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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 19, 2021 2:25 pm  #11


Re: What happens now?

In my opinion, doing everything possible to save the marriage while stating she prefers women, tells you something in of itself.

People/couples who are sure/love each other and don’t want the other to leave would 1) never place themselves in such a position and 2) if they were in such a position and really cared, would not even want to chance hurting the other person by saying something like this.

In my opinion, what she said is hurtful to you. This is going to come back to haunt you. What exactly are you suppose to make of such a statement?

I think you will need to stand back and watch her behaviours. I pretended to go along with my husband in the early days. It was a very traumatic experience but a quick way to wake up, if you know what I mean.

I wanted to know how far he would take it before pausing to think how I might be coping. He never paused once. Told me all I needed to know. I’m 18 months post discovery, looking at the exit door. Be well, look after you.

Edited to add:  married 35 years.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 19, 2021 3:53 pm)

 

March 20, 2021 8:02 am  #12


Re: What happens now?

I spoke with her yesterday and I think we're in a better place. She felt she couldn't truly be bisexual while in a straight relationship. She thought she had to prove something to the gay community. She has thought about it and had support from some of my friends who are gay. She says she loves me and loves this relationship. She doesn't need to prove something to anyone. So long as it doesn't bother her that girls excite her, which it doesn't. I feel a lot better. My energy, my work ethic feels like it's returning. I don't know what happens next but I may have caught a break and got to keep my happiness.

     Thread Starter
 

March 20, 2021 9:21 am  #13


Re: What happens now?

Best of luck. Remember that it's not what she says, it what she does that counts.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 20, 2021 10:06 am  #14


Re: What happens now?

I second Daryl's comments.

I don't want to burst your bubble, and indeed you may have "caught a break," but it's not unusual for a spouse who announces they aren't straight to stick their toe in the water of gay/lesbian/bi/trans but when faced with the consequences of their declaration if they follow through (public coming out, loss of spouse, change in family life, social life, etc) to back track to us, their "safety school" rather than their aspirational one.

So, as you watch to see how her actions match her words, take steps to protect yourself.  Watch your finances, for example.  And don't let yourself and your relationship get marginalized--don't allow yourself to shrink or make your needs smaller and smaller--as she expands her contact with women.   If you're having good conversations, it wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss with her what concrete actions and steps you two can take to ensure you feel safe and your relationship is getting the care it needs.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 20, 2021 10:07 am)

 

March 20, 2021 12:13 pm  #15


Re: What happens now?

well I'm glad you are feeling better but in general terms your happiness is based in her happiness isn't it - it makes you feel happy to make her feel happy. 

In an equal relationship, where you are both equally attracted to each other this is a fairly simple affair - you get into bed together and that's all it takes.

I didn't realise it was happening but over time my anxiety levels grew.




 

Last edited by lily (March 20, 2021 12:39 pm)

 

March 22, 2021 2:09 am  #16


Re: What happens now?

I am so sorry this has happened to you. But dude - listen to what she is saying - she is telling you she prefers women.  The tragic fact is that she can't love you the way you love her.  My advice is to call it quits before there is more at stake, ie kids and many years of struggle to make it work.  The longer you invest the harder it will be.  Give yourself a chance to find a straight woman who can love you the way you want/need to be loved.  I spent 25 years with a closeted gay man, wondering why I didn't feel desired, and why he was so abusive to me. He came out to our 5 kids (not to me,mind) just after after our divorce was final 2 years ago.

 

March 22, 2021 9:27 am  #17


Re: What happens now?

I agree with Soaplife.

You are receiving a lot of consistent advice from people who have already been there, done that.  The likelihood of a successful outcome seems really, really low.  Here’s what you know:

1.  Your wife is more attracted to women than men.  (Note: You are a man.)
2.  Your wife is “excited” by women.
3.  Your wife repressed her same-sex attraction.

Your wife is coming to terms with who she is, which is not a straight woman.  For now, you offer security while she works through this process.  But what about YOU?  A marriage is made of two people who deeply care for each other.  You’re with a woman who prefers women, and she doesn’t sound like she’s terribly concerned about how YOU are navigating the massive curveball she has thrown at you.  This isn’t the way it’s supposed to work.

You are young and haven’t been married that long.  It doesn’t sound like you have kids.  As a dude who had three children with a self-absorbed lesbian in a challenging, 15-year marriage, I cannot scream loudly enough  for you to get out.  There’s another woman out there who deserves you and whom you deserve.  

 

March 22, 2021 11:15 am  #18


Re: What happens now?

I've been feeling good about everything again. Is there really no way for this to work?

     Thread Starter
 

March 22, 2021 12:34 pm  #19


Re: What happens now?

Nothing is impossible. However, I think the collective wisdom of this group is telling you that you have a lot of ominous and familiar signs on the horizon.

 

March 22, 2021 2:49 pm  #20


Re: What happens now?

The short answer is no, there is no way for this to work - it is women she is interested in - you're her Gucci handbag.

I bet instinctively you know the feeling good you are experiencing now will not last very long. 

Talking with your family. reconnecting with old friends will give you some independent ground.  

Last edited by lily (March 22, 2021 6:03 pm)

 

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