Yes, I would say that my family is sympathetic. They know that I am going through a lot right now. I have one sister that is more understanding than my Mom and other sister. The other sister wants me to be more sympathetic and try harder with my husband. I can't do that because I am the only one who has put forth any effort in 20 years and Im emotionally tapped out. The understanding sister believes that I have found convincing evidence that my husband might be gay. I think my Mom doesn’t want to think about that possibility, because this is the father of her grandchildren. Everyone wants the marriage to continue but would support me if a divorce occurred. 

It's interesting that you and your ex stopped having sex in your 40's. I'm 44 and he is 3 years older than me. I am sure that my husband has not talked to my family about anything.

You make a good point about denial.

You are right about our reality being denied being distressing. I came home from the grocery store, and one of the first things that my husband said to me when I got home was, “Guess what? I got a package from Steve!” Steve is his gay friend who I have referenced in these posts before. The one that he FaceTimed a few weeks back. I feel like he rushes to tell me these things, like when he told me he was going to FaceTime him, because he believes that if he tells me everything then he’s not hiding anything. Then I know everything, and can’t accuse him of anything. He received a book from “Steve” and my husband has been reading it all morning. He has also been in a really good mood today. I encourage his relationship with Steve and I feigned excitement over him receiving a book from him because I need this to happen. I’ve lived most of my life with my husband and feeling ignored and devalued and not cherished. I’m honestly empty. Drained. I want his relationship with Steve to progress because I want more proof or because I want my husband to come out to me, so that I can move on with the rest of my life. I know that if I were to try to move on with my life now, that I would be considered the “bad guy” because I don’t have concrete evidence that they are more than friends. My husband would just accuse me and say that he was honest with me about everything. I pray every day because I don’t know what else to do.

Yes, it’s like Waiting for Godot.

Am guessing Steve is the latest in a long line of male sex partners whom he has successfully hidden from you.  Am guessing he has a circle of gay friends he gushes to in person about new crushes. They’re not around now. That’s your role in quarantine. 

Leaving him without proof may be like tearing off  a bandaid that’s stuck to a wound - it hurts like h3ll to disappoint your kids, your family doesn’t understand, your husband will love bomb you while putting you down for wrecking the family, your husband will probably slander you to anyone who will listen, among other painful things. You should gauge your mental strength to see if you can withstand the emotional abuse on steroids.

However, leaving is doable if you prepare yourself psychologically & financially.  Financials are extremely important during this time; protect yourself so he doesn’t steal your money & sabotage your future. You can give yourself a year or two. I would keep these plans secret if you intend to go this route.

I am sorry to see you suffering. You deserve better. This guy is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I would not trust him for one more second.

MJM017 and OOHC
Thank you for your thoughts. I am currently the only one working full time so financially I can support myself. Im just in a complete state of confusion right now. Maybe I don't belong on this board. I don't think my husband has had sex with men but maybe I just don't want to think about it. Or maybe he hasn't had sex with men but is still confused about his sexuality. Maybe it is me. Maybe I have issues. I am unwell right now.

Karis,
    Most of us are completely bamboozled by the kinds of the mental gymnastics employed by a closeted person in denial, and we are undermined by the resultant verbal attacks that come when the person feels as if his beard is in danger of uncovering the truth--and making him face the truth about himself.   They are masters at sowing confusion in us, and they know exactly what buttons to push.  When I finally began to see through my husband's tactics, I used to find myself thinking "Your Jedi mind tricks don't work on me any more."  If you think of what your husband is doing as muddying the waters and distracting you from the real issue--his increasingly obvious fixation on Steve and their online dalliance--it might be easier for you not to engage, which only throws you for a loop and makes you doubt your perception and sanity, and makes you think you are in the wrong.  
   
 
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 26, 2020 12:23 pm)