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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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February 2, 2021 10:14 pm  #11


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

Wow Upside!! I can definitely understand the need to know and I really do think this will be very helpful for some.

I guess I was  lucky, I didn’t suspect a thing and tripped over two discoveries within two weeks. I know all I need to know but I agree technology is scary at times. I personally experienced a breach with my bank account last Thursday and they e-transferred money out - I signed in as it was happening. My account is now frozen pending an investigation.

So anyone out there whose spouse may not be too secure with their passwords- watch out.

 

February 2, 2021 10:14 pm  #12


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

Thanks, Sam. I also was uncomfortable writing it, which probably explains the (way too long) section on the questions around morality.

It just hurts to see so many people here in pain. Maybe it can help someone.

     Thread Starter
 

February 2, 2021 10:24 pm  #13


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

I've always advised those who want to snoop, be prepared for what you might find out. However, for those whose partners are in denial or hiding, might be the only way. If the post was against our guidelines it would be gone now. you included the appropriate caveats.

 

February 3, 2021 8:01 am  #14


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

The "Find My" app requires the phone's user to authorize sharing.  I don't think you're correct that it's set by default to let anyone figure out where you are. 

My cheater is deeply illiterate in terms of technology, so when I decided to "snoop" I found, among many interesting things, a conversation where he was complaining to a friend that I'd come home unexpectedly and caught him with his boyfriend -- fortunately they were just sitting in the yard, but I guess it panicked him.  So his friend was trying to explain how to set up my phone so that he could always track my location.

You can imagine how entertaining I found that prospect.  If I'd known, I would have made it a point to leave my phone lying around unguarded, just so I could fuck with his mind a little, letting a friend take my phone to the beach for a few hours and then suddenly I appear in the house ... "Hi Honey, I'm hooooome!"

 

 

February 3, 2021 9:01 am  #15


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

Thank you for posting this. I am making a hard copy to save. I am not dealing with a cheating partner but have seen and heard too much about women who get taken by romance and other financial scammers. This provides some inexpensive and non-invasive ways to verify before trusting.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 3, 2021 9:53 am  #16


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

I've never felt the need to go through all of this, but I understand why people do.  I think "snooping" is an unfair word for them.  It's apparent that many people only get half truths and lies by omission, and some will never get anything close to a truth.  Most of us are here now because we had our autonomy and right to make informed decisions stolen from us, and I think if this is what it takes for someone to say ENOUGH and walk away from a toxic relationship, then so be it. 

I also think it's unfortunate that one should have to consult an attorney before doing what is necessary to understand their marriage, but I do understand, and I imagine it's even more important to know your legal rights (and any consequences) if you're dealing with a narcissist.  

 

February 3, 2021 11:21 am  #17


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

Thanks longwayhome - hope this guide will be useful for some folks here too! And yikes on the passwords! Hope you have a credit lock in place just to be safe. Someone might use your info to open accounts, which happened to me. Made my jaw drop when a bill for $5k worth of iPhones came in the mail.

walkbymyself wrote:

The "Find My" app requires the phone's user to authorize sharing.  I don't think you're correct that it's set by default to let anyone figure out where you are.  

You are correct! My apologies if my phrasing made it sound otherwise.

I was trying to clarify that a spouse may set up permissions to provide access to you on start while being faithful, but keep these permissions as they begin to cheat. But I will edit this so it is more clear. Thanks!

walkbymyself wrote:

You can imagine how entertaining I found that prospect.  If I'd known, I would have made it a point to leave my phone lying around unguarded, just so I could fuck with his mind a little, letting a friend take my phone to the beach for a few hours and then suddenly I appear in the house ... "Hi Honey, I'm hooooome!"
 

Ha! I love this.

Abby wrote:

Thank you for posting this. I am making a hard copy to save. I am not dealing with a cheating partner but have seen and heard too much about women who get taken by romance and other financial scammers. This provides some inexpensive and non-invasive ways to verify before trusting. 

That's a great point, Abby. Hope it helps!

One idea in this direction: if you're concerned about giving your number out it may be beneficial to use an app like Burner. This allows you to create a disposable number which expires. It will prevent anyone from looking it up, while also allow you to throw it away should you need to be rid of someone. And if they prove to be kind humans, you can give them your real info.

For my uses, I created a number with Burner to see who my wife was texting right after she promised she would change. The woman my wife was texting didn't answer my call, so I moved on. Thirty seconds later she texted me a list of sex acts and prices. It was a prostitute. Very glad I didn't use my number! It's a really neat resource for talking with potentially scary folks.

Love your thoughts, ThisTooShallPass! Agreed fully on snooping and legality.

     Thread Starter
 

February 3, 2021 7:28 pm  #18


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

Upside - I could not agree more with your post!!

