Definition of success. Relative to what? the person/persons in the marriage/r'ship, or those on the outside looking in and judging?
For me it's being okay with the choices I've made. Whereas I used to see my r'ship with my bi partner a success which included the intimate side of it...now it's a success but that intimate part is no longer relevant to that success. There are some who'd say "it's not a r'ship without sex" Well boo to you....this is my take on what I took part  in building and growing until my bisexual partner changed the dynamics and after 3 years soul-searching I had to do a bit of dynamic-changing myself. I know it's an ever-changing beast as well. We're in a bit of a hiatus at the moment as we plan to move cities and I'm aware that while my stance on no intimacy won't change .......my partner's need for sexual connection may become too difficult for him to ignore. But as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  said "Don't cross that bridge til you come to it" 

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 3, 2020 8:49 pm)

TangledOil wrote:

........ I consider my MOM a success even through were only 10 months post revelation...... I knew for close to 28 of our 28 years together, at least on some level.........

 

Even though you say you knew on some level about your partner that's certainly different from being told/finally realising/having the fact out in the open. It took me 3 years to get to the point where I said to myself and my partner "I no longer want you sexually" and another year to come to terms with the fact that if every other part of our life was good....why leave it. 
I advise you to live with this revelation (I was going to put new revelation but it's not is it?)...live with it for 3 years. And read more, talk more....do you know for a couple of years before my partner brought up exploration with men I had been convinced it was a woman, or women, I was competing with. The woman he had been seeing (and was okay with anal sex) was my enemy! and every woman I saw during my day I'd ask myself  "is that her, does she look like that?" and I'd be green with jealousy. I tormented myself like this for months, bought several books about infidelity, cheating partners etc, was sad, cried often. 
Then slowly the realisation dawned that this! whatever it was had been started back when he first suggested we meet other people (the start of our open r'ship) and what we had built up over all the years...started going downhill. 
I'm a thinker, process much of what goes on internally, so kept many of my dark thoughts to myself, forever the one who backed down in confrontation

We'd had a meet with a bisexual man, he appeared to LOVE the interaction. Then he met the woman who let him fuck her anally. Did it make him feel then that he needed more? Needed more male contact. I tormented myself & kind of knew my partner was tormented by NOTHING. 
When I finally found SSN it wasn't an instant "oh well that's it! I'm out of here!" I was still emotionally and financially invested in the life we'd created together. Co-dependent? You betcha I was and, at that time, co-dependent was  an arrow to the heart from people who judge others, not how I saw myself at all. So I did a lot of soul-searching, and after 3 years (it was the statistic I read about how long people stayed together after the moment of disclosure, the point in time when you pass a point and know things will never go back to how they were before)....I decided that since sex had always been the fulcrum his life turned on/was influenced by then if I was to feel safe I would put it out of his reach. 
I don't know if he sees anybody, a bit on the side, a website he uses for chat with men (I have suspicions, have learned that suspicion only eats away at my heart so rarely allow it in)

10 months isn't long in the scheme of LGBTQ mindfucks.....give yourself more time Tangled. Rome wasn't built in a day. And we are building a new version of ourselves. The outcome, the final destination.. doesn't matter as much as the journey getting there. What's super important is that you make the right decision for you.

Elle



 

