told her I'm trying to stop helping him or reminding him of things he needs to do.

The first bit was him explaining his side of things. That always sucks because its jlike "hey! Remember what I did to you?" also I'm really confused about it but sure I love you and want to make it work.

Then I said some things and she's pretty much like, "well he seems like he wants so to make it work so what's the problem?" I totally shut down. So now my feelings are being invalidated by him and the therapist. I started crying and I got a horrible stomach ache. I went to my go to of saying ok over and over. One of the things i said ok to was giving therapy a couple months before separating.

She told me that his sexuality is something he needs to figure out and I have to stop helping him figure it out. I have to stop taking on his stuff because then I make it my stuff. Something about how we all have "baskets" and they are filled with stuff from our parents and other people in our lives . I have his stuff in my basket and I need to take it out. Duh. Thats why im trying to leave him. Get out of my basket!

It ended and I went to bed and cried some more. My husband pretty much ignored me the rest of the night. I've never felt so alone. I did a healing meditation. Then I tried to watch something to distract myself. Eventually I took my anxiety medication and went to sleep.

So yeah, total waste of time and I feel worse. Yay

     Thread Starter
 

April 6, 2021 8:45 pm  #23


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

yeah that sounds horrible, sorry to hear of it.  that 'ok' was given under duress - totally unacceptable - dump the therapist.  I wonder if she's a bisexual - that turned out to be the case with the therapist I saw.
 

 

April 6, 2021 9:06 pm  #24


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon, what a horrible experience for you.  There's lots of therapists out there of limited experience or ability, unfortunately. Couples counselling is never a good idea in abusive relationships like yours, as therapists are only human and sometimes side with the abuser against the abused, compounding the trauma.  If you ended up crying and saying ok just to make them stop that is awfully abusive. Please please please do not go back again.  Focus on finding yourself a good individual therapist for you alone.

However, in all thst stress and anxiety your instincts are right yet again my friend.  You have picked up on the one piece of useful advice - I hope you get him and his baggage out of your basket as soon as possible. And make sure you get a good lawyer to help you fill your basket with a very good settlement. 

Believe in yourself and trust your  gut. Do what you need to do for your own safety and well being. Courage to you.

 

April 6, 2021 10:35 pm  #25


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Aurora Moon,

   So...although your husband did not fill out his half of the intake form, your therapist then rewarded him for this by asking him questions and allowing him to go first?   She made the session about him, and put you on the defensive from the get-go by saying she only had your "side."  (What an adversarial set-up that idea of "sides" is!  A terrible move by the therapist.)   I wonder why she didn't say to your husband, "As you haven't provided me your information yet, I'll start by asking your wife to begin."   No wonder you were upset: your husband has put you into the position of having to react to his behavior, and then the therapist repeated this move by putting you in the position of having to react to his story.  

  I also wonder what she would have said if you, in response to her telling you that your husband has to do the work on his own sexuality, were to have said, "I agree he has to figure himself out for himself, by himself, and I think that it would be a good idea if we separated while he does that work, so he can concentrate on doing it.  While we're separated, it seems to me we each need an individual therapist, with the plan of maybe coming back together for marriage counseling after we've both sorted out where we are and what we want."

   I agree that a therapist for you alone, one trained in trauma, would be very helpful to you, and WAY more supportive.  You need validation and a focus on your needs, and couples counseling is not going to provide that.
 As to this particular therapist, you've seen her, you've seen that she has no experience in this area, and there is really no reason for you to continue with a person you don't feel knows enough to counsel you, and who has made you feel unsafe during your first meeting.  You shop around for a therapist, just as you do for any other service, and if the fit isn't good, you find someone else. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 7, 2021 5:29 pm)

 

April 7, 2021 1:26 am  #26


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon wrote:

So we had marriage counseling last night. It was awful.,.,....,So yeah, total waste of time and I feel worse. Yay

Nothing is wasted if you see your determination that the counselor is a bad fit for you...as a good thing and just part of your learning curve

So Aurora... Change your counselor ×hugs×

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 7, 2021 5:15 am  #27


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please know this often happens and it’s not anything about you but all about the therapist, please know that.

The Dravo concept is a real one. If you are unfamiliar with it, I would suggest you read up on it. From this point on, knowledge is your best friend moving forward.

This is the hardest lesson we learn in this, the best friend you thought your husband was, well, he never really was that best friend. They disappear on you, some seem to resurface and find themselves, many of the older ones,  I don’t think they ever find themselves.

In my opinion this is where the danger lies for us. They want to continue their fantasy life, but now that you know the truth - you want nothing to do with it. You don’t deal with issues by sweeping them undercover and pretend they never happened.

I experienced the same thing as you. He shared so much in the early days. He too forgot how much he told me. He also denied everything he told me afterwards. I’m not talking about a single conversation, I’m referring to a two week period.

He has totally wiped from memory this entire period. Too much to deal with. That’s what the human mind does when things are too much to absorb.

Keep doing your healing meditation- I found them very helpful, they kept me grounded in my truth. Stay grounded in your truth too.

Stay strong and know you aren’t alone, we are all here supporting each other.

One day at a time, one challenge at a time, keep putting his issues in his own basket too.

Last edited by longwayhome (April 7, 2021 5:22 am)

 

April 7, 2021 8:56 am  #28


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

That sounds really awful, but I'm happy to see you are making your needs a priority and taking a step back from what is really your husband's "stuff."

It's OK to go at the pace that feels right to you...It's also OK to draw a line in the sand. What you are going through....marriage should never be this complicated or painful. I also used meditation to calm the "fight-or-flight" response. Michael Sealey's soothing voice (and lovely Australian accent!)  helped me fall asleep. I recommend meditation to anyone who needs a little help quieting their mind.
 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (April 7, 2021 8:59 am)

 

April 7, 2021 1:22 pm  #29


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

I have a woman therapist. She has been supportive and has not taken sides. Yes, I think that you need a new therapist.

 

April 7, 2021 2:22 pm  #30


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Any couple’s therapist who allows a straight woman to get dragged back into the closet by her transwoman-loving husband who wants to “suck cock” should issue a refund.

Last edited by Blue Bear (April 7, 2021 2:22 pm)

 

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