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1 - MillennialMess
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Advice for young person?
I’m 29 years old and just found out my husband was having sexual encounters with men. My marriage is over. I knew something was happening but never thought it would have been with men. He was lying to me for basically the whole relationship. We were college sweethearts, only married 2.5 years. I have so many mixed emotions. I’m so angry. I feel conned into a marriage and he stole my 20’s away from me. There was so much gas-lighting and deceit. Even as I was reading the incriminating emails with his phone in my hand he continued to lie. I don’t think I’ll ever know the full truth. He’s not telling his family the whole truth- leading to his brother even blaming me that I “misunderstood things”.
I was also ready to have a child and we had started trying. I now have no idea when/if I will ever have children which is one of the hardest parts. In hindsight I know it’s better I did not get pregnant. Everyone keeps saying I’m so young, I have plenty of time (I do) , but that doesn’t make me feel better. That’s assuming I ever trust myself/ another person again to get to the point of having a child with them. Meanwhile all my friends are in this same stage of life and I’ll slowly watch them have children one-by-one while I put on a happy face.
I’m also sad for him. We were best friends. I know he’s upset with himself and clearly in some deep state of denial. So that’s hard too.
It’s hard enough finding people my age who are divorced- let alone for this specific reason. I also feel my age is a reason for people to invalidate what I’m going through- yes I realize I’m still young, I can start over
“At least there’s no kids involved”
“Imagine people who get divorced much later in life”
All those well meaning comments, while true, are not helping me in the moment. I hope this doesn’t come off as whining because I do realize many people on this form do have it so much harder as far as family circumstances or length of time with their spouse ....but it just makes me feel all the more alone. Part of me is worried that I am so young I just have all the more time for this to haunt me the rest of my life. Really wondering if anyone else around my age has gone through this.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Advice for young person?
Hi MM — Your name gave me a little chuckle....though I'm very sorry you've found yourself here. I imagine you are still very much in shock. It's so hard to find out your partner kept this secret from you....and grueling, I imagine, to discover he's been going behind your back and having sexual encounters with others. I admire your strength...and I'm confident that you will look back at this time and know that leaving was the best decision.
Your world was turned upside down...but it will get better. Now is the time to focus on you. I don't know how anyone gets through this without a really good counselor and a good friend who can help you take your mind off "the gay thing"...if even for a little while. This doesn't have to haunt you for the rest of your life (though, I'm sure it may seem that way now). He took your 20s...don't let him take your 30s, too.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (February 9, 2021 12:19 am)
- MyExodus
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Re: Advice for young person?
I'm in my fifties; so I know I'm not your ideal response; but I can realate to so much of what you're going through. I'm so sorry you're having to find us; but I'm glad you did.
"My marriage is over."
Yep, same boat.
"He was lying to me for basically the whole relationship."
Even at his most honest, he was still lying and witholding information from me.
"I have so many mixed emotions. I’m so angry."
You are probably going to be on an emotional roller coaster. Ride it out and express those feelings as best you can. It is natural.
"There was so much gas-lighting and deceit." "I don’t think I’ll ever know the full truth."
Here's the thing: you/we probably will never know the whole truth; but we know enough. You are going to be tempted to dig and uncover more lies; but for me, realizing that was not going to help me anymore, only harm me emotionally, has been key. The most healing thing I have done has been to begin to rebuild my life. The more concrete I make my new life, the less this loss stings. I don't want to waste one more year (22) in his web of lies.
" That’s assuming I ever trust myself/ another person again to get to the point of having a child with them."
I soo get this. Give yourself plenty of time to heal. I, too, struggle that I will never be able to trust anyone ever again. I find great comfort in this forum from others who have said that they have developed trust and found love again. But I am soo not ready for that. I need to be alone and figure myself out and determine what I want for my life.
"I know he’s upset with himself and clearly in some deep state of denial. So that’s hard too."