Here I was thinking that my "soulmate" was walking this earth "lost" and "not knowing who he was in this world" since accepting of his "trans"revelation. How do you walk out the door and literally "know" you are trans and now you are a bi trans?  

Something about this did not sit right with me! I was still standing by him until I asked for the "secret" amazon account, the password to the email linked to the account and the credit card linked to this account. When he gave it to me over the phone, I immediately reset the password while we were on the phone and locked him out.

He didn't realize that he sync his gmail account to outlook. I have his laptop (bc it was old and he said the screen was broken, so he left it here. GOD was wanting me to see this bc the laptop turned on!!) I was able to reset passwords by unlocking another email account. I did this in the middle of the night. It was like adrenaline took over me all night. I uncovered dating sites, porn sites, emailing men, etc I screen shot it all back to him in an email and told him I unlocked it ALL!

Then the next day I had a feeling he was texting them too! I accessed our Verzion account. For Verizon users, your text message history is online! If you have the password to the account, hit the drop down function for text messages. I uncovered all his nude sexting! My heart and mind were blown reading that he told a stranger he was going to divorce me without even ever telling me about this cross dressing or trans new etc. That message hurt me on a different level. Verizon only keeps a copy of text and pictures if it's not an iMessage. So he was sexting men who were NOT using an iPhone. For the iPhone ones, lord knows how many there were. I counted 212 sexting messages in 3 days but I know that's off, but I see the history with pictures. I sent the pictures and sexting chain back to him! He almost had a heart attack! This is what he considered "private" WHILE MARRIED! Yes, he lost his mind.

For those who don't NEED to discover or snoop,I say go with your gut! I WOULD NOT know this information has I NOT found it! I was going to let him come home and "try" to make it work with a "transwoman".

To think I was so so foolish to trust him for 16 years and then to "trust" that he came up with the "I'm a trans bisexual now when he was apparently "hetero" just didn't sit well with me.

Trust your gut! Do want you need to do within your state laws and remember YOU are NOT crazy to need to "stoop" to this level. The more you know, the better position you will be. Remember this is YOUR life, too!

 

February 4, 2021 12:43 pm  #19


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

You rock, LostAtSea!

I'm sorry that your husband was so low down, but what you did to uncover his misdeeds is out of a spy novel. For those of us in the position where a spouse is not only hiding this info but also gloating to their affair partners, there's no better comeuppance than presenting the truth and reclaiming your life. I cannot imagine my spouse coming out as trans, and using the guise of "I didn't know" (when they did) is an insult to you and those that actually find themselves in this situation.

The "private" line made me shiver again. Mine used the same. "Some things are private". Nope, not in a marriage! Not on who you sleep with. Not on what gender you sleep with. Not on lies. No, no, no!

LostAtSea wrote:

Trust your gut! Do want you need to do within your state laws and remember YOU are NOT crazy to need to "stoop" to this level. The more you know, the better position you will be. Remember this is YOUR life, too!

Preach! 

     Thread Starter
 

February 4, 2021 1:19 pm  #20


Re: Snooping for Curious Spouses

Also for Amazon accounts, he tried to delete the browsing history and "purchases", but he doesn't realize Amazon deletes NOTHING! Go to your "archive" orders and you will see the transactions. This was him trying to delete the history but then only admitting to some but not "ALL" his disgusting sex toys to figure out of he was "bi" and "being desired by men". This has gone on WAY longer than just 2 months ago. I pieced it together.

Also, before he gave me the access to the Yahoo email, he deleted the conversations and history and cleared the "trash" folder. What he doesn't realize that this "smart" spouse knows...if you start a new email conversation, you can just type "A" and it will pull up all items that have an "A" that was searched or new addresses that had been used or even conversation. I did the whole entire alphabet and under N "Nice Pic" or "I like your Profile.

It also allowed me to see who he was emailing too. The history captured the email address it even though the "contacts" were wiped clean. Only with an email address no offical name or phone number, I was able to go online and I don't know how I did it, but I was able to ping the server for this email address. It was some free website that showed me the location. I put two and two together and was able to find the exact location of these men he was chatting with. Then with some detective work, I find their LinkedIn page. These married men, with wifes and children and their high profile executive jobs.I know their wives names, phone numbers, etc. I SO BADLY want to contact the wives as I would want to know if it were me.

I am seriously thinking about going into a private investigator career. I have always enjoyed it and for me I'm pretty good at it. My stbx was shocked I could do all this. I say NEVER underestimate me. And now I have this "evidence" FOREVER that he said "some things are private". For all I am concerned, when you are MARRIED, the only "private" thing you do is go to the restroom and groom yourself. Other than that, NOTHING should be private, esp your "desires" to change genders and sexuality.

He is highly educated, but apparently lacks intelligence; however when your wife is highly intelligent, you DO NOT stand a chance! I say search away if your gut tells you to!

 

 

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