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September 28, 2020 8:41 am  #1

Having a rough day

Married 22 years and have a 9 year old boy. Wife came out to me on July12th that she is a lesbian. We have not been intimate in over 2 years and very little since our son was born. We now sleep in different beds. I am ok with this arrangement. We have agreed to remain faithful to each other as long as we are still together. I find it difficult on most days( I'm off work for 8 weeks as I crushed two fingers 2 weeks ago at work). She is happy and upbeat with her new identity while I am so confused and hurt. She is my best friend and soulmate, she tells me I am hers as well. What I am struggling with is seeing our once great marriage(I thought it was prior to july12) slowly die away and I can't do a thing about it. I have a strong emotional connection with her that I don't want to lose, I will never be able to share 100% of myself with her again. From what she has told me, she has never shared 100% of herself with me. There are days that I look too far into the rabbit hole and it scares the crap out of me. I am trying to take it day by day and one step at a time.  I have spoken to a therapist and have 100% support from my family.  I am no longer in love with my wife, but I sill love her dearly. Trying to adjust and adapt to my new unwanted reality , it is very difficult to say the least. I need to settle my mind ,heart and soul. Not sure how I can do this given the situation i"m in. i just needed to vent as my mind has been working overtime lately. Any advice or input would be more than welcome

You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.

September 28, 2020 9:09 am  #2

Re: Having a rough day

stevo,  your observations are very wise.  You are right that she never shared 100%, despite you having done so.   

I'm so glad you have a therapist and your family backing you.  

It is so brutal to watch them move forward and be excited and giddy about their new life.. while they are simultaneously ruining our lives.  talk about unfair... 

Just give yourself room for the roller-coaster.  You are going to have bad days and terrible days and some ok days as you continue these early days.   As time goes on you'll have more ok days and some good days and fewer bad days..  

You are still in that foggy time period.  The storm clouds are still hanging over your head and you can't see past them.  If you could.. you would see bright sunny days in your future...    If I could have seen how happy I would be today at that time I would have asked for a divorce before I even got confirmation she was a lesbian.  Seriously..  life is so good..  so fulfilling now..  so much better than my prior marriage was.  But I couldn't see it either.. I could only see the destruction of my life as I knew it at that time.  Only the storm clouds.   

stevo..  life gets better my friend..  there are better days ahead.  I know you can't picture them right now, but try to remember on your bad days that life gets much better. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 28, 2020 9:57 am  #3

Re: Having a rough day

Thank you Phoenix. I know it's early in my journey and things will get better. This is such a sad time, I find myself crying quite a bit,it is somewhat refreshing as the more I cry there seems to be a lil weight taken off my shoulders each time. I am trying to focus on me and my son. She seems to be doing just fine. 

You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter

September 28, 2020 10:30 am  #4

Re: Having a rough day

"but men aren't supposed to cry"..  blah blah blah.. 

Crying is healthy.  You are releasing pent up emotion and it makes you feel better.  Keep doing it when you feel the urge. 

You are doing this right.  You're going to be fine as well.  Your son will see your strength as you push through.

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 28, 2020 10:56 am  #5

Re: Having a rough day

I can relate Stevo. My wife came out in August and we have been married 8 years. We had some intimacy but it was always a struggle. 

It is so hard to see her happy and excited and meanwhile my dreams are dying in front of my eyes. I wanted a happy family for my kids to grow up with both parents loving them and each other and it seems harder now.. 

Hang in there and take it one day at a time. 


September 28, 2020 11:46 am  #6

Re: Having a rough day

Stevo, Phoenix summed it up perfectly.
We have all been there (male to female trans ex-husband issue here), and that stage where you think your life is ruined, you won't be able to live happily again without your husband/wife, etc, is a horrible mood we all experienced.
But give yourself time and you will eventually see.


September 28, 2020 12:05 pm  #7

Re: Having a rough day

Dad1st. As much as this sucks, it's good to know i'm not alone. I like you had dreams and a sense of security in our marriage. I always thought i would be happy and KNOW that my son would grow up in a loving home with both parents present. Now that isn't looking like the case. It's heartbreaking. I would do about anything for my son, I don't think I could live like this long term( I doubt she is willing to either). 
Thank you Terracotta. My therapist and family have all told me the same, give yourself time,,,,I can envision happiness in my future, it's all i can do to hold my shit together in the meantime. I trusted her 100% prior to July12th, I feel like i'm looking at a stranger in my own home. 

You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter

September 28, 2020 12:28 pm  #8

Re: Having a rough day

I think it's pretty normal to believe our kids need a single home and two parents providing a constant connection. We underestimate how perceptive they can be in feeling relationship issues, even if they can't yet describe them properly. We also tend to forget how easily they can roll with change.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

September 28, 2020 1:38 pm  #9

Re: Having a rough day

I would be gentle with yourself about assuming too much responsibility too. There's no way you could have known this would happen. You made the best decision you could based on the knowledge you had at the time. There was another adult in the equation. One who didn't provide all the information you needed to make an informed decision. So many of us only see the hints of this in hindsight. Sometimes not even then. You were sincere in your love and devotion to your family. Your kids will always have access to that from you. Focus on that instead would be my suggestion.


September 28, 2020 2:45 pm  #10

Re: Having a rough day

Thanks Daryl. That is a good reminder. My son has no idea as to what is going on. Little does he know it, the hugs and wanting to read to me at bedtime has really helped me. I feel in the last 2 weeks that we have really connected with me being home all the time(perhaps the silver lining to my injured fingers).

Thank you Whilligig. I had no idea she was gay, we never had an active sex life, I always thought it was because of the abuse that suffered as a child,we had talked at length about this and i always respected her and gave her the distance when she needed it, this became the norm in our marriage. She told me on July 12 th that she never loved me in the way that I deserved and that she has always been attracted to girls even at an early age. Well if she would have told me that she had an attraction to women before we got married, I would not have married her. She kept that from me! Even though she didn't identify herself as gay back then, she withheld that little nugget of info from me figuring she could deal with it. I don't blame myself at all for any of this as I was a loyal and loving husband who trusted his wife 100%. I like what my therapist once said that sums it up well, Sometimes shit just happens.

You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter

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