Though I have written about this before, I know in general it requires being a little more specific. So I tried to write about some thoughts I had.
 
The most critical part to a successful monogamous MOM is to fully accepting each other. This seems a simple and basic certainty. Often this is only interpreted as the task to accept the gay sexuality. But this is clearly not accepting each other, for it is limited to accepting one (gay) and not the other (straight).
 
Approaches I often encounter:
Gay spouse: If I choose a MOM then I miss that part of myself in my sexuality that I need to really be who I am. As a result, there always remains a no man's land, emptiness, an unfulfilled desire, and cannot fully give myself to my partner.  Being intimate, answering to the sexual feelings of my partner feels so contradictory, because what I would like to feel and experience is not what I really am, desire or find myself in. It doesn't feel complete and not authentic. I feel like a lie to my partner. My sexuality and feeling are in that regard incompatible with my partner.
 
Straight spouse:  When I choose a MOM I know in my heart that my partner longs for something else, something that I am not and can not give. In other words, I am not enough. I don't feel known in who I am. In fact… I feel rejected, unattractive and unloved.
At the same time, there is always that confrontation, as a conflict within myself, with a mire of thoughts that I am denying my partner something that he / she is entitled to and should actually experience in order to involve and get to who my partner is. Because that's who he/she is and can't help it. I am very sorry that I am not and cannot be this for my partner.
 
Both are empty-handed and in lack of who they both want to be.
Both are left with a desire that remains unfulfilled.
Often times this mutual shortage makes the irreconcilable barrier to be (really) intimate and to enjoy sexuality together.
How will this ever align with fully accepting each other?
 
Even for those around who aren’t in a MOM, it is a difficult dilemma. People who try to be supportive but never actually dealt with LGB feelings this close to home in any what so ever way but still have an opinion about homosexuality. They imagine a MOM does not have a solid ground for both, they assume it’s about denying ones feelings.
 
But what if… fully accepting each other in who you are actually means something different?
Something that goes beyond your own individual sense of deficiency, needs and desire in being and acceptance. In my opinion this acceptance can be divided in two different aspects which apply to both spouses equally:  

• to feel fully accepted as you are, and
• the deeply felt conviction to strive towards acceptance of the partner in that same level.

Meaning: the very starting point of acceptance is: to value the other just as highly as yourself.
 
The emotional life, intimacy and sexuality of my spouse is equally important as mine ... consequently it’s my innermost intention and responsibility to uphold also.
In doing so, I find consistency in these two aspects of acceptance, and this enables me to act accordingly. I love my spouse for who he is in totality, and for that reason I also want to give myself because he also looks for this in me”.
 
That does not mean I put myself aside and ignore myself. But correspondingly don’t want to hold on to an inner longing, which only focus is dealing with own (sexual) need. For that would imply love, obligation and commitment don’t go much further than own importance.
 
For both the straight and the gay these are logical values ​​that (should) aim to merge.
That is love and acceptance that doesn’t divide, that has his/her eye out for the partner in the marriage, sincerely gives and receives.
Is that an unrealistic utopia? Certainly not!
Because it’s a choice you can freely and willingly make if you want to be and remain faithful to each other in a monogamous MOM.
 
How to begin.

Be faithful to the promise you made to your partner and to hold on to this one and only basic principle of your marriage and not deviate from it. Even if a different sexual preference becomes part of this relationship.
 
After establishing to continue together or to make the choice to divorce. If one is unable or unwilling to be committed to a monogamous marriage, it ends there. Which is certainly an alternative to consider. There is nothing wrong with that either! It is absolutely difficult and sad for both but it’s an honest clarity.
Marriage is not a prison of being a will-less victim of your feelings, or being a victim of the missing feelings of the other.
 
You don't have to sit behind bars and spend your life muddling through, violating your self-worth, and wasting years.
You do not want to have those daunting bars and walls that you are imposing on yourself or on your partner, which would slowly destroy a marriage or yourself. Not even from the most beautiful and pious religious intentions. Marriage isn’t a formal institution of pity  and self-destruction.
 
