Hi Hawklover, I just read your initial post and if I were you I’d get out now, or if safe to do so, confront him about your suspicions with a definitive exit plan. Your situation is very scary to me. He may even meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Look that up when you get a chance.

Tangled 

Yes, I want to know. The lack of finality was impossible to bear.

It became clear that my wife of 20 years didn't believe telling the truth was a requirement. When confronted about her sexuality and affairs she said "some things are private". Sigh. If there was truth to be found, it wasn't through her.

So, I went back with her to try one final time, to prove to her she couldn't control her love/sex addiction with women, and to prove to myself what had occurred. I snuck an audio recorder in her purse. It caught them locking their kids in a room, saying "I love you" and heading off to the bedroom for 30 minutes. Confirmed. She has no idea I know.

In fact, this gives me an idea: I'm going to write a guide here on how to gather evidence. Is it moral? I don't believe being lied to, gaslit, or cheated on for decades is moral, but to each their own.

I wanted to know the full story, too.  But asking my liar ex-wife for details about her cover affair with a woman and providing precise details about her lies just seemed unproductive.  I wanted truth (i.e., what actually happened) from a compulsive liar. Sort of like looking for water in the desert -- a waste of time.

I don't think anyone here should feel bad about snooping...It's self-preservation, really...In so many stories here, the straight spouse only gets the truth when the evidence is simply insurmountable. 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 26, 2021 1:28 pm)

Blue Bear wrote:

Julian_Stone wrote:

I don't think anyone here should feel bad about snooping... 

I agree.  We are obtaining information that we deserve to know and that is being wrongfully withheld from us.  I also prefer to use a word other than "snooping", which conjures up nosy neighbors peeking over the fence.  I prefer to use the term "discovering", which doesn't carry that negative connotation. 

This is how I feel.  I felt guilty at first, but no more.  My sister reminded me, that most people give up the expectation of that type of privacy when they get married, and there shouldn't be anything worth hiding in a marriage.  I haven't found anything particularly nefarious or salacious like others here, but he already took away my right to make an informed decision about entering this marriage, and I feel I have a right to know if there is anything else going on that affects MY life and marriage.