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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 17, 2021 11:03 pm  #1


Constant anxiety

My husband of 16 years has decided, quite out of the blue, that he wants to be female. He has grown his hair long, paints his nails, shaves everywhere and wears lingerie under his male clothes. I have told him repeatedly how uncomfortable this makes me. He doesn't care at all. I have a young, autistic daughter, and he's completely checked out of helping me with her needs. Financially, I am stuck living with him. He's the breadwinner; I work part time at a university. I can't afford to leave him. But, every single day I wallow in stress and anxiety. My whole world is crumbling down around me. I have to try and keep it together for my daughter. Any advice on how to move forward?

 

March 18, 2021 12:14 am  #2


Re: Constant anxiety

What do you consider moving forward? It doesn't sound like your husband is prepared to slow down, he may even accelerate his behaviour and possibly burn quite a bit of money in the process.

If he's abandoning you and his daughter I think you only have one real option to protect her. I would say speak to a lawyer and find out what the law says you can expect if you need to consider separation or divorce. He has a financial duty to support his child. You may be able to claim spousal support as you've sacrificed career for helping your daughter. This might not be the advice you would prefer but I can't see how it would be worse than your current situation. Knowing this information is never a bad thing, especially if he continues like this.

We have some regular contributors here with experiences that are similar to yours. I'm sure they will respond here as well. Build your support system, confide in someone you trust. Then you'll be in a better position to consider your options.

Take care, hope this helps.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 18, 2021 8:18 am  #3


Re: Constant anxiety

Thank you, Daryl. Yes, speaking to a lawyer has crossed my mind. This situation can't continue. I think doing so would just make everything very real. I once thought I was lucky to have the best marriage and an awesome husband. How naive. We had fun, and now I'm just in shock. If I won the lottery, I'd be outta here in a flash ;) I don't hate him, I'm just disappointed. And, also, I don't have anything against LGBTQ, etc, it's just hard when it's your spouse.

     Thread Starter
 

March 18, 2021 10:42 am  #4


Re: Constant anxiety

hellobritty,
    You said in another post that you "just don't want to be married anymore," and if the "situation can't continue," then you are nearly ready to take the next step, and accept that what you wish were not real is indeed "very real."  You already know this, of course, having lived it for the last year (I hope I remember this correctly from your post elsewhere).  
  Even if you are not ready to take the final step and say "I want a divorce," it is wise to go to a lawyer to see about your options, because you need to be prepared for that in case your husband does something that makes the necessity something that has to be acted on quickly.  Think of it as preparing an emergency or contingency plan.  
    Knowing what your rights are under the law and the likely options you would have gives back to you some control in a situation that feels out of control and is being driven by your husband and his changes rather than your wishes.  Knowledge is power, and seeing a lawyer provides you with knowledge that can help you plan.  You have a daughter to protect, so if you find it difficult to act on your own behalf, act on hers.

   My husband did the same to me, out of the proverbial blue, after 32 years of marriage.  It took me three years to call it quits, and I've been living on my own for three years now.  It was hard, and painful, but my life is so much more peaceful now.  

 

March 18, 2021 10:44 am  #5


Re: Constant anxiety

That peace sounds nice. I went ahead and emailed a law firm this morning for a consultation. I think divorce is a bit messier in Texas, but you're right, he's running the show right now. I need to take some power back.

     Thread Starter
 

March 18, 2021 11:12 am  #6


Re: Constant anxiety

Reading a bit about Texas divorce laws online it looks as though while the process can be more complicated the law seems to allow the Court broader latitude in property divisions so it doesn't necessarily end up a 50/50 split. This can work to your favor but all assets have to be listed.

Stay strong!
 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

March 18, 2021 11:14 am  #7


Re: Constant anxiety

I'm proud of you HelloBritty for making that big step.

Your husband's made a choice about his future. You don't want to live this way. You deserve to explore your options.

If you can, speak to a therapist. This is a bunch to handle on your own. They can help deal with anxiety in several ways. 

And I can promise that the anxiety eventually vanishes with time. This is because this feeling is caused by another person's actions and the fear of having to live in them. Talking to a lawyer can help you clarify the unknown. Then you can make a focused decision, which places you and your child first.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

 

March 18, 2021 11:26 am  #8


Re: Constant anxiety

Welcome, I’m sorry you found yourself here. Some really good advice given.

For myself, I experience a lot of anxiety in the beginning, after discovery and during the common honeymoon phase. It was almost paralyzing at times.

I found once I started handling  the issues that were creating fear inside of me, one at a time, I started to feel better and less anxious. One of the main things I did was start listening to my own intuition and stop listening to what my husband was so fiercely trying to defend, manipulate.

It all doesn’t have to be solved in one day, one step at a time, one challenge at a time. It’s ok to listen to your body and not do anything on some days, just rest, build your strength.

Post here as much as you need. Be well, look after yourself.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 18, 2021 12:25 pm)

 

March 18, 2021 2:04 pm  #9


Re: Constant anxiety

Thank you all so much, I appreciate the responses and support.

     Thread Starter
 

March 22, 2021 9:26 pm  #10


Re: Constant anxiety

Hellobritty- my husband informed me in the fall that he believed himself to be transgender.  He moved out in January because I was not comfortable with him "experimenting" in front of me and our kids.  You definitely have financial recourse even as a SAHM.  Especially in the great state of Texas.  

Feel free to send me a message if you need resources or need someone to bounce ideas off of.  

 

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