Remarkable isn't it… that this love is far more a part of fully accepting yourself and being whole. It’s the most stunning step that goes beyond restrictions to freedom of choice to be who you really want to be and what you believe.
 
Well ... acceptance is key, but how do you implement that? ...
 
So, accept each other completely, holds that it’s important to know what you both choose. Going for a MOM means: your spouse and your marriage.
SO you do NOT go on alone, or each of you goes his or her separate way, but you both engage a MOM!
This implies that the choice to accept your sexual preference does not take precedence. Mind you… I do not say ignore or cover up. BUT that the center of gravity lies elsewhere.
Giving shape to what the choice “going on and continue together” entails:
What your spouse means to you.
What is the value you seek to find in knowing and participate in the inner significance and being of your spouse, and I can not emphasize this enough, this applies to both partners!
 
I.e. : If my sexual orientation does not primarily(=only) represent my entire identity, then... it should not be the core of my marriage.
If my sexual orientation isn't the only element of my identity, then... it isn't the only component that should receive preferential treatment in my marriage.
If my sexuality is important, then... it is equally the case for my partner’s sexuality.
That means, while keeping  the above in mind (and yes… it also takes time and inventiveness and a lot of honest and open talking together), everything is striving to find, not to only give shape to this, but also to get to know your partner as deeply as possible. No secrets. No open ends...from a full conviction that your spouse is equally loved and valued as yourself wants and needs to be.
This defining mindset is placed in your own hand.
 
The choice and freedom to want to fully accept, love and touch someone comes not just from a feeling but from your will because it expresses what you want in heart and mind.
The choice and freedom to invest in your marriage and to want to go for it is not defined by your impossibilities or feelings of missing out, but by your willingness and consideration to follow through on your promise to move forward together.
That choice and that freedom is not limiting, but rather gives room not to close yourself off from your spouse. It does not stuff everything down from a deep down feeling “I must” (denotation: I do not want), or “I need” (denotation: what I have does not gratify) or “I am” (denotation: In essence I so not want to do this).
It implies turning your back to a (traditional, cultural) thinking pattern that states you cannot do otherwise. Where it’s mandatory one has to live out sexual desire in order to be authentic. In essence you can’t master your feelings and don’t have a choice. Feelings rule what you do! Your sexual (preferences) determine what you do, are and how to live.
NO WAY!
No, it’s your heart, your mind, it’s from your standards, values and consideration that determine which way you want to go and what you yourself want to belief.
It is nonsense to let freedom of choice be taken away from you.
Feelings are a consequence. They follow your deliberate taken conviction from own choice and the freedom you find therein to give priority to what you decide and to organize your life accordingly.
As a result actual inner peace and joy is found in what you have, and not in what you don't have. Which means consciously and confidently, going with passion for what you have chosen.
 
For me that means: The whole world can say, "yes, but you are gay ...". Well, let them! And Yes I am….
But the whole world cannot tell me what I should do with that sexual preference.
From my sexual preference I undoubtedly have the option to choose not to want to be intimate with my husband or even feel not to be able to touch him.
But if that is true, I can just as well make a considered decision to love, touch and want to feel my husband and make him my priority. My interior is mine. My choice is mine. My will is mine. I can determine what is important to me.
Not from I MUST but from I WANT. That is what I believe and hold important. My values, standards and identity. Because that's who I am and want to be.
Because all the other elements in me that are the full description of my identity, which are far more than just my sexuality, say to me: “He is the most significant person in my life, I belong to him. I want to be with him.” And if I think my spouse is important, it takes no effort to give him that love and that space. It provides the connection which enables me to make that crossing and give substance to fulfillment of what and who I want to be. After a while I noticed I changed and started to not only enjoy without reservation but even longed to give myself without hesitation. I could open up more and more and it felt right and true. This wholeness and unity was what I had been searching for all my life, everything came together. I knew I accepted my husband in my inner feelings and it felt complete. I/we felt we were being drawn towards each other which made sexual attraction spark and for the first time it felt like something I had felt never before. And it felt awesome.
I think a major element I became aware of is being grateful and recognize to the full who my partner was and what he gave me. When I realized that fact… Wow, that was a whole new road we went on…
There was a time I would define my spouse as my soulmate. Rarely in conflict but struggling through a whole bunch of troublesome feelings which we both had but rarely talked about. Thinking we’d love and did not hurt each other. But I know now I did. AND I know now that my husband is not my ‘soulmate’ but my deepest desire and an obligation to let him be the center of my identity, for we are one. If I hurt him I hurt myself.     
 
