Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



September 30, 2019 12:29 pm  #1


Is she straight, bi, or gay?

Hello everyone, my name is Rick, and I'm new here. I realize that everyone on this website has been asked this question many many times. Recently my wife has given me signs that she is interested in women.
We're both over 60 and have been together 17 years, married 10.
I have suspected that deep down inside she doesn't like men. Her mother was physically abused by her father for many years and she had to witness much of the abuse.

About 2 years ago we discussed watching adult movies together in order to spice up our sex life. We watched many different types of adult movies and discovered that my wife REALLY enjoys and prefers girl on girl movies. She is from a very religious background and has issues, supposedly, with all things gay and bi.
She denies that she's gay or bi and says she just enjoys watching the girl on girl movies. She'll masturbate while watching them, and if I don't intervene by sort of taking over, until she cums.

Once we were watching a very hot scene where three ladies were in a threesome, and she actually came while not having any stimulation whatsoever, to her private area. NO other types of movies gets her this turned on! None, just girl on girl.

All of this was hot for awhile, but now it seems that when we're having sex, she always wants to see a girl on girl movie. So I am growing concerned that she is losing some attraction for me and is becoming less affectionate.

To be fair, she has not asked for a chance to see in person, if she will be attracted to a woman. When I ask her if she wants to experiment with a girl she says "maybe if I was younger", but no.

I am confused as to exactly who she really is? This woman I have been with for 17 years might be someone else, someone that I thought I knew well. Ever since she has been watching the girl on girl movies she seems a little distant at times.
Our sex life is actually quite good, as we have sex 2 to 3 times a week and we're both in our 60s! It's just that something feels different, seems off a little bit. She has fantasies while we're making love, about ladies giving her oral and tribbing (which she really loves watching).
I am hoping that someone here can help me understand what is going on here. I need other folks' opinions about if she is just going through some kind of phase, or if she's kind of slowly coming out. Thanks for listening!
 

 

October 1, 2019 12:17 am  #2


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

Hi Rick,

I tend to like that old-fashioned way of putting it, animal or sexual magnetism - are you attracted to boys or girls - that makes sense to me, that just like magnets, either you are attracted or repulsed.  I got no interest, no sexual attraction to women.  Much as I find some lesbians very attractive people I don't want to have sex with them, thanks.  

But you know, it is easy for me, I am attracted to the opposite sex.  My desire to have children, to have a husband and family and the magnetic element in my sexual attraction are totally compatible, it all runs in the same direction, to find the right man.  For people who are same sex attracted it is not the same it is a problem and so it is, by my estimation, that by now the whole world is ruled by the dictates of the closet walls.

Over and again I hear the stories come of bisexuals saying they are gay now, usually after they are middle aged.  No stories, not one that I have heard of where it goes the other way round and they become heterosexual.

sorry.

The way I see it, the love and desire to be with a man, the way it is for a bisexual woman it has always had this magnetic element running counter to the rest of her emotionality.  Eventually it is the emotionality that shifts not the orientation, that remains stable.

so yes, a lot to think about when you realise your partner is gay.  For me my ex wanted to stay in the closet and I was just glad to get away from him but such a long time living with him, it saddens me to think of it now.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

October 1, 2019 11:33 am  #3


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

Hi Lily, thanks for replying to my initial post! I know what you mean about either being attracted to the same sex or not. I am straight too. I am just having some anxiety about my wife, as I don't want to lose her to someone else-whether to a guy or a lady.
I'm just trying to figure out exactly WHAT she is-straight or gay. She won't admit to anything concrete, but her attraction to women is more than palpable, it's very obvious to me.

I'm trying to gauge whether or not she will stay with me, or all of a sudden leave if she meets a lady that she's attracted to.

