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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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January 5, 2021 5:37 pm  #11


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Thank you, Inkundermyskin.

The struggle between one’s brain and heart is so true! I’ve accepted that I can both love this woman with all my heart and that I can still divorce her. We deserve people who are willing to be truthful and love us fully.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead!

 

January 5, 2021 6:23 pm  #12


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Upside wrote:

My jaw is on the floor.

As is mine from just reading this. I cannot imagine going through all this. Best wishes moving forward.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 6, 2021 12:53 am  #13


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Upside,

Yes move forward.  I recall and recognize the lies and sneaking...but your wife seems to have multiple "friends". 

This is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us.

Best wishes of strength


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 6, 2021 11:06 am  #14


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Thank you, Rob​ and​ Daryl.​ Moving​ forward​ as​ fast​ as​ I​ can​ now!

Un​expected​ news:​ I​ reached​ out​ to​ th​e​ female​ prostitute​ last​ month​ (which​ my​ wife​ contacted)​ to​ see​ if​ she'd​ be​ willing​ to​ confirm​ if​ she​ ​ever​ met​ with​ my​ wife.​ Last​​ night​ she​ responded.

She​ confirmed​ they​ had​ sex.​ She​ also​ confirmed​ some​ private​ info​​ which​ shows​ she​ knows​ private​ information​ about​ us.​

I've​ worked​ so​ hard​ to​ get​ 100%​ confirmation​ and​ it​ all​ just​ feels​ hollow.​​

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2021 1:21 pm  #15


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Rob wrote:

This is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us.

I have to keep reminding myself of this.  It's hard, when you believe in the sanctity of your marriage vows, to walk away.  But I remind myself, when I leave, I will be leaving behind the vows that he broke, I will be leaving behind toxicity, rejection, loneliness, lies and manipulation.

Upside....you've been through so much.  Your story hurts my heart, and I wish you the best moving forward.
 

 

January 29, 2021 2:51 pm  #16


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Thank you, ThisTooShallPass.

You're right. The pain we feel is in experiencing these lies and manipulations. Once these people are gone from our lives, our happiness should be so much easier.

--

I'm going to continue posting in this thread as time passes to highlight to those that are questioning that answers do eventually come with time.

Most people in my life thought I was crazy to believe my spouse was bisexual/lesbian. In my heart, I knew. Now, with everything that I've found, they are all on my side. Always trust your gut.

Continuing my last post, I briefly feared the prostitute was a scam artist. I had paid her to rat out her client (my wife) and told her that she could confirm or deny my suspicions freely. She confirmed they had slept together. After though, she got very sketchy and appeared to have taken more money because I overpaid. Not only did she share her real name, but she also returned the money that was overpaid and let me know my wife had contacted her again later this month. These are very unscammy things to do and make me fear she's real. She has no reason to lie.

My wife asked for help this week on her computer. In the five minutes I assisted, I noticed she had some strange networks in her Wi-Fi history. I looked them up, finding out one was a hotel 20 minutes from where she grew up and 30 minutes from our home. No one we know lives there, and there is no reason to go there. The trend of mysterious hotel visits continues to pile up. The prostitute had mentioned that she went to a hotel with my wife, so this fits the mold.

Yesterday I was walking by my soon-to-be-ex wife's phone and another woman texted her saying "Hey Sweetie, how are doing now? You don't have to respond. Just thinking of you.". I know all of her friends, so this is another "invisible friend". Hard to see. While we are divorcing, she's still trying to get me back.

Simply can't understand why someone would choose to live this life.

     Thread Starter
 

January 31, 2021 12:01 pm  #17


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Upside wrote:

The struggle between one’s brain and heart is so true! I’ve accepted that I can both love this woman with all my heart and that I can still divorce her.

yes well it is something I have thought about a lot.  what was I loving?   When I think about my ex these days I have no love for him, he ended up reminding me of an episode of Dr Who I saw as a child.  do I love the little crabby thing that crawled out of the Dalek's shell? no I don't.  

so what was I loving? 

 

February 1, 2021 6:20 am  #18


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

lily wrote:

Upside wrote:

The struggle between one’s brain and heart is so true! I’ve accepted that I can both love this woman with all my heart and that I can still divorce her.

so what was I loving? 

Upside, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through - my husband and I were high school sweethearts too. We grew up in the same neighbourhood. I loved the way you told your story....Time Passed...., I related to this so much...Time passed.....Yes, something happens and you continue working on your marriage, only later, after discovery/disclosure, do you realize - you were the only one trying. 

Lily, I struggle with this, who did I love?? I also ask myself, - How could I have been so taken, so fooled? It really shakes you to your core, doesn't it?
 

 

February 1, 2021 11:26 am  #19


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

Wow, longwayhome - I'm so sorry to hear that you were high school sweethearts as well.

In a weird way, this is a blessing and a curse. We were naively unaware of what was an acceptable relationship, so we likely went along with some fairly absurd requests from our partners to be amiable. We were a perfect target for them.

I'd have bet on World War 3 happening before I divorced, and I never, ever would have suspected her darting out of the house was for this. All betrayals sting, but that naivety and raw trust make the betrayal sting extra hard. Now all of life is opening up to us, but we're still functionally kids in many ways.

It hurts to admit Lily, but I loved who I wanted her to be.

An honest woman. A dedicated friend. A committed lover. None of those are true. In my case, I can prove that within 3 years of marriage she was cheating. How could she have loved me? I was a marriage of benefit and convenience. She was using me for money, a child, household support, and company.

I've been working on actively smothering the love I had for her. It's so odd, but I want it out of me, like venom. It has done no good. You're right, Lily - I hope to be where you are someday!

Last edited by Upside (February 1, 2021 11:28 am)

     Thread Starter
 

February 1, 2021 4:17 pm  #20


Re: My Wife's Invisible Friends

I was 19 when I got together with my ex.  He was 23, had already been sleeping with men.

yes time passes.  I was 57 when it came to discovery of tgt.

Not only had he been sleeping with men before he met me, he'd already stuck his head in an oven over a romance gone wrong with his high school mate.  This did not stop them staying friends.  They both married women.  I was the one and only straight in the four of us.  No one told me of course, not til we were divorced nearly 40 years later.  why not tell me then?

you know what I find so tiring about bisexuals?  their specialness.

yes, so the love thing, I just think about it a lot.  It is a relief to have taken off the rose coloured glasses.  It is literally some sort of a mind-blowing shock to recognise - I mean it's like kissing a toad and believing he turned into a prince but he never really did at all - I think maybe it's like there's a lot of patience in us because there's an innate understanding it is over a lifetime that we expect our spouse to turn into a prince.

But the opposite has happened.  some time in my 40's I had this recurrent thought that would well up from the depths of my mind - 'there's a malicious gnome in the bottom of the garden'.

I was with him so long, Upside, he wore out the love in me.  I couldn't care about him any more.  and I needed to get away from him.

 

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