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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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February 26, 2021 9:36 am  #1


Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

So. 

I can't get out of my funk.
I can't WANT him. He says I just need to choose to want him. That I am just trying to punish him. That's genuinely not the case!!
I had a dream the other night (it's actually happened a few times...), where we start trying to get sexy, and I end up breaking down crying. I can't imagine touching him again. I feel sick to my stomach.
And he says that  he's super sad that I don't say "I love you," when he leaves, or when I leave. The honest to God truth - I don't know how to say that without feeling like I am lying.

I don't know why I am in such a dark place for such a long time this time around! And I don't know how to fix it - either by staying and making it work, or by leaving. 

And I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. And I have been journaling and writing, trying to figure it out and work it out through words. And NOTHING is working.

I even spoke to a counselor... the thing is, people in my conservative Christian life all tell me I MUST stay. People who aren't quite so conservative tell me I need to leave - it's not going away, and it never will. And it's not going to get better - it's going to get worse.

Is this harder for women than it is for men? If men had a woman say they are "same sex attracted," but wanted to make it work, would they be able to more easily than if  the roles are reversed. Is it all a mind thing? I genuinely feel just.. disgusted and sick to my stomach all the time. And angry. Don't forget about angry. 

 

February 26, 2021 11:05 am  #2


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. To me, it sounds like all of your hard self-work is paying off.

You know what you want. You know you can't live this way. Your conflict here is that you have people telling you that you must live in a way in conflict with your values. Good news: it is your life and you get to do what you want.

I almost became a pastor. Any church that tells you that God commands you do something is a liar. You lived within your vows and were honest. Your husband did not. God wants you both happy. 

As a guy, no I don't believe it is easier for any of us. This is hell. My wife attempting to open the marriage "for me" while still cheating with women (and gaslighting me along the way) has been so beyond any pain I could have comprehended. If my children didn't exist I would have killed myself a year ago.

And yes, I the pain and anger come in waves. I'm learning to not let them control my life, but watch them as they rise and fall with curiosity. I am not my anger. I will not let this pain define me.

Last edited by Upside (February 26, 2021 11:09 am)

 

February 26, 2021 11:09 am  #3


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

I’m sorry you’re going through what you’re going through. I think you could really benefit from a therapist that you find suitable..You can choose a therapist that is not religious-based if that would be your preference. I don’t think it’s necessarily easier for one gender or the other to deal with something like this. I think it has a lot to do with the dynamics between the couple. I am a straight woman with a bi husband and we are over a year out and doing great. I think it helps that my husband hasn’t cheated. I don’t have that issue to deal with. He and I are very much on the same page and we communicate exceptionally well. In the MOM section I wrote a post on finding a therapist and added a link to an article that suggests how to look for an appropriate therapist. I haven’t read back through your posts so I don’t know your situation exactly, but i think finding a suitable therapist would be my first step.

Wishing you the best,

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (February 26, 2021 11:10 am)

 

February 26, 2021 1:12 pm  #4


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

D&S,

I’m so sorry you’re in such a spot. I’m religious, too, however decide what I believe (knowing the facts as I know them), and do not rely on what others tell me to do. 

It sounds like you have made up your mind about NOT wanting your husband, and that is very important for you. I never did not NOT want my husband. Yes, I went through the anger, sadness, etc. At the very first, I didn’t want him to touch me after being with all those men. But, that changed for me. If it hasn’t/doesn’t for you, then it’s up to you to make that decision that will make you feel whole/satisfied. I know it isn’t easy. I’ve been through the list of “pros & cons” of staying together or not,,,,a couple of times. The cons list, unfortunately, was much longer than the pros list at first. When I did it the 2nd time, many months later, it got better. But, if yours doesn’t, and you feel that there is more “pro” to separating, and that it will be better for you, then it’s up to you to make that decision; hard as it is.

All the best to you. ((((((HUGS))))))

 

February 26, 2021 1:16 pm  #5


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

Deceivedandsad wrote:

I can't WANT him. He says I just need to choose to

And I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. And I have been journaling and writing, trying to figure it out and work it out through words. And NOTHING is working.

..... it's not going away, and it never will. And it's not going to get better - it's going to get worse.