It gives you more fogginess. He can't just call it for what it is. The truth evades him. And keeps you in his closet. Find someone, a friend or therapist, to talk to. That is healing.
"It’s hard enough finding people my age who are divorced- let alone for this specific reason. I also feel my age is a reason for people to invalidate what I’m going through."
Twenty-two years or 2.5, we don't owe them one more day. They robbed us. We don't get back our virginity or our one and only "death-do-us-part." Don't let anyone invalidate you for your age, circumstances or whatever. What you have gone through is real and painful and traumatic.
I hope this helps. Know that you are not alone. Feel free to post as often as you need. I kind of think of this on some days as an alternative to my journal.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Advice for young person?
MillennialMess wrote:
......
First of all..... Stop. Breathe. You're going to need ALL of your strength and inner resources. This is not something that can be solved in a day or a week, if you haven't found anybody to talk to... find somebody. It's important you have support, and not your husband. Hard as it is too be told...best
friends don't do this. He's kept a secret part of himself from you, something he should have admitted, not let you discover.
Don't stop yourself from crying, It's part of the process we go through. And hell yes be angry.
This is so fucking unfair to happen to a woman so young. But once you have a confidante you can talk to... Friend, family, counselor? you can start to unravel this. And with a whole Straightspouse Forum of men and women who have been/are going through this you'll see your path clearer. There are as many women and men here from all over the planet with as many stories to share and help you through this
( I'm in New Zealand. I'm 62, still with my partner, celibate and saving myself, not 'us' )
Elle
KIA KAHA
- ThisTooShallPass
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Re: Advice for young person?
Well, I'm only a few years older than you. I've noticed that I am one of the youngest people on the forum until now. I thought this whole thing was a thing of the past, that this wasn't a prevalent issue in our generation. How wrong I was, obviously.
I did get married much younger though, and we started a family almost right away--so here I am 15 years of marriage and four kids later, almost one year post-discovery (of his being attracted to men, no proof or reason to believe he's cheated though), and wondering when I'll finally have the courage to walk away from what was the "perfect marriage" that is now destroying me.
You had so much stolen from you. Your story is real, your feelings are real. Find someone to talk to that doesn't invalidate your feelings. Post here. Even if we are different ages, or at different stages of life, those here, we understand your pain.
ETA: I know you don't want to hear "at least it happened now...." but in my case, I guess I am kind of glad it happened now, rather than another 10+ years down the road. Even though I didn't go into parenting with the intention of being a stay at home mom, it was what eventually happened. (I stayed home for about a year after the second was born, went back to my former position for about a year, and then quit for good--then we had two more children.) Now I've been home for around a decade, and the thought of going back into the work force is scary. I cannot imagine if I'd been out for 20-30 years. There is a lot of stigma associated with being a young, divorced woman (with or without kids) and it's all so scary. But scarier is the thougth of giving him more of my life after he stole so much already. I just want to find the strength to move on and put this all behind me to the best of my ability.
Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (February 9, 2021 8:30 pm)
- MillennialMess
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Re: Advice for young person?
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I feel heard and validated and I’m glad to have found this site. I do have a therapist, the most supportive family and friends. It is nice to discuss with people also going through this. Wishing you all strength along with me.
Julian- I won’t let him take my 30s !
Myexodus- you are right that trying to uncover more truth/lies will not benefit me, especially when my decision has been made
Elle- that is a hard truth, but you’re right a best friend wouldn’t hide that from me
Thistooshallpass - at least I know I’m not alone in being younger in this, I agree- it is shocking that this is still an issue in our generation, all my friends are so accepting of everyone, my husband even has a friend who came out in college and everyone was supportive so it boggles my mind he has felt the need to hide this so deeply
One thing I’m struggling with so far is separating him/our relationship and what he’s done to me. I can’t reconcile it to make sense- maybe it never will. But besides the obvious way of being a bad husband- he wasn’t a bad husband if that makes sense. He was kind, wanted to spend time together and plan things he thought we would enjoy, helped around the house ect. Even as we divorce, he still offers to come help me shovel snow ect. As my mom said “besides him being an asshole- he’s not being an asshole”. I think you all know what I’m saying. But then I think all the other thoughts- the lies, cheating ect. And I just don’t understand- how is it the same person?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Advice for young person?
yes that is a good question and I'm not sure I have an answer for it. I think maybe an aspect is that when the person is getting what they want from you they are nice, and then of course you want them to keep being nice - so important to stick up for yourself, are your needs being met - I just didn't see this for so long. Your mum sounds amazing, great to get that support.
