Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

DONATE TODAY >>>





Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



February 16, 2021 3:51 pm  #11


Re: Update

Hi Epiphany,

Oh my... yes, I’ve heard wonders about working with a therapist that specializes in trauma. Even in the mildest of situations this is traumatic. From all that I’ve heard about opening up a marriage, the couple really has to be a solid cohesive unit and both members have to be enthusiastic about proceeding with opening. I’ve heard even in those best of circumstances it’s not easy and it’s always a work in progress. Even if my husband and I leaned at all toward going that route, I think we’re far too lazy and comfortable to do the hard work required. 

Please do take it slow as you mentioned. Rushing anything in regard to this will only make it all more stressful. I’ve recently read a few stories where couple opened up anywhere from five to ten years after discloser because it took them thar long to figure it all out. 

Wishing you the best, 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (February 16, 2021 4:10 pm)

 

February 16, 2021 3:54 pm  #12


Re: Update

Julian_Stone:  Totally agree with you that a lot of (or perhaps, most) counselors have no idea how to help clients struggling with straight spouse situations.  I have heard of several counselors pulling the THREESOME! suggestion out of their bags.  

It's either incompetence or projecting a personal kink.  Regardless, you don't want a counselor or therapist who is providing "advice" based upon either professional shortcoming.

 

February 16, 2021 4:17 pm  #13


Re: Update

Blue Bear wrote:

......I think some of these counselors try to live a swinging, sexually adventurous life vicariously through their clients.

Way back....when I was wanting to understand what my bisexual partner was going thru, and thought if I spoke to 
a counselor who dealt with LGBTQ people...that I could get to a better place with the knowledge I gained

The guy just made me feel stupid and suggested my partner needed to explore and I was holding him back. 

I could have cut the tension in his room with my intuitive straightspouse knife. 

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 16, 2021 4:51 pm  #14


Re: Update

That’s really odd and inappropriate that therapists are suggesting what to do. I have a masters degree in marriage and family therapy and it certainly isn’t the therapist’s place to suggest solutions, rather to facilitate the individual or couple to come up with their own solutions. 

Last edited by TangledOil (February 16, 2021 4:51 pm)

 

February 16, 2021 5:06 pm  #15


Re: Update

Yeah, when I told my now ex I didn't want to be his sounding board for how to be a woman and he needed to see a therapist, he saw a trans man therapist who without ever meeting me had the temerity to make assumptions about my personality (based on gender stereotypes) and recommend a therapist for me based on no knowledge of me at all (and my not having asked).  

 As in most jobs/professions, some are good, some aren't.  A degree isn't a guarantee of professionalism--or even of a balanced personality.  

 

February 17, 2021 11:47 am  #16


Re: Update

I also went to an LBGQTA focused therapist who also said that I should take up my wife's offer to open up the marriage. When I outlined why this would be a problem, she was genuinely confused and continued to encourage a poly lifestyle.

Later, when I told her that I'd found my wife cheating again and was going to move forward with a divorce, the therapist said "didn't agree with my decision". Then suggested we all live together after the divorce, which my wife had been pitching for months. Absolutely insane!

Back on topic, I'm happy for you Epiphany. A love addiction and trauma therapist sounds like a better fit.

I've found comfort in COSA meetings, which are for spouses who have love or compulsive sexual addiction. I would recommend it if you are looking for a neutral group to speak with. There have been several straight spouses on there in MOMs and those choosing to move on.

When I read the characteristics of love addiction my jaw dropped. My wife met all of them. Her falling into the arms of women was a symptom of a bigger problem.

 

February 18, 2021 11:58 am  #17


Re: Update

The first therapist my husband went to kept pushing for an open marriage. She even invited me to one of the sessions (for a different reason...more disclosure, which didn’t take place & she let it happen)....
During the session I went to, she talked about opening the marriage. I adamantly told her there was NO WAY I could do that. Period. I sure thought I expressed myself well enough.

Apparently, one of her friends wrote the book, “the New Monogamy”, which focuses on open marriages, so she’s really PRO opening them.

At that time, my husband had mentioned he would prefer an open marriage (heck, that’s what he’d been doing all along, just without my approval/conceding to it). So, a few weeks later, she mentioned it to him again. That’s when I told him she completely ignored my saying I will NOT entertain the idea at all. 

That’s when I told him I wanted him to find another therapist , and he did. that one didnt’ work out, either, but he was pro-marriage, which was good. His problem was that he wanted to chat too much about personal things & took up my husband’s time on ‘his’ life instead of my husband’s....so, we’re off again.... We’re going to try a couples’ therapist this time & will interview them first (we didn’t the others....bad mistake that cost a lot of time & money down the drain) and find their views, ways of dealing with problems, etc. & then, decide if we want to hire them.

Oh, and Upside, yes, those COSA meetings are good! I was told to stay after the meeting (they are virtual/zoom meetings) and ask if anyone had a similar situation with SSA, but I didn’t follow through. My husband quit doing all of that, so I’ve been concentrating on other things for now to get us back ‘on top’ of things.
Good luck with the new therapist, Epiphany!

 

February 18, 2021 12:23 pm  #18


Re: Update

Susanne H,
 Do these people not understand the definition of "monogamy"?  An "open marriage" by definition is not monogamy.  Maybe it meets the "letter of the law" definition (two people in a marriage, as opposed to polygamy, which encompasses polyandry and polygyny) but fails to meet the requirements of "the spirit of the law" (two people who are married to each other and faithful sexually to one another).

Like "poly-amory," it's just another way to try to redefine marriage away from monogamy.   

PS: You didn't have "an open marriage."  You had a cheating husband.   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 18, 2021 3:00 pm)

 

February 18, 2021 4:46 pm  #19


Re: Update

So we had our couples session with the new therapist today. She is going to work individually with me as a trauma specialist and my husband will be seeing a sex therapist to help find his truth. We will then come back together with both therapists as a couple in about 3 weeks. In the meantime my husband is agreeing to stay monogamous and no matter what, full disclosure is the now current goal in our marriage. I am no longer pursuing an intimate relationship with him as he sorts this out. There’s so much grief that comes with realizing that part of us may be over. However, I’m beginning to envision what being married to him a little longer could look like as well as my possible newfound freedom in the future. I’ve stopped trying to dress or act a certain way realizing this isn’t on me. That realization in and of its self is very freeing. No matter what, we are good friends. I always said “be each others best friends ” if you want your marriage to last. I didn’t realize there was a scenario that could cause us not to work. There’s a long road ahead but at least we’ve slowed this train wreck down so we can move forward with gentleness and truth. And who knows what the future holds. I’m not giving up hope on us just yet but I’m definitely preparing for my possible future on my own (and that doesn’t look as scary anymore).

Thanks for the support to you all, I truly cherish this group.

- Epiphany (almost put my real name 😝)

     Thread Starter
 

February 18, 2021 6:54 pm  #20


Re: Update

Epiphany wrote:

...,....Thanks for the support to you all, I truly cherish this group.
- Epiphany (almost put my real name 😝)

Sounds like you've accepted you need a safe and protected mental, emotional and physical wall around you that will give you space to see things without the clutter that a sexual r'ship brings.

Go you!!... well done Epiphany (we wouldn't have known it was your real name..lol )

Elle
 
Edited to say Kia kaha means "stay strong"

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 18, 2021 6:56 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum