Epiphany wrote:

...... but why don’t I get to be mad and say fuck off to all that?.....,

 
Well..... Why don't you get mad? Why don't you assert yourself and say fuck off? ... Because you have every right to, he won't be expecting you NOT to back down.... And this is Your Life not his. Your decision not his.
I gave my partner 3 years to convince me we could get thru this. He didn't know he was ' on trial ' and at the end of 3 years he'd proven that the only way he was capable of fixing us was sexual, and he would never change. When I said I no longer wanted him sexually he accepted it.
  He has a subservient sexual side and *I* think he likes the fact I'm telling him what do. Perhaps. Maybe. I dunno,

Be strong. Take deep breaths. This. Is. Your. Life.
Stand up for what you want.

Elle

It's interesting or rather sick.  My GX throughout the marriage told me what she would do to me if I ever cheated.

And then in the end I find her cheating.

I just found her affair arrogant..she could cheat but I could not.  Like she was a God or supreme being and could do whatever she wanted..

So your husband wants an affair but does not want you to have one.  Is he a king or supreme dictator?  Clearly we get the same choice..and in that we should see that we have the same powers, importance, and rights.   It's a basic human right..and that they cannot take away from us...they do not have that power.  My GX forfeited all rights and powers when she chose to have an affair.

Sincere best wishes on the counseling..the fact that your husband stated clearly what he wanted, to me, says all there is know.

Epiphany wrote:

He gets this attitude when he shares things and then I want to discuss them further and says “see this is why I can’t share stuff with you”. I asked him why me wanting to discuss things further is an issue? Like why does he feel he needs the counselor to come to his truth? I think he’s afraid of saying something that will make me upset but what he needs to understand is I’m going to get upset! And that’s normal. Just cause it’s hard or uncomfortable doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be talked about..

This!! My husband says all the time if I ask a question or ask to discuss something further, "Why, so you can you just use it against me later?" This angers me for two reasons.  

1.) This is blame shifting, making uncomfortable conversations MY fault?  NO.  
2.) You don't get to say whatever you want, and expect me to accept it at face value.  You've already proven you aren't trustworthy 

My husband would rather give the silent treatment (which is a form of emotional abuse) than talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable.  It's like if he says one thing he knows he's lying, if he says something else it'll either hurt me or make him look like the bad guy.  He doesn't want me to have "ammunition" so to speak, especially if I talk to my one confidant, because it'll "make him look bad." (Not his words - but definitely how he thinks.) Well guess what, he IS the bad guy right now.  We're not in this shit show because of anything I did.  Well...I've stayed when I now wish I'd already left, so I'll take the blame for that.  

We have had those emotional ups and downs too.  When he senses me pulling away, I feel like he drops a "token effort" to try to make me think he cares.  The last time I made it clear I have started to emotionally detach and want to separate, he texted me the next day that we should try marriage counseling.  Now?  NOW he wants to try? I think it's because he feels himself losing his grip on me.  I don't feel like it is about the marriage or me, but rather to keep me in line, so to speak.

I have been letting myself detach for awhile.  It's not easy, especially when there are kids involved.  I understand. Even though my husband has not cheated, "the strength of his desires to be with a man" as you said, are glaringly obvious, and I don't have the energy or desire to fight something of that magnitude. 

Epiphany wrote:

He said he hadn’t taken the time to really look at what he wants (I think it’s obvious too, he’s just taking a very slow path to admitting it to himself and me fully). He cried when she asked what he would do if it was determined that he couldn’t fully satisfy me in our marriage and we went our separate ways and told her “I don’t want that”.

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. He was not being forthcoming and in front of a therapist he said I was trying not to hurt her anymore. I literally pieced his "desires" for a new life, wanting and NEEDING to be a new gender and changing his sexuality all in 1-2 weeks of him being "CONFUSED". He apparently WAS NOT. 

When my stbx told me about his trans new and being bi, I BEG to stay etc (YES, I was insane! I too thought he was my LIFE and SOULMATE. We could weather the storm!) This was BEFORE I found out why he kept telling me about this thought. It was because he had ALREADY experienced this with sexting and chatting with men and sending nude pics.  This "desire" doesn't go away.

Some relationships weather this storm of a partner being desired by an opposite sex and open marriages, but if your heart tells you that this won't work then listen to it. I caused myself so much emotional roller coaster of anger, sadness and grief for 2 months just to find out my "SOULMATE" was just a deceiver and betrayer.  He said he didn't want our marriage to end and would try anything to hold onto it. I even tried to "hold" onto what I thought was my "partner in life", but how do you hold onto your vows and marriage when you desire other people? 

I thought we knew each other, but apparently I was the only one who was truthful with my heart and my desires to be with my partner for life....WHILE he had other desires for 16 years!  This was the main reason the sexual relationship declined, as his "desires" were always with someone else (men)! 

I was mad as hell as you were, then sad, then questioning and pondering about the "future" we could have, BUT I now know the "future" was all in my imagination. Grieiving the loss of a relationship and a spouse, but when you are not "true" to your partner, then who are you? I asked him to LOOK in the mirror the last time I saw him and asked him who he has become??? He said he "didn't know", but I assure you he does. He is trans and now bi and now desires men. He just couldn't come out to say "I don't want you as my partner, you aren't the love of my life anymore." He wouldn't say those words apparently it was "too painful" for him; however his non actions and not being forthcoming to me says is all.

Please look within yourself and know that holding on to your "imagination" of your marriage is not his "imagination".
Listen to your head and not your heart is what I have learned.

Hugs to you! Stay strong and know you should NOT accept anything less than what YOU DESERVE!

"He gets this attitude when he shares things and then I want to discuss them further and says “see this is why I can’t share stuff with you”. I asked him why me wanting to discuss things further is an issue? Like why does he feel he needs the counselor to come to his truth? I think he’s afraid of saying something that will make me upset but what he needs to understand is I’m going to get upset! And that’s normal. Just cause it’s hard or uncomfortable doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be talked about.."
- Epiphany

"This!! My husband says all the time if I ask a question or ask to discuss something further, "Why, so you can you just use it against me later?" This angers me for two reasons.  

1.) This is blame shifting, making uncomfortable conversations MY fault?  "
-This Too Shall Pass

Holy smokes!  So, when we argue he says, "This is why I don't bring up things.  You just get upset."  I never saw that as blame shifting before.  There's a whooooooole bunch of stuff that I never saw...