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November 4, 2016 6:07 pm  #41


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Shirley - I completely agree that this forum should not evolve into a "poor me" gay parade.  Unquestionably, the Straight Spouse Network's purpose is to support straight spouses.

When I first found this forum five years ago, it took me several months to understand my appropriate role here as a gay spouse.  I now follow a few self-imposed rules -

1. I try to wait at least a full day before responding to a new thread.  I think it's very important that the first several replies come from straight spouses and not a gay one. 
2. I try to only post new and relevant information.  If a straight spouse can say something I can, there's no need for me to say anything.
3. I try to stick to subjects I know first-hand, especially the "Is he gay?" question and the pros vs. cons of staying in a MOM.
4. I respond when someone directly asks me a question.

I know some people don't like this new message board, but I think the change has enabled the regulars to really shine.  In my opinion, the quality and thoughtfulness of the posts are the best they've ever been.  As a result, I find there's less I can usefully add.  Although I check in almost every day, I'm happy to lurk and mostly not post.

And why do I like to lurk?  To continue my own education.

Because I participate in other forums, both in person and on-line, I encounter "bi-curious" men all the time.  These men are so stuck in their own narrow worlds that they have no genuine understanding of how their hidden sexuality affects others.  If I wasn't there to push, prod, question and advocate, they'd rely on similar "curious" men to direct them.  I think I add a great deal of value to those conversations --- but only because I spend so much time lurking, reading and learning here.

This *is* your forum, Shirley.  So I respectfully ask for your permission to continue to chime in from time to time, subject to the restrictions I have outlined above.  Will that work for you?

 

November 4, 2016 7:02 pm  #42


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Thanks for the coyote example Cajunbelle. It was perfect. We're kind of like the cyber equivalent of men who stumble into the women's bathroom only to start blathering on about how men have been so marginalized throughout history. I get it now. In response to JK, I've felt nothing but welcome here and I respect all opinions. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so perhaps we can correspond off the boards via email or perhaps via another forum? Just an idea. 

 

November 4, 2016 7:07 pm  #43


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Cameron wrote:

Because I participate in other forums, both in person and on-line, I encounter "bi-curious" men all the time.  These men are so stuck in their own narrow worlds that they have no genuine understanding of how their hidden sexuality affects others.  If I wasn't there to push, prod, question and advocate, they'd rely on similar "curious" men to direct them.  I think I add a great deal of value to those conversations --- but only because I spend so much time lurking, reading and learning here.

I feel the same.  A bunch of "curious" bi and "str8" men with wives and girlfriends... So many of those guys are guiding each other online on how to live on the "DL."  Creating a DL culture.  They're not thinking about the women or the broader picture.  Reading this forum helps me talk to those guys.

 

November 4, 2016 7:29 pm  #44


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

There are lots of different people on here strait gay and questioning.  The gay guys in this forum are very helpful.  When I fist arrived here in trauma mode the advice I received from Cameron was a lifeline he helped me to realize that yes he's really not straight and it helped a lot to get the perspective from the gay spouse side. I've read the posts from the other guys too and they're always so insightful.  It makes for a well rounded forum.
Vicky


 
 

November 4, 2016 7:33 pm  #45


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Thank you Sean for your answer, it gives me some clarity and some food for thought. 


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

November 4, 2016 7:50 pm  #46


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

See.... This is the difference between the gay men who post here and the lesbians who have posted here in the past. When the gay men who post here get criticized they apologize and try to understand what they can do differently. When lesbians post here and get criticized they tell you to go fuck yourself.

Sorry for the generalizations. I broke a rule.

Sam: Bad Steve.... but seems true.... in general. A pass this time.....

Last edited by Sam (Admin) (November 4, 2016 8:10 pm)


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

November 4, 2016 8:02 pm  #47


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Séan wrote:

In response to JK, I've felt nothing but welcome here and I respect all opinions. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so perhaps we can correspond off the boards via email or perhaps via another forum? Just an idea. 

Yes.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable either.  I offered to stop posting on the board a few days ago, but then so many asked me to stay.  As a result of all that support, I feel very welcomed here as well.

But, I really don't want to trigger people who are suffering.  I wonder if, when we post, we should put like a "Trigger Warning" at the top.  "Trigger Warning: Gay Male Perspective," or something like that.

Curious about people's thoughts?


 

Last edited by Jeff W (November 4, 2016 8:05 pm)

 

November 5, 2016 7:11 pm  #48


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Hi JKpeace,

jkpeace wrote:

I am sorry that there seem to be many personal attacks going on, here.  I understand venting and being angry, but I'm sorry that some people have attacked you (& Jeff & others, perhaps).

JKpeace,

I have noticed the recent personal attacks on this board as well. 

This all started when I made a post about growing up gay.  After I made that post, four straight women thanked me for writing it, and they had more questions for me.  They told me that my post helped them, we spoke via PM as well as publicly, and became friends after that.

I came on this board for information about dealing with a situation:  My closeted gay male cousin had married a straight woman.  I was very pissed at my cousin for having married her, and I wanted to know how I could help his straight wife. 

You guys have taught me so much. 

I do realize that this is a forum for straight spouses to heal, and that I am a gay man – not a straight spouse.  So, why am I here?  Well, I ended up staying on here because many of you were thanking me for helping you heal.  I'm here for you.

Many here have asked me to stay and to keep contributing.  However, if my presence is interfering with people’s healing, then that is the last thing I would want to do. 

So, I'm asking all of you: What would you like me to do?

 

Last edited by Jeff W (November 5, 2016 7:11 pm)

 

November 5, 2016 8:11 pm  #49


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

If we can keep the drama to a minimum and the support to a maximum it's all good.

People who don't see eye to eye should simply try to ignore each other.

As Jesus said "Just be cool"


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

November 5, 2016 9:35 pm  #50


Re: Feeling overwhelmed

No trigger warnings.  Ecchh.

I'm of two minds...my situation is that my husband is a CD/TG, and if someone who's trans starts posting about how autogynephilia is a plot by TERFs and by god he's an actual woman because he says so...well...I'd be gone pdq.  And it seems to me that this place is not the place for that.

 

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