     Thread Starter
 

October 1, 2019 2:44 pm  #4


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

RickE,
    It's common for folks to arrive here burdened by this doubt--is s/he straight or gay (or bi)?--and to believe that the survival of the marriage depends on the answer. What many of us find is that our partners are unable or unwilling to commit, not just to one thing of the other (or to both, in the case of bi), but to change their minds repeatedly.  It's part of the mindf*ck straight spouses go through--and that our partners put us through.  Your wife is giving you extremely mixed signals: no, I don't want to experiment, BUT-- I might if I were younger.  No, it's only films, BUT--I'm fine masturbating myself to orgasm without you.  
   What you are describing, trying to make a decision without knowledge, and without your spouse being willing to commit, means that as long as you stay you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and to live in a contingent way like that is not a good psychic state to inhabit.  
   What you might want to ask yourself, instead of "is she a lesbian?" and gauging your action by the answer, is this: "Is this state of things acceptable to me?  Am I willing to continue in a marriage in which my wife is giving me mixed signals about her sexual orientation, and in which I am unsure of my wife's attraction to me, unsure whether she will stay with me, and in which sex feels "off"?"  

 

October 1, 2019 5:48 pm  #5


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

RickE. wrote:

Hi Lily, thanks for replying to my initial post! I know what you mean about either being attracted to the same sex or not. I am straight too. I am just having some anxiety about my wife, as I don't want to lose her to someone else-whether to a guy or a lady.
I'm just trying to figure out exactly WHAT she is-straight or gay. She won't admit to anything concrete, but her attraction to women is more than palpable, it's very obvious to me.

I'm trying to gauge whether or not she will stay with me, or all of a sudden leave if she meets a lady that she's attracted to.

well I'd like to rule out losing her to another guy but I can't - that is something that happens - it has everything to do with wanting to stay in the closet, imo, it's their home.  

Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to get a simple answer from her?   The thing I came to understand with my ex was that denial doesn't mean don't know, it means not telling.  

It is totally clear she is attracted to women.  Why can't she admit it?  oh well, the thought I have is - could that be because the corollary to that is she is not attracted to men and the corollary to that is she has been pretending, so she'd rather not admit to being same sex attracted?

If she meets the right woman, and falls in love with her then, imo, it will depend on how well that woman is able to look after her as to what happens next.

Rick, I'm sorry, this is all very painful emotional territory once the sugar-coating of denial wears off.  On the other side, your gut settles down and the anxiety eases - you are on solid ground again.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

 

October 1, 2019 7:40 pm  #6


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

RickE,
    It's common for folks to arrive here burdened by this doubt--is s/he straight or gay (or bi)?--and to believe that the survival of the marriage depends on the answer. What many of us find is that our partners are unable or unwilling to commit, not just to one thing of the other (or to both, in the case of bi), but to change their minds repeatedly.  It's part of the mindf*ck straight spouses go through--and that our partners put us through.  Your wife is giving you extremely mixed signals: no, I don't want to experiment, BUT-- I might if I were younger.  No, it's only films, BUT--I'm fine masturbating myself to orgasm without you.  
   What you are describing, trying to make a decision without knowledge, and without your spouse being willing to commit, means that as long as you stay you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and to live in a contingent way like that is not a good psychic state to inhabit.  
   What you might want to ask yourself, instead of "is she a lesbian?" and gauging your action by the answer, is this: "Is this state of things acceptable to me?  Am I willing to continue in a marriage in which my wife is giving me mixed signals about her sexual orientation, and in which I am unsure of my wife's attraction to me, unsure whether she will stay with me, and in which sex feels "off"?"  

Thanks for your reply! You make really good points, and the only thing keeping me with her is that we have had 15 years, approximately, of her loving me emotionally and physically quite adequately. Only the last couple of years has been 'different'. However, if she really is attracted to women there's not much I can do. And that is why I want to know for sure if she will have a propensity to amplify her obvious attraction for women.
As I said before, I am very confused, and I feel conflicted as well.

