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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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July 11, 2020 4:50 pm  #1


Does the pain go away?

Hi All,

New in this forum.

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years.

Recently found some messages from other men, with whom he has clearly had some sexual encounters. Yes several men.
A few years back I had found some messages and emails, and confronted him about. He denied everything. He then said he met up with one guy to smoke weed. Nothing sexual. I brushed it off, because I wanted to believe it, I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

When I found the messages recently, I kept digging. Found him on a sex "dating" website and in his profile he labeled himself as bisexual.

I tried to confront him about it and once again he denies everything. Keeps saying he has never had an affair. He wont tell me why he is on the website. And then twisted the whole conversation to make me feel guilty, when he is the one doing wrong.

When I look back now, his interest in men, make some things make sense. We have never had a great sex life, I always thought maybe ED , since he is 15 years older than me. And has always said I never initiate, when I do and he finds some excuse not to. And has many times suggested we have anal, I was never into that so always said no.

I feel so much betrayal and anger. I feel like I have been living a lie.

Will he ever admit? I feel like I need that to find closure.

Does this pain ever go away? I find myself crying a lot and shaking.

I want to leave him, but I am afraid and worried how this will affect our son (he is 3yo).


"Your value does not decrease based upon someone's inability to see your worth."
 

July 11, 2020 5:49 pm  #2


Re: Does the pain go away?

Hi LostIdentity,

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have to belong to the club which no one wants to be a member of. I know firsthand, as all of us here know,  how painful this betrayal is.

If you haven't already, please read the first aid kit on how to survive discovering your partner is LGBT
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

That was typical in my marriage - the manipulating and gaslighting. I didn't find much concrete proof. If was the total lack of sexual interest in me. I questioned and questioned. I hit the wall of denial many times.

Your husband may never admit it. It sounds like he wants to stay in the marriage. He realizes admitting it will spark a separation and risks spreading his secret far and wide. He cheated on you multiple times. All this would make any spouse livid.

I didn't have children. However, I do know that children can sense when parents are unhappy. It bothers them. It leads them to blame themselves. Leaving your unhappy marriage will help your son as much as it will help you.

You will also have a chance to remarry a man who does not cheat, is straight and is a loving, truthful step parent to him.

I hope you reach out to a friend, a counselor, etc., to tell them about this. It helps to have all the support you can.

Please post here as often as you wish. We've been in your same spot. We have gotten through it and become happier, stronger people. Take care.

Last edited by MJM017 (July 11, 2020 5:56 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 11, 2020 6:40 pm  #3


Re: Does the pain go away?

LostIdentity wrote:

Hi All,

New in this forum. Welcome to our Forum Lost

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years. I've been with my partner going on 36 years

Recently found some messages from other men, with whom he has clearly had some sexual encounters. Yes several men.
A few years back I had found some messages and emails, and confronted him about. He denied everything. He then said he met up with one guy to smoke weed. Nothing sexual. I brushed it off, because I wanted to believe it, I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

When I found the messages recently, I kept digging. Found him on a sex "dating" website and in his profile he labeled himself as bisexual. I have known my partner is bisexual for 20 years and was accepting of it til it started to interfere with the way I felt about myself and him. Also his intent seemed to clearly become something totally different to how he initially portrayed it. I was naive too.

I tried to confront him about it and once again he denies everything. Keeps saying he has never had an affair. He wont tell me why he is on the website. And then twisted the whole conversation to make me feel guilty, when he is the one doing wrong. These men don't like confrontation, mine used to belittle me when I asked questions. If you bear this in mind when you confront him....just continue stacking up his denial against your questions, and be clear, with yourself, about the questions and proof that you have. Keep note of all interactions, it'll help you sort it out later

When I look back now, his interest in men, make some things make sense. We have never had a great sex life, I always thought maybe ED , since he is 15 years older than me. And has always said I never initiate, when I do and he finds some excuse not to. And has many times suggested we have anal, I was never into that so always said no.

I feel so much betrayal and anger. I feel like I have been living a lie. Find somebody to confide in, who will keep your confidence. You need to not keep this to yourself

Will he ever admit? I feel like I need that to find closure This is a secret of his. If you have definite proof already does he really have to admit it? Why give him the opportunity to simply tell you more lies....

Does this pain ever go away? eventually the pain turns into a strength I find myself crying a lot and shaking Yes we know all about the crying I thought mine would never stop. But it did

I want to leave him, but I am afraid and worried how this will affect our son (he is 3yo)
This is why it's SO important to confide in a doctor, counselor, good friend or family. Think more about how it will affect your son to have a mother who's heartbroken .

We're all here for you

Elle

 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 11, 2020 6:47 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 12, 2020 8:09 am  #4


Re: Does the pain go away?

MJM, Elle- thank you both for your messages.

I wish so badly that I didnt have to belong to this group.

Makes it hard that my husband does not admit it and that I found all that because I had this feeling something wasnt right.

I know I deserve better and keep telling myself that, to allow me to move forward. This is hard.

I havent found the courage to confide in friend. My best friend knows my husband has cheated, just havent found the guts to tell the whole truth.

I come from a very religious/conservative culture and family. Divorce is looked down on and not very lgbt friendly/acceptance.


"Your value does not decrease based upon someone's inability to see your worth."
     Thread Starter
 

July 12, 2020 9:48 am  #5


Re: Does the pain go away?

Your say your community is against divorce and doesn't accept homosexuality.  Does it also believe that homosexuality is "a choice" and push for "gay conversion"?  I ask because if that's so, opening up to them might subject you to pressure to stay as a means to help "convert" him.  
For this and other reasons, I hope you will find your way to a therapist who has experience in trauma.  You need someone 100% in your corner, who has no agenda other than helping you sort out your own feelings and helping you to move forward in the direction in which you decide to go.

 Also, as your spouse cheated, I suggest you visit ChumpLady.com   She's no nonsense and I learned a lot from her about personality disorders and the ways our spouses attempt to manipulate and guilt us.

 

July 12, 2020 10:36 am  #6


Re: Does the pain go away?

Outhiscloset- not my community. I did not grow up in the US. I grew up in hispanic culture, were many of these topics are even more difficult to discuss. I know my parents and siblings will always be on my court. It just hard to share this pain with others


"Your value does not decrease based upon someone's inability to see your worth."
     Thread Starter
 

October 18, 2020 4:07 pm  #7


Re: Does the pain go away?

It sounds like you're feeling out of control. You don't know what to do. Maybe, whilst you're deciding, you should take baby steps. Start going out more and creating a support network. it will make you feel like you're taking back control by becoming less dependant on him. Think of it as an empowing excercise. 

Last edited by ExBeard (October 20, 2020 5:07 pm)

 

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