- TangledOil
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Re: Advice for young person?
But then I think all the other thoughts- the lies, cheating ect. And I just don’t understand- how is it the same person?
It seems like your husband was able to, at least in his own mind, successfully compartmentalize and justify his actions. It seems he was living a double life separating the two halves out. I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through. I think you’re making the absolute right decision in ending the marriage. You don’t need any of this. I’ve recently come across two young women, both late 20s, who were pregnant when their husbands told them they were gay and wanted a divorce. My heart bleeds for those women.
I wish you all the best going forward.
- Upside
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Re: Advice for young person?
So sorry that you're in this situation, MillennialMess.
To your comment about reconciling these two versions of him: one is the version he wants you to see and the other who he is. Kind friends do not lie to their spouse, cheat, or gaslight them.
I had the same problem in coming to grips with my wife's actions. With time it settled in that many of her kind behaviors were easy wins. Grab something at a store she was already at. Assist with carrying laundry. Anything that would take less than five minutes and make her look good, she was on it. But the challenging things, like an open conversation about our sexuality, are the ones that she could not have.
I was married at 21 in the 2000's. It was hard because I was a stage or two ahead of the crowd. Being divorced at 29 does put you a bit ahead of your peers which is naturally hard for them to understand. Add in the "he's gay thing" and many people don't know how to handle this. But there is good news: you get a head start on a second chance. It is a blessing and a curse.
To your note on this experience haunting you, yes. How could it not on some level? But it will also not define you. Who you choose to be, what you choose to take away from this, is a blank canvas.
You have a good head on your shoulders. You sound strong and are asking the right questions. You will make it through this.
Wishing you happy days ahead.
Last edited by Upside (February 11, 2021 2:35 pm)
- ThisTooShallPass
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Re: Advice for young person?
One thing I’m struggling with so far is separating him/our relationship and what he’s done to me. I can’t reconcile it to make sense- maybe it never will. But besides the obvious way of being a bad husband- he wasn’t a bad husband if that makes sense. He was kind, wanted to spend time together and plan things he thought we would enjoy, helped around the house ect. Even as we divorce, he still offers to come help me shovel snow ect. As my mom said “besides him being an asshole- he’s not being an asshole”. I think you all know what I’m saying. But then I think all the other thoughts- the lies, cheating ect. And I just don’t understand- how is it the same person?
I've thought about this a lot, as I had the "perfect marriage" in everyone's eyes. When it first came out, I was blindsided, I had a great marriage, he was great to me, it wasn't possible. My husband isn't a bad person. The good was there, and that's all I chose to see. Hindsight is 20/20 though, and once I stepped out of the fog of denial, little things made more sense. I think these "great spouses" have gone out of their way to put on the appearance of being a great spouse. I can't speak for your husband, but mine would go out of his way to get attention, to be seen, to get validation, approval, show the good things he did. My husband too, was bullied a lot growing up and I think some of his issues stem from that...kind of a "f--k you, I turned out great and have the best life" mentality. But really, I wonder if it was like he was so miserable inside, he would do whatever he could to make people like him, to make people see him as a good person, and maybe to see him as the Model Straight Husband and Father. So I was seeing all the good, because he went out of his way to make the good known....but this made me doubt myself when I questioned the not so good things that bothered me. Not wearing those rose-colored glasses anymore, I can see so much more, but I still don't know how to reconcile the person I thought he was, that I loved...with the person I now know.