Thank you Rob and Longwayhome. What makes it so hard, it that my dad is on his last... I am dealing with missing him tremendously, (he is overseas) and I am this side. AND having to deal with not just losing him, but also my husband at the same time.
I have already had my first session of counselling this week and will have another one again Saturday. I have also ordered an eBook to read, https://www.booktopia.com.au/search.ep?pn=1&productType=917504&keywords=my+husband+is+gay&list=8
and I am sure I am going to get more insight with this book too. Thought I'll post the link, as others might see something there they want to read too...
When my parents got divorced about 23 odd years ago, I was devastated, - family life meant everything to me. Now it's happening to me, and even so, when the 4 of us are together (2 boys and us) we always have really good times together. I know my children wouldn't want us to separate. My husband and I are still very good friends. We went out for a quick dinner last night and we talked NON-stop.... I am angry at times, extremely sad at times, especially in the evenings when I go to my room and he goes to his, - the loneliness really gets to me. I want to hold his hand, kiss him... but I can't. Yes, I still love him, but I need help to move away from that. "Those life time of behaviours!"
How did you get through these huge issues, while still living in the same house?
Did your love turn to anger and hatred? 
Which brings me to the point I want to make: I am soooo confused at times, even though I did say we should separate, - is this the right thing to do? Mostly I do think so, as this would give me the freedom to get out and explore and just think about myself for a change. (I am not the slightest interested in meeting other men, heaven knows, - having to deal with their issues, new family, new everything...NOT NOW!! I will run!!) But separation would also give him the freedom to do the same. However, he keeps telling me, that he can't enter a sexual relationship with anyone anymore, as he's had an operation 6 years ago, due to prostate cancer and nobody would be interested in half-a-person. His online friends overseas which he has never met but wants to, know about his life/past/present. They support him, they offer positive advice, I wonder if he tells me that because I should feel sorry for him? I don't know what to think at times. I had a dream a short while ago: I am in a boat, - alone. The boat was moving, but when I looked outside, - moving curtains aside, - I saw chaos....destruction, and a woman and her child consoling each other about the chaos around them. There were other boats in the water too. Then the dream stopped. I know, that's me in my boat, surrounded by chaos at the moment, but I will get out of it, sometime. We still continue with our chores, he does the washing, I clean the house... we both cook, he does in the week, and I do over weekends, because I live far from work. For how, this continues to work well as usual. We still buy groceries together. Regarding money, he has agreed to have his salary paid into our joined account. We are going to see the bank together on Saturday to make a few good changes. And we both have an account for our OWN use, and no one asks questions about that. The fact that he financially wants to support his overseas friends, helped him realise that he should rather find a 2nd income to support them, if he wants us to continue to have one roof over our heads (a house that we are both paying for). Looking (listening) objectively to this, what do you see/hear that I don't see/hear? What am I missing? LOL! Am I an emotional sucker? Am I being eaten alive?

Thank you both for your input/advice. Some days are better than others. I am craving those 'honest discussions' and both have nothing to loose by being open and honest. It helps me to move on, little by little...
I am also watching the series of GRACE AND FRANKIE on netflix and it's interesting, gives me insight, makes me think about things, and I am also reading the book I mentioned before... I have been for my 2nd session of counselling, and yeah, she was shocked to hear I KNEW that he was gay...before we got married... I still need to forgive myself.
We always looked like the perfect couple to others, we often heard that... a dear friend of mine who has gone through an ugly divorce about 20 years ago, looked at us, as a huge sign of hope, encouragement, to think that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Today she is happily married (about 13 yrs)...

I think I understand gay people better today as I have begun to accept my two boys for who they are. Hence I find conversations with my husband easier, however, I think there's more empathy for gay people than straight people in these broken relationships from society...

Look I cannot help it, I shudder when I read the line in your previous post - "..what am I missing..am I being eaten alive?" 

I had a vivid dream too - I was a big beautiful white goose sitting on my nest, my white feathers glistening and these beautiful golden eggs nestling underneath and there was this grey hand creeping up under the feathers to steal the eggs.  Translation - well yes, that is what it felt like, it also turned out my ex was siphoning off money out of our account and stashing it in a secret one of his own.

correct me if I'm wrong but didn't your husband tell you he was bisexual rather than gay?  Didn't he make it seem like he could love you 100%, as if it were a matter of who he chose, man or woman he could love them like that whichever sex he chose.

Last edited by lily (January 17, 2021 6:10 pm)

If SA stands for South Africa you already know the AIDS rate.  You already know about 3-4 "relationships" or "flings" he's had with men; you don't know how many he isn't admitting to. Please protect yourself and do not have unprotected sex with him.   
I knew several  (white) men in South Africa who were 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 18, 2021 7:04 am)

There’s someone else here who knowingly and very willingly married a gay man. I can’t recall her name at the moment though. Last I heard they are still together and doing well.