Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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March 30, 2021 10:26 am  #11


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Be careful at counseling.  My ex-wife and I tried couple's counseling, which became her opportunity to try to justify her bad behavior through pointing out her trivial complaints about me.  If I were to do this again (God forbid), I would not attend couple's counseling.  I already knew what I needed to know about my ex-wife.  She is adulterous, attracted to women and capable of profound, mindfucking deception.  I didn't really need a counselor to tell me why I needed to leave.

 

March 30, 2021 12:58 pm  #12


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

‘The ball’ was always in my court too. I was so used to playing catch and run. Until I just didn’t catch the ball one day, it’s still rolling around the house somewhere. He kicks into view once in awhile, I look down, stare up at him and roll it back to him. Nope, he’s not picking up, it’s disappeared again.

One day in the not too distance future, he will be the only one left to see the ball roll out.

I’ve decided he can keep the house, it’s too big for me, especially the outdoor maintenance part. That was the last thing that I was still struggling with.

Now that I’ve made that decision, although hard, I do think it’s the better decision, too many sad memories are attached here now.

 

March 30, 2021 1:31 pm  #13


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

OutofHisCloset wrote:

.......Eventually I realized, to use Rob's metaphor, that the ball was ALWAYS in my court.  He was never going to act to leave, and he was never going to give me the clarity I thought was needed in order for me to feel ok about leaving.  ......... that the job of coming to terms with his sexuality was his and his alone.  It became clear that he was not going to act to alleviate my anxieties or to give me clarity,Finally, I realized that if anyone was going to end the impasse, it was going to have to be me.  

I have several quotes...from Forum members, that resonate with me. I'm going to add these words to it. 

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 30, 2021 1:42 pm  #14


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Longwayhome,

I like your analogy of the ball the best.   It was when I did nothing with the problems my GX created and stood back and observed that I was finally able to get a handle on the problems and see a way out..essentially I began putting a lot of problems in the "not my problem bucket"...ie. where would she live...really not my problem...it was but it was not a problem I created..I did not have to solve it on any timetable she wanted if at all. 
I stopped letting her be amused with my hurt and and anxiety of trying to solve everything.  I maintained status quo, my routines, paid the bills etc.. but if she was wondering when I was going to leave our home for example..the answer was never.  It was not a problem I created.

I think once you can let go and see that a home is made of the people that live there and not the structure and stuff...that we would all, I think, give it all up to be at peace and be loved..only then can we begin to feel some sense of control and strength to move forward.   

I would given up everything for it not be true.
But it was true..and so my response was to stay true to my core character..but to not live with the abuse anymore.   
Shame on them for marrying us but hiding and keeping this secret..and then acting superior or hurt when we respond to it in anger or self respect. Shame on them for expecting empathy and support from us when they are actively hurting us.   

If they think we have to play ball by their rules they should think again..they are not gods or omnipotent beings.  They forfeited all rights and privileges to a fair game the minute they withheld their secrets from us.
For myself with a wife that was cheating she had forfeited all rights and privileges to my problem solving skills or fierce love.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 30, 2021 4:07 pm  #15


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Great advice and support in here.

Seconding avoiding counseling. You have said you cannot get past this. You want a separation. You have tried counseling and it didn't work.

He is manipulating you. Talking about his unclear feelings only extends his chance to manipulate. I lost an extra year of my life to this tactic. Nothing is gained but more pain.

I would have your lawyer do the talking now. Your husband can figure himself out on his own time.

Stay strong, AuroraMoon.

 

March 30, 2021 7:13 pm  #16


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Rob, thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. What you say about the ‘not-my problem bucket’, perfect way to help me move forth in this last phase.

AuroraMoon, follow your intuition, stay true to who you are. They truly do need to sort this all out on their own, they can’t be true to someone else if they can’t even be true to who they are. Stay strong.

 

March 31, 2021 10:57 am  #17


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Rob and LongWayHome, you are exactly right.  When we place the problem where it belongs - with them and not with us - the way forward becomes much clearer.  We have to do what is best for ourselves and our children if there are any.  Aurora Moon I hope you are doing ok.  I wish you strength and courage for the tough walk away.

 

March 31, 2021 7:30 pm  #18


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

I don't know what I would do without your support, incredible insight and advice. I feel like I'm stumbling through thick, dark fog, grasping at smoke and pulling back ghosts. Then I read your posts and its like I hear a bell ringing. Quiet at first then louder and clearer. I feel like I would be here trapped in the fog forever if it weren't for you. Thank god for you all.

He did a mind fuck on me again last night but I stayed strong. He told me all the things he thinks I want to hear, but I told him I don't believe him. I don't trust him anymore. I downloaded a sample of a book someone posted here. The Other Side of the Closet. He saw the book on his kindle (everything is shared on our Kindles). Apparently he read a sample and was hurt by the description of the deceitful gay spouse. How they live a secret life. He tried to convince me that he didn't know any of this before a year ago. He forgets the truths he told me (when he felt "safe") sharing with me. The same sex attraction in high school. The trans porn he started watching years ago while wearing my underwear. He even denied last night that he asked me why I can't get past it! Why do I keep bringing it up? This again?  He pretty much told me I made it up. This is the first time I realized, in the moment, that he was gaslighting me! 

The ball is in my court. I'll let you know how counseling goes

     Thread Starter
 

March 31, 2021 8:53 pm  #19


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

I just wanted to say (in case I haven't yet) how incredibly strong I think you are...and resilient and empathetic. 

 

April 1, 2021 7:03 pm  #20


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Julian_Stone wrote:

I just wanted to say (in case I haven't yet) how incredibly strong I think you are...and resilient and empathetic. 

 
Thank you ❤❤❤

     Thread Starter
 

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