"My soon to be ex keeps saying “but you initiated it” - just because I was the one who filed for divorce and chose not to work on things. He lied for so long and cheated with men behind my back- but now it’s my fault I actually filed the papers?!! This is insanity and infuriating. Anyone else have this experience? It’s all I can do to stay cordial until everything is untangled." -Millenial Mess

Ya know, MM, cordial and amicable is the goal; but my STBX and I just had a very circular arguement AGAIN just the other night. I say circlar because we keep coming back and saying the exact same things. It's maddening and infuriating!  He says I moved on and gave up without a fight. If you read my story in the "Our Stories" section, you'd know that I forgave him the "only one" indiscretion back in 2003 and last year discovered there were multiple more lies, multiple hookups/indiscretions and cover-ups that he never revealed and that he was back to watching gay porn and in gay chat rooms as dealing with his SSA...that was his "therapy." They were his resources instead of counselling, books or talking to me about our relationship.  He SAYS he takes responsibility for his actions, that he is the cause for our divorce; but then he wants me to talk about what I could have done better. I tell him the things that I DO take ownership of and he wants to press on the little things I didn't do.  He goes on about how I didn't show him I wanted him enough; I didn't desire him, so he turned to his SSA. After begging him to sleep in my bed for 22 years, I'm the fault. My initiating sex was just not good enough proof of my desire. He rejected me numerous times and I allegedly didn't show him enough desire! LOL  I ask him how else should I have shown him more desire. Should I have grovelled??? Silence. He takes ownership and then tries to pass it back to me.  I tell him he's trying to blame-shift me to lessen his load. I empathize with the weight of his shame; but I did not lie, I did not seek acceptance outside of our marriage and I did not (need to) cover up my behaviors. I will not take the consequences of his actions. That's the blame-shift game.

It is flirting with insanity which is why I said that I will not discuss our issues within our marriage anymore with him, only details of the divorce and moving forward. We do not get anywhere with those conversations; I just get emotionally abused. I get told I just gave up when I had given him 19 more years to get therapy to figure this out, forgave him and had his children. He gave up on therapy 18 years ago and now I'm the one who gave up. I fear this may get worse as we progress through the divorce.

Hold your ground MM. You have been in this forum enough to know how these narcisists work. I call the lies, minimizing, blame-shifting and gaslighting what they are with him when he he utilizes them. It makes him mad; but it proves my point. What did your husband do to save the marriage? What books has he read? What sacrifices/choices has he made?

Know your truths, own them and tell them when he tries to blame you.

You are not alone!!!

Yes, I had the same experience MM.

I confronted her with tangible evidence of her affairs. She said "You file". I did. Then she blamed me for "giving up on our family".

I let my spouse get under my skin and we got back together. She cheated with other women within a few weeks. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't be me.

Reminds me of the Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

Take this as a sign to run faster away from them. Gray rock them. And never look back.

Last edited by Upside (March 11, 2021 3:41 pm)

yes, the narcissist's prayer is fab.

and so is the line in your post - "It's tough to go from a place of your spouse being the person you trust the most to the person you should trust the least."

Yes, it's a tough journey.  I think part of the denial straight spouses go into is because subconsciously we can feel the trouble we're in.

MM - stay cordial, as much as you want to.  you can do it.  Listen carefully to what he says, once you are safely at a distance emotionally you will be able to read what it is he really wants, ie it isn't about it being your fault, it's about what he wants.   

Last edited by lily (March 12, 2021 5:20 pm)

MM:  I found it helpful to write down the truth.  For example, my ex-wife confessed to me that she had known about her same-sex attraction for over 20 years, which was before we had even met.  I wrote down that conversation and all of its relevant details.  When I reminded my ex-wife about that conversation, she denied that conversation had ever happened.  (Apparently, this is common.  Lucky us.)

Having the written record was another way to help reinforce what was real and what wasn't when my ex-wife turned on the gas.