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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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December 19, 2020 8:58 am  #1


Tiktok Gaslight lesbian?

New here...and new to this.

With the advent of Tiktok, comes the algorithm that controls the content.  My wife joined Tiktok about 4 months ago, and almost immediately found herself in the LGBT section. She found a group of people who were very supportive of her.  (She suffers from an autoimmune disease, anxiety and depression...all of which are medicated and I thought were in control.) 

So she did what anyone on tiktok does...started posting fun videos.  And in posting them, she started to attact a following...and in this following she found about 6 people who were in need of support...which is something she's very good at dealing with.  She gave these individuals a means to talk...either through snapchat or facetime.

One of these individuals she formed a relationship with eventually lead to her visiting this woman.  (In today's Covid world...she said they just sat in a car in a parking lot and watched tiktok videos and laughed.)  They had known each other for 3 weeks.  (Once again not thr smartest decision...but I supported it.)

A few days later...We were sitting on the sofa and I got a little frisky.  And she had a panic attack...full on...one of the worst I've ever seen.  She told me that she doesn't want to ever have sex with a man again...and that she prefers women now.  In the same conversation she also asked for a divorce.  (Also threw out that I needed counseling because I was a narcissist that had gaslight her for years...that shame on me for allowing society to not allow her to marry a woman...a whole LGBT manifesto...none of which I had ever heard before.)

Yesterday morning she ran off for 4 hours.  No warning just disappeared.

Tonight she has her new friend driving 90 minutes to a local bar to have drinks with.

We have been married for 20 years...have 3 wonderful children and I  thought a pretty nice life.  (Built our forever house, have newer vehicles, take a vacation or two yearlu.)  As in all marriages we did have had a rough patch or two over the years.  And due to the anxiety and depression there has been very little love making for the last 5 years.  (As a note...not due to a lack of trying)  But through it all I have been here.

I am trying to decide if this is something which is all in my head and is workable or if it is a completely lost cause.  (Note...I start therapy on Monday.  And have not sought out an attorney yet.)

Last edited by Niucki1 (December 19, 2020 9:26 am)

 

December 19, 2020 11:29 am  #2


Re: Tiktok Gaslight lesbian?

Hi Nick - okay so point taken re the algorithm linking your wife to LGBT sites.

sorry but Covid or not I don't believe they met up and just watched videos.  the reason I don't believe it is because of the panic attack when you got frisky - that conforms to a pattern - like Sean said, once he started having sex with a man he found it almost impossible to have sex with his wife any more.  he described it as an emotional shift.

It is also a pattern for this to happen after the three kids, in mid-life.

and I'm really sorry but if she is accusing you of being a gaslighting narcissist that is an indication she is describing herself.  sorry.

I discovered I was married to one of them.  It sucks.  I wish you the best of luck,

I hope your counsellor isn't trained in LGBT issues, it is better just to have a normal one.  The first thing I did was go to see my doctor for a general check up.  It was reassuring and good to tell someone.

Last edited by lily (December 19, 2020 11:36 am)

 

December 19, 2020 12:31 pm  #3


Re: Tiktok Gaslight lesbian?

Don't fall for the claim that it's all your fault. That can be a form of blame shifting by the other party to assuage any guilt they might otherwise feel about their actions. It's true none of us are perfect and I expect marriages where there was never a rough patch are few and far between. Still, rough patches don't drive you to another gender.

Is it workable? Only if both parties work hard at it. If she continues disappearing and meeting up with new "friends" you will know where she stands. Don't blame tictok. It could just as easily have been a facebook group, twitter, someone at work, a friend of a friend, etc. The thing to keep in mind with most of these online platforms is that they keep feeding you more of the same once they get an idea what you're reacting to. I'm not saying she was actively looking for LGBT content but once she made a positive reaction on something there, the spin cycle started.

Good luck, be kind to yourself, take it slow and sort it all out in your head. You will find your way.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 5, 2021 4:24 pm  #4


Re: Tiktok Gaslight lesbian?

lily wrote:

I hope your counsellor isn't trained in LGBT issues, it is better just to have a normal one.  The first thing I did was go to see my doctor for a general check up.  It was reassuring and good to tell someone.

Simply seconding this. 

We had a lesbian counselor. She wasn’t concerned that my wife was compulsively lying about hiding her female affair partners or that she was hiding searching directions to hotels. She wasn’t concerned that my wife had hit me and I had messaged her that I wanted to talk independently because I was scared to cover it. In fact, as I told her I was divorcing my wife, she suggested we all live together in a house like room mates!

@Niucki1 - I’m so sorry.

Similar to you, wife has kids and stable life. Together for 20 years. Changes in behavior and admission of affairs. Mine just kept them in secret until I had to uncover everything.

Therapy helps. Talk to friends. Read “Chump Lady”. Hit the gym. Focus on work or hobbies. Hugs your kids. And with time it all gets better.

I’m a year and two months from D-day and it is oddly calm here. Yes, my wife is still trying new tactics to win me back which throws me for a loop privately, but gray rock or going full no contact is a viable option. The key is that I’m in a control again, free from the ability for this unstable person to hurt me or my kids.

You’re strong and will overcome this!

 

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