Itsabouther,

I am also a straight white male in America.

It is inarguable that people who look like me have enjoyed certain privileges of opportunity throughout the history of our society.

That said, it must be recognized that with those privileges has come incredible responsibility.  And pressure.

Be a man.  It’s a man’s world.  Suck it up.  There’s no crying in baseball.

No wonder so many feminists call masculinity “toxic”.  If they had been raised to behave this way, they too would be suffering substance abuse, mental health breakdowns, homelessness and early death at the rates men are.

Add to that the additional gender mindfuck stresses of being a straight spouse to a lesbian?  I hear you, itsabouther.  I’m there with you.

But the larger society is made up of many people who do not think this way.  They see a reductionist history of straight white male authority figures just by looking at the money and the street names and find it easy to tweet about oppression without really thinking through the actual structures of power that have delivered our society to this present moment.

Again, they see the privilege of opportunity, but don’t recognize or calculate the cost of that opportunity.

I know you are not arguing against a society that awards opportunity by merit.  I’m not going to disrespect you and assume that your desire to be respected as a straight white male means you are a terrible racist and sexist asshole.  Of course not! 

But not everyone will be so generous in our online culture.  They see someone wanting to be respected as a straight white male, and they are triggered.  And they launch a dangerous online attack (crusade) against your very humanity.

Over what is essentially their own prejudice.

Now.  All that is the backdrop for the online world we are living in today.  Regardless of whether I like this scenario, I recognize it as the world we are living in.

In THIS world, the name OurPath is preferable to SSN because it does not trigger anyone.

I don’t love the name OurPath because it is a tad generic.  But I don’t cringe at it like I did at SSN because I always knew that SSN was triggering to a bunch of people.  Not to me, so much, but to others who act on emotion and don’t take the time to think things through.

My hope is that you yourself can take a deep breath and understand that the name change is not directed at you personally.  It is about inclusivity.  And I am taking the time to write a long post which, I hope, both understands you and explains the larger idea.

I hear you, itsabouther.  I really do.  Love, respect and understanding to you.

Victo, Of course narcissists want to be socially accepted   Much of the extremism and hatefulness on the political right and left is driven by people with deep-seated narcissistic traits.  I personally have no interest in "accepting" people who have NPD.  They're not running to therapists looking for a cure. To me, these behaviors are becoming too acceptable in our culture and if this trend continues there will be even more victims of their control and abuse, in their personal relationships and beyond  ie, individuals like us and organizations like SSN.

Last edited by Lynne (September 21, 2021 2:24 pm)

Acceptance and inclusion has everything to do with our journeys as straight spouses. 

And it is historical fact that conversations around inclusion began with race and civil rights and developed from there into conversations around gender rights, homosexual rights, trans rights, etc….

And, all that said, it would be great if we could stop talking about everybody’s rights and start talking about everybody’s responsibility.

You have the full right to be a lesbian and marry another lesbian, but you have the responsibility to not hoodwink an unsuspecting straight person and force them into your closet.

yes, that's a good plan. If I were more able to do it I would be setting up a new forum - call it the Straight Spouse Forum. 

I might be wrong but I think it is still a question of keeping a forum in the public arena which is visible on a google search by the straight spouses who are looking for it.

I think it's nice to have a friendly forum, I genuinely like being inclusive but I find the idea of being inclusive when SSN was initially set up to reach out to the Straight Spouses, who we know are already swimming in the word salad of denial, bizarre.  like a snake swallowing it's own tail or something.  

to my tired old soul it sounds like we've been given our marching orders back into the oubliette.  not even the name straight spouse remains, let alone the accretion of all our stories.  no back into the anything goes spaghetti salad for you.

When the British Navy arrived here in Australia they did some awful things, abused the initial friendly civility of the locals and then when they had the numbers, pretended the original inhabitants hadn't fought for their lands and declared it Terra Nullius instead.  Empty land.  They claimed ownership of it by stripping the locals of their human status.  that meant they had to treat them extra bad.

people are so cute aren't they.  and nice as it is of Victo to want to shoulder the responsibility it's not really like that is it, it's women too, it's all of us.  Not to say there aren't all sorts.  Right on that first ship there was an Englishman, included to set up a weather station he was up on a headland getting to know the locals on his own terms and he fought against the abuse and ended up spending his whole life fighting against slavery.

Last edited by lily (September 21, 2021 9:58 pm)

On the OurPath page, up the top and along at the end there is a heading Resourses and in the dropdown I see, as expected, resorces for straight partners, partners of trans, but under that I see resources for the LGBTQ partner.
Along from Resources I found News. In the dropdown I find the sub-heading In The News....."Check here for major news items pertaining to LGBT+ issues that affect Straight Partners, Partners of Trans People and their families." not 
"Check here for major news items that affect Straight Partners, Partners of Trans People and their families... pertaining to LGBT+ issues" like it's been written not for the straightspouse community but for the LGBTQ+ other lot. 

My first thought was...oh, you're inviting the very people who hurt the straightspouse to come in and witness our pain. My next thought was...I suppose next we'll have LGBTQ members joining the Forum.

Elle