Like I previously underlined it involves both. Obviously and significantly my husband had to go through the same issues to consider and clarify a great deal for himself too. That meant letting go of certain issues that he as a straight man needed to overcome.
Accept and believe again. Believing me, and in me:

• Not giving in to a negative feeling like not being enough for me, but should accept to be loved to the core of who he is.
• Letting go of the fear, like he kept me from being who I actually would have wanted to be. As if he denied me my true self.

By doing this accepting me not just as a lesbian but as the complete person I am…and have confidence in that choice. The felt need to talk about things to the deepest level of what that meant for me, the sensation of how it made me feel. As well as the deepest level of what it meant for him, what he wanted to be for me. This was no overnight talk and move on…this took time, will, honesty, and repeated acknowledgement (also through physical/sexual communication).
For both of us revealing and setting our emotions and minds in the right direction as we set our goal to seek and acknowledge and express who we are within the boundaries we feel comfortable by. Gradually thrashing the wall that was between us.
 
Acceptance is far more than just merge gay feelings into marriage and controlling them. It's of poor quality to let a single aspect define and control my whole being and by doing so limiting who I am completely. 
Not long ago someone wrote: “nobody can take your inner life or responses from you.”
Why would you give ‘nobody’ more power?
Think independent and develop your mental liberty so that you remain free.

Dutchman wrote:

I
think the "First aid kit" should be about stories of couples that made it. ........]Having some examples, is a very important thing. That's "the first aid"

I disagree. Any First Aid Kit should be focused solely on the straightspouse not the straightspouse and the person who has totally upended the r'ship because that's like saying "yes it is going to be okay, you simply have to go through all "this"... the
discovery, anger, angst, confusion, sadness and finally acceptance..... before you get there. We do all that, go through some, most or all of that anyway and many couples don't make it so I think giving positive examples in the first instance gives an unrealistic view of their situation.

Elle

Dutchman wrote:

First of all, there are ample stories on this form/website that make very clear that it doesn't always work out........ 

 

I agree there are many accounts of r'ships not working out. But nowhere in the first aid kit does it say it won't. Nor does it say it will. 
By it's very title First Aid Kit...it's the place that should be entirely focused on the straightspouse because that is who this website represents.
The MOM board started because as a straightspouse it was me who needed a place to discover where I belonged in the Mindfuck. Not my partner. Me. 
Stories about success may be comforting to some but as a first encounter in the confusion and heartache of the earth tilt when your whole world is spinning.....the straightspouse needs facts, not fairytales.

''Happy ever after''s should be in the content of the board.....but should stay out of the introduction to it

Elle

Edited to say....to be clear I don't even believe this boards warrants a First Aid Kit. I think to do so would be a seperation of who we are as a Forum

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 30, 2022 2:03 pm)

Thank you Gloria! It's important to note the plural "persons" in your post, for the will and effort has to come from both spouses, the straight and gay alike. Each with his/hers own set of problems and difficulties to overcome while going for the goal you've set together.
That said, when it's worked through and out, it becomes easy. So it's not a life long struggle (and if it still feels that way, one hasn't solved the key issues yet). I think you should come to a place where all is okay and settled, and both just enjoy each other and the relation you have together. (with the odd twist of the different sexual orientation that's there, but who cares...).
Well the usual issues that can arise in a relation will be there, but not things that has specificaly to do with being in a MOM. Moreover, because the way up there was that demanding, lessons are learned to communicate, express feelings and solve problems together.  
It's not like we burried the topic or like it's a taboo. Quite the oposite, we regulary talk with each other about sexuality issues, how we think and feel personally, but also how it's handled in society. 

