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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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March 8, 2021 1:11 am  #11


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Kel wrote:

4. We now have a Director of Research. This is a straight spouse who went looking for stats on how often mixed orientation marriages work, how long healing takes, etc., and found.... nothing. He has a strong background in research and writing peer-reviewed white papers. SSN will be embarking on doing our own ongoing research, which will then be peer-reviewed - hopefully by the American Psychological Association. We want to become the preeminent source of information about and for straight partners. This will allow us to reach even more people - especially the general public, which needs education about the unique journey and needs of straight partners.

I'm especially glad to hear this. In my experience, it seems like others denounce the straight spouse and his/her experience because evidence demonstrates the LGBTQ side only. I've felt unable to defend my view because no evidence other than others' shared anecdotes (which the average person tends to disregard as evidence) is available. I'd like to know more about the research that's planned.

You state straight spouses, but I think the research should ultimately be applied to mixed-orientation partners across the board, not just since they've been married. The impacts enter different categories when married, but I think the same dynamics can occur long, long before a marriage occurs. I've seen that several on this board have mentioned they met their ultimate husband/wife in their teens. There's no objective research on non-married partners either that I've come across, except rare mention of toxic gay men who've subverted/mocked feminist values. 
 

 

March 12, 2021 10:24 am  #12


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Hi there,

We will need to start our research in a very focused manner so we can get really solid research answers. The first project we envision will be a survey that is open to all straight and non-trans partners - no matter their current relationship status. We intend to keep this survey open indefinitely, and to compile and report on statistics yearly. We intend for this study to be peer-reviewed by a well-known and reputable organization with some heft. Think American Psychological Association. This will not only lend credibility to the results, but will also catapult SSN into the spotlight as the authority on straight partner research. It will also bring awareness to the organization, which will result in more awareness of straight and non-trans partner issues.

The field is wide open right now for research on straight issues. We envision being able to report on different areas of our journey - financial, emotional, family relationships, children, faith, sexuality, lifestyle - the works.  We of course want great stats on where the relationship ended up, too. That's part of what makes the ongoing study so important. If we ask a straight partner who's new to the journey what their relationship status is, they may report that they intend to stay together, and they're succeeding in it. The question may be answered differently a year later, or three, or five, or ten. For couples who've remained successfully (by their standards) in their relationship, we'll want to know what that consists of, and what made the success possible. Did counseling help or hinder that? How did outside pressures affect the success of the relationship?

We also want to do research on the LGBT+ partners; when did they have the first inkling that they might not be straight? What factors made them decide to go into/stay in the closet? How long did they wrestle with coming out before they did so? What was involved in that decision? How did they expect their straight partner to receive this news? How actively involved have they remained with their children?

All of our research will have a 3-pronged mission: to help straight and non-trans partners understand their own journey better, to help the LGBT+ community better understand the impacts that coming out to their straight partner has on them, and to help the general public become more educated on the affects of an LGBT+ partner coming out to their straight or non-trans partner. Research will be critical to all of these goals.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
     Thread Starter
 

March 12, 2021 11:22 am  #13


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

HUGE OBJECTION TO TERMINOLOGY:
Why do you not refer to a "non-trans partner" as straight?  Why single us out and shunt us over to a category in which we are defined not by what we are, but what we are not--trans.  To do so defines us in relation to our trans spouses.  

 

March 12, 2021 11:58 am  #14


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

OutofHisCloset wrote:

HUGE OBJECTION TO TERMINOLOGY:
Why do you not refer to a "non-trans partner" as straight?  Why single us out and shunt us over to a category in which we are defined not by what we are, but what we are not--trans.  To do so defines us in relation to our trans spouses.  

I am the lead on the research for SSN and I the research and language used in the research survey will be inclusive for all people. Demographic questions will allow for the person taking the survey to self identify, they will not be placed into a pre-determined bucket. Its up to the research team to stratify the data for analysis and review.

All people who who will be surveyed will answer basic demographic questions, from there there will be a series of questions asked, so that we can answer some of the questions that Kel mentioned.  The survey will be set up for anyone to answer.  

Demographic questions below for an example:

How do you identify your gender Check one response:  Man, Woman, Non-Binary, Gender fluid, Gender Queer, Another Gender____, Prefer not to answer.

Do you identify as transgender or non-binary?  Yes, no, prefer not to answer

Which of the following best describes your sexual orientation: straight/heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, pansexual, asexual, demisexual, queer, another sexual orientation_____, prefer not to answer.

What is your race/ethnicity:  white, black, African American, American Indian or Alaska native, Asian, native Hawaiian or pacific islander, another race or ethnicity, prefer not to answer.

Feel free to message me with your thoughts and ideas, questions you are seeking and I can add them to the list of the many ideas we have already received. The survey research is currently under development. 
Thanks 
Joe

 

 

March 12, 2021 12:16 pm  #15


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

As a gender critical feminist (and ex-director of a university women's studies program) I can see that there would be much you and I wouldn't agree with, beginning with the elision of sex into gender.  "Woman" is not a gender; feminine is a gender.  The dictionary definition of Woman is this: adult human female.  My sex is female; (therefore) I am a woman.  

I'm understandably sensitive on this question of definitions and labels, and who determines how things will be defined and labeled, as trans activists and my trans-identified ex equate femininity with female, and insist that "woman" is defined not by one's biological sex but by one's performance of femininity.  In order to claim his "woman-hood," my ex "performed" an extreme (and misogynistic) femininity, and re-defined me as "butch" and "lesbian," neither of which I am.   

