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November 29, 2019 11:29 pm  #1

Am I crazy?

So here is my story. I’m a straight women, Married 2 years, with my husband for seven years and very much in love with my him until about three days ago. 
A few months ago I started to have a little bit of suspension that my husband was doing something behind my back. I wasn’t sure what it was and could never put my finger on it. I checked his phone and emails but found nothing so I blamed it on my own paranoia and backed off. The other night he was home and I was down my moms help preparing for thanksgiving.  We had talked earlier and said our I love you for the night. Later on I had this gut feeling something was wrong and sent him a text. Nothing in response.  Sent absorber and another and another but he didn’t respond. Than I called. When he didn’t answer I jumped in my care and I went back up my house in hopes I again was paranoid and he was sound asleep.  We live in a small town so I started driving up and down the streets looking for a needle in a haystack. I felt like I was going crazy being so paranoid but I just, I don’t know something was off. Well if it not for a guardian angel, pure luck or just the universe sending me the right direction I found his car.  It was wedged in between what looked like two abandoned cars in a very large parking lot. It looked purposely hidden and I would have missed it had it not been for this small little dent he never fixed.   
At this point I thought. Ok. I found his car, now what. I thought is he with some girl in one of these cars?!?!  And so I started shining my lights on them to look for steam on the windows. I found nothing in the cars  So I waited. And waited. And waited. And than, from the corner of my eye he walks around the corner as if he was walking out of the bank or something.  I roll down my window and ask him “where are you coming from?” He said let’s go home I don’t want to have this conversation here. So I did.
When we got home  He said “I was jerking off with a man I met on Adam 4 Adam. I said “what the heck is Adam 4 Adam.”  He showed me the website on his phone and I’m not sure if I didn’t want to believe it or it didn’t register or I was in complete shock but I told him I didn’t believe him and stop lying to me. (I still thought he was a girl, now I wish he was).  He than went on and said “look, I still have lub on my hand.”  “I met a man because I have needs to be met and since we didn’t have sex in 3 weeks I needed to do this.”  I said “so let me get this just cheated on me with man?”  He said “I didn’t cheat on you.  I thought if I met with a women to have my needs met it would be cheating but not with another guy.”  I asked him how long has he been on his dating site and he said, “not that long only a few months.”  Of course after that I cried. And than left in shock. Disbelief. And the world as I knew it became a big blur. Since than I can’t keep food down, I’m in a fog at work, the world just seems different as if someone died. 

He has been contacting me and his stance on all this is that he thinks it’s funny. He is embarrassed and wants to save our marriage. He is trying to convince me he is not gay or bisexual and he only did it this one time. I don’t believe him however I must admit there is a small part that really really wants to. 
I feel like I’m going crazy as he seem this whole thing is a big misconception and I am making a big deal out of nothing.  He even said he chose a guy because “no harm no fowl.”   
Guys, I think already know your answer and maybe just looking for affirmation but for my own sanity.  As I try to wrap my head around all this can you tell me if straight men go on gay dating sites for months, meet up with a gay man, mastrubate with them and be straight?  I’m a vanilla kinda sex person so this whole other dark world of same sex/bi sex who knows what sex is not something I am educated. Also, he is admitting to this one and only time.  He said “first time I swear on my nieces  life I never met up with someone until that night.”  And he has only been on the site for two months. Something tells me it’s been a lot longer than that.
I’m questioning my own sanity, my self worth, my judgement.  How could I have missed this for seven years.  Is my husband a master manipulator and I didn’t see this?  I question my entire reality.

Any insight, advice, thoughts are greatly appreciated as I am ready to loose my mind.

Last edited by Mam7172 (November 30, 2019 7:05 am)


November 30, 2019 12:10 am  #2

Re: Am I crazy?

Hi Mam,  I'm new to this and trying to wrap my head around things myself.  I am glad you found this site, as I found it very helpful.  Someone told me they found men were either straight or not.  Made sense to me.
I know the pain you are in and want you to know you are not alone.  Seek out someone to talk with ASAP. It helps sort things out.
No, straight men, do not do those things.



