OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Rob
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
This reply is to JoeC,
Don't feel bad about your friends saying things like "how did you not know".
My GX had everyone duped..I asked college friends and they were shocked as me. BUT they did see the narcissism and when I asked why didn't you tell me they said "would you have listened". I know I wouldn't have so can't fault them. If any knew she was gay they definitely would have told me.
So don't beat myself up for being so trusting ..they really have everyone duped.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Rob
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
For me I would think you could ask something "have you ever watched gay porn". Us straight guys would answer something like "yuck". But people can lie.
For myself it was relative trusting again. My GX was so abnormally mean and cruel..I figured even if I met someone and they turned out to be gay they could never be as cruel as my GX.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- TangledOil
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
My husband is bi, not gay, but even 30 years in there were no indications that he’d have any interest in real life men. He never looks at men like one might think, he certainly never flirts. He’s not touchy-feely with men. He has no lgbtq friends in real life. He leads an exceptionally straight appearing life. I know he’s bi because he told me and I’ve always suspected on some level, but it never had to do with real life interactions. I don’t think you can know with 100% certainly. The largest group in the lgbtq+ community is bisexual, but it might not seem that way because they tend to blend more easily.
Last edited by TangledOil (August 14, 2021 6:01 pm)
- Ordinary guy
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
It is perfectly natural for us as injured people to exhibit and almost rely on the psychological defences of confirmation bias. We learn from our mistakes, and the mind seeks to protect itself from further injury by identifying risks based on our previous experiences. I for one have told my therapist that I cannot envisage a time where I could develop enough trust in an another to let them in to my being on an emotional level. You don’t just “suck this up” and move on with your life believing that in the light of a new day the perfect partner will happen around the corner. I know that I am already deeply distrustful of any woman who expresses even the slightest interest in me. Years of abuse and psychological torment have likely left me with a permanently damaged personality, one that bears no resemblance to the man I used to be. I cling to what I have left, a pastiche of love over a future of emptiness and regret. I hope that there are those who are reading these boards and thusly questioning whether or not they should ignore their instincts and invest themselves in uncertain relationships. If one person is saved from the fate that many of us have shared then maybe some of what I have endured has had a purpose. My first thought is always going to be “is this woman gay?”. And I hate myself for it.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- walkbymyself
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
OG, this is true of me, too. I'm not sure I'm ever going to get past the damage. This is the only place where I feel like I can just talk about it without people being judgmental.
Like Rob says, a lot of people themselves will be stunned, but still make a remark like "how could you not know". I try not to take that personally, but it cuts really deeply, even now after all this time.
I try to turn it around: you have to think about just how exhausting and all-encompassing a job it was for him to keep a fraud going 24/7 for three decades. That took a huge amount of energy, and it's probably why my husband could get so resentful and so sullen and basically hate all my friends or our daughter's friends. He seemed resentful when people would come to the house, and now I just wonder how much of that was because he was just exhausted playing a fake person all the time. So when people raise that question with me -- how could I not know -- I ask them to think about how much work it was for him, always hiding his computer screen from me whenever I walked into the room, or trying to block my view if he had to open the trunk of his car.
- lily
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
there is a sea of bi or lesbian women all around. Really, really there is. And the fact is they are at the top of the line up of women who are looking to date you. They outperform us straights on the dance floor of dating.
a bit of distrust goes a long way. Not a bad thing to have at all.
I will admit it's a bit galling the way straight men sweep straight women to one side as they go for the tantalising bisexual. the thoughts I have on the topic so far are that these women aren't hampered by sexual desire when it comes to men so they have a cool head and can play him. and from the other side, the men distrust themselves. Innately they sense this is not a woman who will make me feel jealous or allow me to get away with treating her bad.
And I think you can reverse the situation for the other side - I remember thinking when I met x that I would be safe with him. He was a few years older than me, but still, I was quite an eyeful and he was easily able to strike up a conversation with me.
re cooking - yes it doesn't seem to care if you are male or female, I heard there are differences in the number of receptors you can have in your skin and on your tongue - some people have ten times more receptors on their tongue than average - so that is extra information to develop the taste with.
- Ordinary guy
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
It is a natural state to be in walkbymyself. It is good that you can use this platform to find the understanding you seek from people who actually “get it”. As far as trusting others and looking forward, I think that we should just acknowledge our feelings as our emotional firewall doing its job. Maybe in time, our firewalls will accept another into our lives.
There is one fundamental reason why we did not see it. We weren’t looking for it.
I have posted before in regard to the similarities between mixed orientation couples and neuro-diverse couples. The masks are worn for different reasons, but the psychological effects are exactly the same. It becomes emotionally exhausting to maintain the false self and the mask will slip more and more as time goes on.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- MJM017
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
Bobsuruncle wrote:
The facts of why you are divorcing/divorced/separated will come up when they are needed... but
Asking if a guy is straight and following with why you must know is a red flag showing a lack of moving on to a good guy and a 'easy in' to a shi**y guy. Remember, regardless of sexual preference, people can be shi**y, guarding the information until they've earned the right to know is NOT hiding in someone's closet, it's protection from vultures too...)
These are quite good suggestions. No one wants to go from the fire into the frying pan.
After dating someone for a few months I would ask if they were polyamorous or bisexual. I'd want to know. There's no need to bring up your past since these are in vogue practices these days.
Last edited by MJM017 (August 17, 2021 8:11 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Soaplife
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
Ugh the very thought of dating gives me the heebie-heebies! For me its one and done.
Happy to be free, healthy, financially secure, close with my kids, a few good friends I can count on. Travel again when I can.
I like being free. I don't need or want the uncomfortable variables of dating in my life. *shudder*
- TangledOil
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Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!
I knew several married men in real life who I had no doubt were 100% gay. I never told the wives … one wife ended up telling me a few years later that he was gay and he basically ran off and abandoned the family. So far only one of the two have proved to be true. I’m still waiting on the second one, but I sure hope I’m wrong.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (August 17, 2021 8:50 pm)