When I first found out my husband was looking online for men, (all I knew for 15 months was ‘just looking’ since he was lying to me). Once I found he had cheated, I immediately got online to look for help. I needed to find information as to what I could do (whether it be to stay or go. I didn’t know what to do at first!) But, I needed some help. The first forum I found was “surviving infidelity”. I posted some on there & got some good help with post-affair things to do to help the marriage, but it wasn’t easy posting about same sex affairs. It was also terribly negative and almost everyone was angry.
I eventually found SSN. But, to back up. It took 15 months of me looking at his computer, phone, AT&T records etc. I found porn, dating sites & emails to men......It was awful. Everything I found & asked him about, he would say “I never met any of those men!!!!!”...always in a defensive manner. (Red flag). Then, he finally had to admit he went to meet them, but said he didn’t have sex with any of them! He said none met his standards....one was too old; one was a hoarder, etc......Well, turns out they were, but he had sex with them anyway. He never turned anyone down.
On June 1, 2019, he finally admitted to ONE man after I found enough info on his phone/AT&T. He said they met at the local porn video store& had oral sex in the little back rooms ..(UGHHHH) for about 2 years. He said he picked this guy because he was about the same age, married, ‘safe’ & could get there quickly. He was only interested in the oral sex; nothing else. He didn’t even know the guy’s last name.
I was in total shock & didn’t know where to turn. It took several weeks to decide if I wanted to stay & then it was tentative. *the ‘affair’ had been over for 6 months*. We started reconciliation, bought books & both read through them together. He was trying, but I never thought it was hard enough after the beginning. I never gave up on the other men questions. So, when he finally realized I was serious about a polygraph (these things are more often brought up on the other forum), he admitted he had been having sex with men our entire relationship; and in fact since Boy Scouts. That was Nov 24, 2019.. 
I originally told him to leave. I couldn’t handle it. But, we had such a great  relationship before this. We were best friends, had a good sex life (only reason it wasn’t great was partly due to me. I’m ill & weak, so limited), and just got along great. He never went out at night. He did all this during the day. He has his own business & goes around town all day to businesses & residences tinting windows....so, he had time on his hands in between.
It’s been hard. I changed to the point where I was screaming, saying things I’ve never said before, and just thought I would go crazy. I was married before, and my husband NEVER cheated on me in 32 years. He passed away just after I turned 50. I got married just out of high school & that was all I knew. My current husband was a bachelor until we got married. All he knew was drugs & sex (with anyone & everyone) all his life. So, it was normal to him to be having sex outside the marriage even though I had told him how I felt about monogamy before we got married..STRICT monogamy. This was torture for me & I couldn’t see how we could get through it. I didn’t think I could get over him leaving home in the morning/ kissing me goodbye & then going out & sucking a guy’s dick/ coming home & kissing me again like nothing was different. I couldn’t get the images out of my mind. It was killing me more than the bisexuality was bothering me. 
Anyway, I finally found SSN & felt I had finally found help. But, there was as much negativity & anger here as there was on the other forum until I found the MOM’s section. Heck, I didn’t even know what a MOM was! It was a big help & actually had suggestions that might work to keep a marriage together instead of just how to get out of it. My husband & I get along really well for the most part. Since all this happened we have been arguing/ or having long “discussions”.....all day ones. But, they’re getting better. We’re both working at it. I love him very much and it would be terrible just to throw it all away before giving it a good try. He hasn't looked at porn or been with a man since before May 30, 2019, which is the longest he's gone without. Ouch.
I am truly sorry for all of you who have tried and had your marriages NOT work. I feel for you & at the same time, I see a lot of you are much happier now. I’m glad for those of you who are, whether your marriage worked or not. 
Through this thread, it’s been mentioned that we “MOM’s” saying positive things about making things work is like “rubbing salt in the wound” for people whose MOM’s didn’t work. Well, coming on to this forum & ONLY reading negative things about marriages NOT working and how they CAN’T & how we don’t stand a chance, etc; is hurtful, too. That’s what I ran into when I first go on it & it almost ran me off. It’s harmful to all to only be negative & to spread that negativity to someone new who is trying to find some hope in all of this. 
I’m glad when I see someone like TangledOil who believes her MOM is a success even though it’s only 10 months. If you’re doing well, TO, then you’re successful. Hopefully that will continue for you!
Of course, I don't know how successful our MOM will be/if it will last, but I don't want to just give up before trying. If things don't work out, I do know I'll be all right by myself, but would much rather spend it with my husband, as long as he's faithful and good to me.
Oh, and I was told by someone that they didn’t want to hear me talking about the “glories’ of a MOM.....wow, I’ve never done that! We’ve yet to reach the glory stage, but hope to someday do that. We’re hopeful and with our love for each other, if we stay open & honest, I think we have a chance 😊. 

Last edited by SusanneH (October 6, 2020 11:25 am)