     Thread Starter
 

October 1, 2019 8:00 pm  #7


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

lily wrote:

RickE. wrote:

Hi Lily, thanks for replying to my initial post! I know what you mean about either being attracted to the same sex or not. I am straight too. I am just having some anxiety about my wife, as I don't want to lose her to someone else-whether to a guy or a lady.
I'm just trying to figure out exactly WHAT she is-straight or gay. She won't admit to anything concrete, but her attraction to women is more than palpable, it's very obvious to me.

I'm trying to gauge whether or not she will stay with me, or all of a sudden leave if she meets a lady that she's attracted to.

well I'd like to rule out losing her to another guy but I can't - that is something that happens - it has everything to do with wanting to stay in the closet, imo, it's their home.  

Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to get a simple answer from her?   The thing I came to understand with my ex was that denial doesn't mean don't know, it means not telling.  

It is totally clear she is attracted to women.  Why can't she admit it?  oh well, the thought I have is - could that be because the corollary to that is she is not attracted to men and the corollary to that is she has been pretending, so she'd rather not admit to being same sex attracted?

If she meets the right woman, and falls in love with her then, imo, it will depend on how well that woman is able to look after her as to what happens next.

Rick, I'm sorry, this is all very painful emotional territory once the sugar-coating of denial wears off.  On the other side, your gut settles down and the anxiety eases - you are on solid ground again.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Yes! I have frequently wondered why it is so difficult getting a simple answer from her, as the only time I am able to get her to admit to anything related to that is when she has been drinking. But even then, I get mostly her overt attraction to women, as she doesn't do a good job of masking those attractions then.
And you're 100% correct, as you said, "denial doesn't mean don't know, it means not telling". I am quite sure this is the case. And I find it insulting that she cannot come clean about it all definitively.. I am still confused and conflicted, and I'm not sure about what to do next. Thanks for your input!
 

     Thread Starter
 

November 23, 2019 7:01 pm  #8


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

 
   What you might want to ask yourself, instead of "is she a lesbian?" and gauging your action by the answer, is this: "Is this state of things acceptable to me?  Am I willing to continue in a marriage in which my wife is giving me mixed signals about her sexual orientation, and in which I am unsure of my wife's attraction to me, unsure whether she will stay with me, and in which sex feels "off"?"  

This is an excellent way of viewing this problem. Thank you for sharing this.

RickE, 

This sounds like a tough situation. To me, your wife seems to be being honest about her feelings, without making any efforts to act on these desires. Are you concerned about her general attraction to women or is your fear that she may eventually act on this attraction?

 

November 24, 2019 3:40 pm  #9


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

Upside wrote:

OutofHisCloset wrote:

 
   What you might want to ask yourself, instead of "is she a lesbian?" and gauging your action by the answer, is this: "Is this state of things acceptable to me?  Am I willing to continue in a marriage in which my wife is giving me mixed signals about her sexual orientation, and in which I am unsure of my wife's attraction to me, unsure whether she will stay with me, and in which sex feels "off"?"  

This is an excellent way of viewing this problem. Thank you for sharing this.

RickE, 

This sounds like a tough situation. To me, your wife seems to be being honest about her feelings, without making any efforts to act on these desires. Are you concerned about her general attraction to women or is your fear that she may eventually act on this attraction?

Good question! I am more concerned about her eventually falling in love with a woman, as I know that people cannot help what they feel and what turns them on, we are born with these proclivities and desires.
I just don't want to lose her if at all possible.

At first I thought that wow, that kinda sounds hot, but after I thought about it at length I realized that if she did act on what she's feeling, there would be a significant chance of losing her forever. All I know for sure is that she has never been as turned on with me as she gets while watching girl on girl porn. And the more I think about it, the more I feel insecure. 

     Thread Starter
 

November 25, 2019 11:57 am  #10


Re: Is she straight, bi, or gay?

Hi Rick,

I am not surprised you are feeling insecure.  It doesn't seem likely to me that you are going to lose her to a woman though - on the basis you have lasted as long as you have already.

I am guessing that your feeling of trust in her is affected.  

My suggestion is to ask yourself if your need for affection is being answered - is it getting worse or better - what does the man you will be in ten years time want to say.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum