OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - 99bob
- Member
Offline
Complete and utter despair
I'm really struggling. I've read through the forums and even though it helps somewhat to know I'm not alone, I'm miserable.
My wife of 27 years has been dealing with some depression and personal issues over the past several months. She has been seeing a therapist regularly to work through her challenges. I have tried to be supportive in any way I can. It breaks my heart to see her unhappy, struggle.
Three days ago, she confided in me that she no longer is attracted to men and is leaning toward women. This isn't something she's cognitively known for a long time, but rather something she is finally identifying within herself. She admits that she thinks a divorce is likely, but not imminent. She also admits she is in the very early stages of this process and has a "lot of work to do" and still has significant confusion. She also states that she does love me deeply, but is not attracted to me.
I'm devastated. Unlike many of the people that have posted here, I don't feel betrayed, because she wasn't hiding anything from me, instead I really believe she was hiding it from herself. She admits that until recently she identified as hetero/bi-curious, but now she identifies more as lesbian.
My mind is so flooded with sadness, grief, fear, confusion...it's almost unbearable.
I've seen others on this board say that their spouse is their best friend, and that couldn't be more true in my case. We have had an amazing life together. There have been ups and downs, but we've always been each other's support. We are also blessed to have an incredible 14 year old daughter who is the light of both our lives.
I'm so terrified of what our future holds. I love my family and can't even begin to imagine what life would be after divorce. I'm not sleeping, not eating, not productive at work...like I said, miserable.
I don't have an ask of the group, or any questions, I just needed to get this out. Because my wife has been my best friend, I really have no other social support. I feel so incredibly alone.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just had to express myself to someone.
- Duped
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
Bob, sorry you find yourself here. The guys who have been through this will be along soon to help you.
Eventually you will get a better perspective on this than the one you are being fed. But for now, take care of yourself. And put yourself first.
Last edited by Duped (November 22, 2019 6:35 pm)
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
Hey Bob, except for the # of years, I could have written much of this story. If talking here helps you, please continue. It's quite normal to be flooded with all these different feelings but you can survive it. The fog around the future will dissipate in time. First you need to find yourself and look at yourself as more than just part of a couple. You get to keep the Dad identity no matter what happens next but there's also a YOU in there somewhere.
I really do think you should find someone to talk to. If a personal counselor isn't an option, have you checked the main SSN page to see if there are any groups in your area? If I could offer one personal observation, your statement about divorce being likely, but not imminent, is a bit unfair. Yes, both of you have lots to process here but you shouldn't be made to sit on the bench, waiting for the clock to run out, with no idea how much time is left on it. At the same time, I understand there's nothing to be gained in trying to push for a decision. All I'm saying is remember that you count just as much as your spouse and your daughter also deserves clarity and honesty.
As mentioned - post away. You're not alone.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- 99bob
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
Daryl and Duped, thank you so much for your replies. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I have submitted my info to the SSN site and already received a response. I'm looking forward to talking with others in my area.
Daryl - you said "there's also a YOU in there somewhere". I appreciate that. That's one thing I need to find. I've long identified myself as husband first, father second, and my career third. I have no idea who "I" am.
Again thank you, I greatly appreciate it.
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
99bob,
Ditto what Daryl and Duped said..
I can tell you it took me some time.. my entire life and existence I had built around my GX.. Knew her the same number of years as you (i do not know why they wait this long to do this). I was codependent and
had to ask myself ; "who was I before I met her" ? The immediate answer was I was a teenage kid but I knew I was not that person anymore...but.. BUT.. I also knew I survived on the planet before I met her...
It took me sometime to realize the universe does not revolve around her... We love them fiercely and strongly but its a shock to realize they do not feel the same.
I urge you to find someone to talk to.. start building a support system; priest, therapist etc. SWe are worth so much more than how these spouses treat us...
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- 99bob
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
Rob, that's one of the things I'm really struggling with. Who am I?
For so long, I've identified myself as
- Husband
- Father
- Professional
We've had many very challenging conversations this week. I've learned this process has been extremely difficult and challenging for her. She's had to do a deep dive into who she really is and it's been a painful process for her.
Unlike many on this board, she isn't cheating, she isn't looking to form a relationship at this time with anyone else. We have agreed to go to counseling together because we don't know what the immediate, or long term holds, but we want the process to be respectful and loving.
Much work to be done.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
Hi Bob, just want to suggest you defer the marriage counselling and go for individual counselling first. then if you still want to do the marriage counselling you are prepared. I am concerned that if you walk into it now you will be blindsided. if you go ahead with the marriage counselling first then I suggest you sit back a bit and observe - is it all about what you can do for your wife or are your needs being addressed.
all the best, Lily
- Upside
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
So sorry you're facing this 99bob.
Seconding personal counseling as well. She has spent time identifying her wants and needs. Personal therapy can help you do the same, without fear of hurting someone you love.
Wishing you all happy days ahead.
- 99bob
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
I am currently attending personal counseling, and am very glad I am.
We haven't started couples counseling yet, have an appointment in 2 weeks. I'm trying my best to keep an open mind, but I'm thinking more and more that our counseling will likely be focused on how to have an amicable separation.
I've done research on Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOM). Like many life choices, it looks like that option works for some couples. I'm completely open to exploring this option, but she seems less open to it.
I did post on the MOM board, but didn't really get any support, mainly just folks saying why it won't work.
Like many on this board, I can't even begin to express how difficult this process is. I'm not sleeping, I've lost weight (not necessarily a bad thing), I can't focus at work. Generally just miserable.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Complete and utter despair
99bob wrote:
.......I did post on the MOM board, but didn't really get any support, mainly just folks saying why it won't work.
Hi 99.... The wording/heading of that board I think (unintentionally) comes across as being there as support for those in a MOM. A few have posted on it who have seemed pro-MOM but have realised it's more about those who are questioning and deciding whether a MOM will work for them.
But even some who commit to a MOM may still have reservations about their choice.
Like many on this board, I can't even begin to express how difficult this process is. I'm not sleeping, I've lost weight (not necessarily a bad thing), I can't focus at work. Generally just miserable.
We all know how difficult this isI have permanent dark circles under my eyes from waking, for 2 years, at 4am and sobbing. I'll have the dark circles forever, but I no longer wake at 4 crying.
I'm in a monogamous MOM. I'm here because it's not time to blow up the world/family/life I've known for 35 years
KIA KAHA