November 30, 2019 6:48 am  #3

Re: Am I crazy?

Welcome to the forum that no one wants to join. Pat yourself on the back because you discovered his secret now and not when you are further into your marriage and with children. What he is doing is risky for all sorts of reasons: you might have found out later when a police officer came to your door to tell you he'd been killed.

I suggest that you talk to an attorney ASAP on what you need to do to end this marriage. If you have family who will be supportive tell them why. You have your whole life ahead of you: don't let anyone talk you into staying with him.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

November 30, 2019 7:16 am  #4

Re: Am I crazy?

Thank you Cali and Abby for your reply. This is so hard to wrap my head around and think clearly. Part of me wants to hate him. Part of me has compassion but mostly I’m in self preservation mode and looking for honest answers I don’t seem to be getting from him. I have reached out to my brother and sister in law and they are in shock as well and encouraged me to get out. Seek counseling and online resources.
And this whole thing to understand has two completely separate layers with the first of infidelity and the second that he is possibly gay. 
He asked me for my word that I didn’t share this with anyone because he is “embarrassed” but I am having a hard time feeling sorry for him. Part of me wants to tell the entire community and let the chips fall where they may. He can’t unring the bell.

     Thread Starter

November 30, 2019 8:09 am  #5

Re: Am I crazy?

I suggest that you keep your powder dry and not tell many people now, especially those who will spread the news. He likely will be much easier to get free of if he sees it as preserving his secret. Consider it  leverage that you may need.



Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

November 30, 2019 9:02 am  #6

Re: Am I crazy?

Thank you Abby. I will most definitely keep it in my back pocket. For now.  or at least until I sort through it and make some sense of it in my own head.

     Thread Starter

November 30, 2019 9:07 am  #7

Re: Am I crazy?

Any man who when caught cheating on his wife with another man says, "it's because we didn't have sex for three weeks" is engaging in the tactic called "DARVO" (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) because he's been caught and doesn't want to suffer the consequences for his act.  
Now that you've found him out, he's likely to also engage in other such tactics, like gaslighting ("who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?"), or the narcissist's trifecta of rage, charm, and pity.
Watch for these tactics.  See them for what they are.  Otherwise you will get the wool further pulled over your head and get drawn in to years of being jerked around and made to feel as if you're the problem. 


November 30, 2019 1:31 pm  #8

Re: Am I crazy?

God, I’m so sorry. How horrific —catching him just after the act. Trust your gut. Keep your distance if you can. (And be prepared for the “love bombing.”) This probably wasn’t the first time, and it likely won’t be the last. He’ll just get better at covering up his tracks. Straight men don’t jerk off or have sex with other men in the bushes.

Talk to someone if you can (either a friend or family member or counselor)...We all understand how incredibly isolating and confusing (and incredibly painful!) this situation is. Most of all, take care of yourself. He is not worthy of your compassion.

Hang in there & post here any time you need to vent.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (November 30, 2019 1:32 pm)


November 30, 2019 2:07 pm  #9

Re: Am I crazy?

Thank you Out and Juli for your response.
I’m doing my best to stay sane and  not fall for any of his BS.

     Thread Starter

December 3, 2019 5:51 pm  #10

Re: Am I crazy?

My wife admitted to an affair over ten years ago. It was a similar story of a first time mistake and I wanted to have compassion on her, because we all make mistakes, right? We made up and were happy for years after.

Last month I uncovered the truth: she was lying then. It wasn't her first. She learned that I would accept lies, while doubling down on hiding her affairs, leading to a decade of what she called "adventures" with men and women. I have a young child and I would not wish this situation on anyone.

I'm so sorry for your husband's actions. It may feel like the kind option to give someone another chance, but if I could go back I'd leave. Your husband had secret sexual relations with another person and is giving excuses why it isn't a big deal. This is minimizing the event, apologizing not for what they did but simply for getting caught.

If this were a woman would it be so easily forgiven? You deserve to have an honest, caring partner who doesn't blame you for their decision to cheat with a man.

Wishing you strength during this challenging moment!

Last edited by Upside (December 3, 2019 5:54 pm)


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