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February 24, 2020 2:12 pm  #11


Re: "It's too late"

Rob wrote:

.....Stand your ground, reach out to your family. Know that this is not something you created..

It's not really the reaching out to my family that's the issue. Well....yes, it is I suppose but I've not mentioned it to our son & daughter for a while (and they no doubt think everything's fine) and I want to wait til I have all my ducks in a row so to speak before I tell them.

My daughter sent me a picture of the wedding gown she's chosen and I just cried and cried. I know this is MY life, MY choices but I wish to get my timing right so to cause the least upset....for everybody else
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 25, 2020 10:48 am  #12


Re: "It's too late"

Dear Ellexoh
I have not posted for a long time, but still come to the site now and then to see how everyone is doing. I have followed you for years and have admired your tenacity and independence and obvious commitment to your marriage. I have wondered if at some point you would arrive at the place you are now. My heart is absolutely breaking for you, because it reminds me of the hell we go through. From discovery, not wanting to believe it, trying to understand and not able to, wondering how this person you trusted with your soul could hide this, trying to make it work somehow and then slowly realizing you were the only one present in the marriage and the trust will NEVER come back. How it devastates you as a woman and plays with your mind over and over again. How you believed after decades of living with and learning how to interact with each other to come to a place of easy comfort and that feeling of "We made it" and your reward is to have that person by your side in old age to reminisce with, to laugh with and to hold your hand. And then you really really look them in the eye and see absolutely NOTHING that resembles love or compassion. Only selfishness, no remorse and a cold-hearted bastard. It is so fucking hard. But you start to move and begin making decisions for yourself, something that is so foreign to people like us because we've always done our lives for our partners and families. It goes against everything we are used to and know. Something is driving us and I have come to believe it was my innermost self that knew before I did that if I didn't save myself-I would be of no use to the ones who really truly loved me for me. My kids, my siblings, my grandkids and my 2 lifelong loyal friends and most of all myself.
   We all do this nightmare differently. I want you to know that I understand. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will be okay. I want to let you know that I understand not wanting to disrupt others, but there will never be a "good" time. The " best" time is when YOU are ready. All my very best heartfelt wishes to you.
Paula

 

February 25, 2020 12:58 pm  #13


Re: "It's too late"

Paula wrote:

..... I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will be okay. ....

 

Thanks Paula, an Ehug is appreciated One of the hardest parts of the Mindfuck is my remoteness from anybody else going through the Storm. While I have a small group of friends& family who know how my life is now....I'd give my most treasured possession for the chance to sit down face to face with another straightspouse. New Zealand is a small country, and I can't be the only one here but often I feel like I am

Thanks again for your message
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

February 26, 2020 9:39 am  #14


Re: "It's too late"

Ellexoh, I haven't been checking in recently, and only now I'm catching up.  I'm so, so sorry for everything you've been going through.  

You posted something upthread that reminded me of another stupid pointless argument I had with the brick wall of denial that is my husband.

At some point, I'd asked him what he thinks I get turned on by sexually.  After all, I'm 63 and my first date with him was my 30th birthday, so I've been faithful to him for more than half my life, so he should have some clue about what I enjoy in bed.  I said, "What would you do to get me in the mood?"  He stood there, stupefied, and acknowledged that he had no clue.  And that just says it all.  I could easily tell you what I would do, back when we actually had a sex life, if I wanted to get him in the mood.  But he has never once in over three decades, given a moment's thought to what I might want.

This was back when he was trying to manipulate the discussion, of course, so he could keep his cushy little fake marriage and his fun life on the side.  So, at the time he was trying to reassure me that I"m still beautiful, that I'm lovable.

But that's simply not the case.  I'm old, flabby, and unfuckable.  So is he, but since only one of us is female, only one of us is pathetic and unwanted.  

I point this out not to fish for compliments, but to get this much across: to everything, there is a season.  Right?  A time to reap, a time to sow.  Well, in our lives, we fall in love when we're young and attractive, and then when we're old and disgusting and unfuckable, the person who fell in love with us still sees us the way we used to be, because when a man falls in love for real, he will always see the young beautiful face of the woman he loves, no matter how old you become.  So if you're robbed of love when you're young and beautiful, you've lost the opportunity to "sow" when the season was "a time to sow".  That means there's nothing left to "reap" when it becomes "time to reap."

Wow, that didn't exactly come out cheerful or helpful, did it?  But that's what my husband doesn't understand about what he deprived me of.  He just thinks of sex as a commodity.  Three decades of living in the underworld subculture of the prostitution industry will twist you that way.  All human intimacy becomes transactional.

 

February 26, 2020 11:03 am  #15


Re: "It's too late"

For what it’s worth, coming from a stranger/online traveler, fellow hetero female, walkbymyself, I think your perceptiveness and intellect make you eminently f-able regardless of your physical countenance, if you so desire.
Your emotional assessment really resonates with me and captures much of what I am afraid to say or admit to myself - but when I read your narrative, I think - “what a perceptive, smart, strong and interesting woman.”  That is just inherently attractive. 👍🏻🙌🏻

 

February 26, 2020 11:04 am  #16


Re: "It's too late"

.

Last edited by MomOfFour (February 26, 2020 11:05 am)

 

February 26, 2020 1:43 pm  #17


Re: "It's too late"

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

.......my family doesn't realise how important my connection with them is, and my fear of being alone, but I can't tell them because if I do this will all come out into the open and I'm not ready for that finality yet. .......

 

Message from my younger son "do you want me to come down to {my city}..?" His earlier message of "I'll always be there for you" makes a little more sense now  I had this deep ache in my stomach so I rang and asked him why. He said my oldest daughter had rung both him & my youngest daughter and I'm not sure how much they were told but I guess this is another step. 

 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

February 27, 2020 9:21 am  #18


Re: "It's too late"

Momof4:  I wasn't fishing for compliments ... but I'll take it anyhow!  Thanks.

 

February 27, 2020 5:14 pm  #19


Re: "It's too late"

Ellexoh, Your children are there for you. I am very glad for that. Yay!  If you already haven’t listened,  the podcasts here on SSN have helped me to cope/feel less alone. Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous have online meetings.  I‘m not qualified to be in either group.  I do find the concerns of attendees to be similar - how do I deal with an unreasonable person or situation and thrive.

walk, You have what it takes to attract supportive and kind straight gentlemen - honesty, gentleness, good sense of humor,  good looks, great friend. That’s what draws people together and keeps them together happily! 🤩♥️

Last edited by MJM017 (February 27, 2020 5:16 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 27, 2020 7:59 pm  #20


Re: "It's too late"

Walk, all,

I'll hand out compliments too. 

I once said Id go out with any woman on this board, sight unseen.
All of you have more morals, empathy and quality than my GX.

Middle aged now I value those qualities in a woman more than any looks. I fear my GX and if she was a super model would still run far away. 

I can assure you men ,at least the good ones, value much more than weight and looks.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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