With "who cares..." I mean it's of no concern to us anymore, in other words: it has become like a non-issue in our relation.
Obviously when my wife discovered she was lesbian 17 years ago, this was quite different. It was a struggle while we sought our path through it. But I want to make clear that when it's really worked through (not superficial, or with loose ends) the "struggling" is over and something of the passed. 

During the last 17 years, we sometimes came to a situation where we thought "okay, it's fairly good now, we can sustain it like this". Nevertheless, there were still important things lacking. But since we didn't know what the ultimate situation could/would be, we tried to be satisfied with it as good as we could.
Sooner or later the "symptom of struggle" would return, and that made clear we still had matters to solve. It's like the will is there, but emotions/feelings are telling us things aren't yet what it should be.

In a way feelings never lie, but also: feelings shouldn't be the base for choices. Our choices are determined by our will, and feelings are a result that function as an indicator how honest (to ourselves) our choices are.
So while we learned what our choices should be, positive feelings followed and acknowledged us. Sexuality is not different. That too was a consequence that changed and followed the choices we made.
It's not about wanting to change sexual orientation or somehow "choosing straight feelings". One can't choose feelings, like I said, feelings are a consequence, like a by-product that just happen. 
The origin is choice, meaning: deciding and following up to what you really want, with whole heart and mind. Then later feelings will follow up and tell: "this is great!", happy feeling, fulfillment, connection. That is the experienced sexual dynamic.

Even when a concept like "Sexual orientation" also exists. For me as straight spouse as well, the fact I'm married and choose for one woman, doesn't mean I don't see the attractiveness of other women (I won't act on it, but that is something different).
But although all these attractive women exist, this doesn't diminish nor change my love and appreciation of my wife. For she is my choice, she is who I want. 

I think this path is possible when people honestly wants to. When both spouses get it, and find their way together and towards each other. It results in the "gay + 1", so the sexual orientation maybe gay, but there is this "one special person of the opposite sex". And this one is all that it takes to have a MOM
Well, I know I am the "+1" but this doesn't feel wrong or wobbly. For we talked a lot and openly, there is solid trust between us (not just proven by words, but acts and general way of conduct as well). So yes, my wife is lesbian, but who cares? (I don't!)

One remark: the "open relation" solution is very different. For I don't think it results in the "+1" like I wrote above. Hopefully my description makes this clear or at least hints to that. For I think choosing for an open relation shuts the door to this way. Of course people should decide for themselves what they want, and there are several ways to implement a MOM. But the monogamous route is inherently different than open relation ways.


Then there are unhealthy Moms's, where denial, personality disorders, lying and cheating rule the day. Where it's probably best to divorce. However, it's often not immediately that clear if a relation is really unhealthy and beyond repair. People are not perfect, they make mistakes, even good people screw up sometimes. There is this intermediate situation where it has to become clear what it really is about.
Is it a no good person and it's better to divorce, or is it our western culture that sends people into troubles? Things like: follow your feelings and act on them, (ie. don't think about right or wrong and choices, just act on basic instincts). This is promoted as the highest good and being authentic, while it's just nonsense of course.
It's not only MOM's that get into that trouble, but straight marriages as well. (MOM's failure rate is high, but offset it with straight marriages failure rates). A lot of what we've gone through in our MOM is very much applicable to straight marriage.

Divorce is not a taboo or no-go to us (you reference us being religious, and is that what you think?). I do think a couple has to really do their utmost best and commit to save their marriage, otherwise vows are meaningless. But when it's clear one (or both) doesn't willingly want to continue the marriage, divorce is the way to go. In all that I wrote before, I hope it's clear that it's about choices, things you willingly choose for, because you want it. Maybe not feeling it at the moment, but that's different.
For us our faith is a base for inspiration to go for what's good and right, not a set of commandments one has to suffer through. We are and feel free, and it causes us to think about what we do best with this freedom we're in.