And it's not just me, individual.  It's we females, we women, all of us.  It's the erasure of femaleness, it's female erasure.  "Woman" is being taken from us, and we're being redefined as "cis," or as "uterus havers" or "pregnant people."   







  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 12, 2021 9:21 pm)

 

March 12, 2021 12:35 pm  #16


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

OutofHisCloset wrote:

As a gender critical feminist (and ex-director of a university women's studies program) I can see that there would be much you and I wouldn't agree with, beginning with the elision of sex into gender.  My sex is female.  
 

This is all a work in progress and  I provided an example which is no where near its final form for use,.  Diversity of thought, perspective and experience is welcome, feel free to email me at jhess@straightspouse.org and we can talk about all things research and opportunities to move forward. I welcome your input.

Joe
 

 

March 12, 2021 8:22 pm  #17


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Joe, I totally support what OutofHisCloset states above. It is indeed women erasure. There is such a thing as going to far in redefining anything, but to redefine sex, male, female. This is certainly not what is happening in the scientific world. It’s still very much male and female they base their scientific studies on, mainly males and they are just realizing now that symptoms aren’t always the same depending on, yes, sex. Female is my sex, my gender matches being and feeling femine. So gender determines who in humans can create life? No sex determines who can procreate, not gender. . If female is gender, then who is naturally able to produce humans, male and female. Like all animals, humans have two sexes, males and females. I truly mean no disrespect to you Joe. But I do feel disrespected by my husband and his lies, We, in this forum, we have all lost our agency and our right to free choice with these marriages. This is what is so wrong about all of this, it seems to get lost, no matter who tries to put the focus on our issue. It gets buried by trying to find a balance, but the scale always seems to tip towards LGBT. That isn’t what I call an equal balance, something the LGBT community should be very familiar with an unequal balance. We are their stain, past, best forgotten life, but nobody wants to address the destruction they leave behind, not just to their spouse, but their children. What about the innocent kids, they didn’t ask for these toxic environments. My son, 30 years old - he must really wonder what was real abouthis own life, if what his parents had was based on a lie. It changes who your child was meant to be.

Edited to add: Interesting read on this very subject: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161122075953.htm

Just reviewed those questions again, sorry who is the audience for this research, straight spouse or is this another LGBT study. This forum is called Straight Spouse, that is what we all are. We are straight, we are not defined by what our partner is or is not, we defined ourselves as straight, period, hetero!!! Is that being redifined too. I work in research too.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 13, 2021 10:29 am)

 

March 13, 2021 11:34 am  #18


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Interesting read on this very subject: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161122075953.htm

The other article attached to the above one is very good too. It explains the importance of understanding these differences. Understanding these differences makes huge differences how any research ends up being gathered and analyses. You aren’t getting a true picture because you ignore the very basic fact you are really studying two sexes at the core.

What Clintonia states above is also a very valid point. I’m one of those straight spouse who was young when she met her husband. I don’t believe my husband set out on this journey to destroy people, much less me or his child, but in the end his denial of himself led to him experiencing some serious mental health issues, which is part of what I now find myself in the middle of, during a pandemic, which brings its own challenges too, depending under what restrictions your country/area imposed. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this forum who has experienced this side of their spouses denial.

I think this comment bears repeating in case others missed it. Just reviewed those questions again, sorry who is the audience for this research, straight spouse or is this another LGBT study. This forum is called Straight Spouse, that is what we all are. We are straight, we are not defined by what our partner is or is not, we defined ourselves as straight, period, hetero!!! Is that being redifined too.

I would like to explain my strong stand on the above statements. I currently accepted a work contract, part of my exit strategy, I was retired. So imagine my surprise after a full analysis of a situation with huge implications, is all I can say. To find the problem occurred because of a lack in understanding terminology, terminology that science has not even accounted for, gender, same sex relationships and how that can all play out in society, mixed families, definitions most programs, services to citizens, be they government or private sector. They are unknowingly making decisions based on a individual’s (with decision making authority) interpretation of terminology. I won’t even get into how draining this has been, considering my own personal situation.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 13, 2021 12:04 pm)

 

March 13, 2021 7:27 pm  #19


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Frankly, I don't understand why this research is necessary. There is already outstanding research by Dr. Omar Minwalla that describes what happened to us and its consequences.  All these labels (gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever) are just a distraction from the simple truth. I know this information has been discussed on the forum many times but it has never been placed in a prominent location for everyone to benefit from it

"Deceptive Sexuality: The CASRD and Trauma Model"
 https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/the-casrd-and-trauma-model/

His findings regarding our trauma symptoms,  (If you don't like the term sex addiction then think of it as deceptive sexuality)
https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/thirteen-dimensions-of-sex-addiction-induced-trauma-sait-among-partners-and-spouses-impacted-by-sex-addiction/

And yes, longway, I so agree with what you said about children.
 

Last edited by Lynne (March 13, 2021 7:39 pm)

 

March 13, 2021 8:45 pm  #20


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Lynne, Truly worth mentioning Dr Omar Minwala It’s his work/podcasts that started me on my own journey. He explained and validated everything I was feeling/experiencing, for years, before I even found out about TGT.

 

Last edited by longwayhome (March 14, 2021 6:00 am)

 

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