I genuinely feel just.. disgusted and sick to my stomach all the time. And angry. Don't forget about angry. 

  D&S.... Anger is a tool. Learn to use it correctly and it'll be your friend. Your anger has to be used to help you... Not your husband. When you become focused on you* the anger you feel will be fuel to move you forward, not keeping you stationary.

Everything will get better. It takes as long as you allow it to take. Till your head overtakes your heart and you know the direction you're going towards.

Be prepared for things to get worse. That head catching up with the heart thing I mentioned? It all depends on how long it takes you to want things to change

Writing all this down is one of the best process' in all this. You'll probably keep stuff you've written for years... Then one day you'll... Just not need it anymore.

Not wanting somebody society tells you you should want is an internal process and decision that only you can make ( have made ) You made it and if you know it's the right decision.... That's the start of no going back. The beginning of knowing your own assertiveness and making your own choices.

Step up not back, eyes forward never down, keep breathing as deeply as you need to reach the surface. You're stronger than you think

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 26, 2021 1:20 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 26, 2021 3:23 pm  #6


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

One reason you feel stuck is that you continue in the same situation you're in, and it's very hard to conceive of changing the situation when you're in it, especially when you have people telling you that you should want and should do something you don't/can't want.  It sounds to me like you're in a situation in which people are more interested in getting you to knuckle under than in helping you.  

One thing that helped me was getting out of the house for a bit.  I went on a trip to see my mom, and being away changed my perspective.  It sounds to me as if your current situation is pretty over-determined, so if you have a relative or friend you could go and stay with for a couple of days that might be very helpful.  If you can't absent yourself from those other influences entirely, then just getting out of the house on walks could be freeing.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 26, 2021 4:08 pm)

 

February 26, 2021 4:29 pm  #7


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

D&S,

So sorry..  its hard.  I dont know how these spouses can expect to gain our trust (both physical and emotional) again.   It hurts us to our core. 

And with TGT..there are no take backs..its not something you can unknow.  The anxiety and mistrust will always be there..are they going shopping with their "friend" or having sex?  The anxiety can eat you up and cripple you..Im sure you're feeling  that..it is your body and core trying to protect you.


My GX became so cruel and discarded me physically.  Any attraction I had for her though changed rather quickly to physical fear.  So I know both the physical rejection and the physical repulsion.  I think your repulsion is your body trying to keep you from hurt and harm..its certainly more truthful than any words your husband is saying.

My priest who I met with often when going through this did not persuade me to stay after seeing how abused I was and he certainly was concerned for my kids also.  I do not think our God would want us to be hurt over and over...to live constantly in a state of anxiety and mistrust.

Years away from this now I thank God everyday for getting me away from such hurt and fear.    This is not you rejecting him..this is him hurting you.


Hugs and prayers.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 27, 2021 9:13 am  #8


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

DeceivedandSad, I came across this article and thought of you, I thought this could be a helpful tip for all of us to follow ... I hope providing the link is ok.... ask what not why....

https://ideas.ted.com/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way/

 

February 27, 2021 9:21 am  #9


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

I am a pastor, and a man.  It's not easy any way you look at it.  All I can say is this: you decide what is best for you and your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health and well-being.  I don't believe God calls anyone to stay in a relationship in which they are treated badly.  That being said, no one can make that decision for you or should tell you what to do.  People who generally give advice have not walked in your shoes.  

 

February 27, 2021 9:55 am  #10


Re: Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier!

Oh I could have written that post myself, almost identical situation, my husband is very handsome, clean , romantic ( now when marriage on the rocks ) and I have fallen completely out of love with him and ANY contact with him - physically- even holding hands causes me severe anxiety
I do not want and will never want him again , not because of infidelity but because I am totally traumatised from the disclosure, the shock , the humiliation , I am religious- more spiritual and truly believe that God will never judge us leaving a toxic situation 
We have one life to live, if we can live authentically that is what our souls journey is for 
Your whole being is saying NO - As is mine, we just need the courage to go now
I know I hurt my husband more now by rejecting him , short term pain for long term gain by leaving the marriage I think 
Stay Strong 
 

 

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