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November 30, 2019 12:03 am  #11

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

My husband hasn't admitted being bi.  This is my first post and I am still trying to figure out if I'm crazy.  He's always been a 'manly-man' but here are what I consider red flags and why I think he is bi-sexual...
1. For years we'd have sex 1-2 times a year. Felt it was because I didn't want it - and I didn't.  It was over fast and very unsatisfying.
2. 3 Months ago I found he had download Ashley Madison, tinder and bumble (?) on his phone.  After freaking out he was looking to have an affair, I confronted him. He denied it and said he loved me and it must be a hack. After a month of open conversation, I believed him.
3. The conversations allowed us to start talking about what we wanted, sexually.  He suggested a mmf.   For 'my'
4. He suggested the 3rd be a high school friend - who he also then told me they had a brief sexual encounter back then.
5. He tells me a little more than he originally said - adds a detail each time.
6. He stepped up his game in bed. Like he's a different man.
7. He gets noticeably more turned on if we role play another man joining.
8. He admitted to watching gay porn
9. He admitted to chatting with gay men
10. Said it doesn't matter if it's a man or woman ... giving favors - if it feels good
11.  I impersonated a man on a sex chat site and messaged him.   He immediately replied and got sexual.  Very graphic.  Sent pics and wanted to Snapchat so he could show me.
12. I impersonated the man again, and it happened again.

Silly I needed to do it twice.  I was shocked. I'm in disbelief. Sought out a counselor and this site, so grateful! 

I asked if the mmf was a way to explore having sex with men.  He denied it. Said he wasn't gay and went to shower.

I still feel crazy.  Do you think all this means he is bi?  I think he finds me attractive still. But not sure I KNOW anything as true anymore.

Thank you all.  Quite a boat we find ourselves in.


November 30, 2019 9:08 am  #12

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

I think this means he is gay, and you're a beard.  
You're not crazy, but the situation is definitely crazy-making.


November 30, 2019 11:22 am  #13

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

For what it’s worth, both my ex and a long time classmate/colleague who came out the same time as my ex, had communicated   fantasies of group sex when I first met each of  them ( I did not meet each of them at exactly the same point in time in my life). In hindsight, I now assume they may have viewed that as a legitimate, acceptable means of engaging in same sex activity.

Just a thought.

All the best,



December 3, 2019 5:33 pm  #14

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

The two big red flags for me were:

1) Never sharing her sexual preferences. When you're with someone for 20 years, I should know something. Not sharing anything means you're either dead or uncomfortable sharing the truth. When I eventually asked her about her obsession with female solo or lesbian porn she exhaustedly whispered "some things are private".

2) The look she gave some women. When she saw an attractive lesbian couple out together I still remember her obvious gaze of desire. It was pure, excited lust. I saw it when we walked the red light district of Amsterdam or when she would stare at a celebrity crush. She never acted this way for men.


December 3, 2019 9:11 pm  #15

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

"Some things are private" is code for "I'm keeping secrets from you so I don't have to experience consequences for my actions."


December 7, 2019 4:14 pm  #16

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

Before marriage:
1. Was a terrible kisser.
2. Gay men would look at him with longing.

After marriage:
1. No sex after a year - claimed he had been sexually abused. Years of therapy & occasional ED pills never helped.
2. Refused to have any friends in common, especially straight couples.
3. Needed to be alone or with his own friends in his free time. Long showers before he went out.
4. It was sticky and smelly when I tried oral sex on him. He refused to wash down there. I gave up.
5. Never-ending negativity against gay men.
6. Knew a lot more about gay male culture and habits than I did.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

February 10, 2020 2:19 pm  #17

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

Like the response above,I didn’t see the red flags until it was too late. Before we were married he talked about a thing he had with another man. I really didn’t think much about it.  After we got married we shared a computer and I saw his browser history with the gay porn all the time. I saw on his phone he had an app for gay older men. Sex is pretty much gone from this relationship.i don’t even remember the last time we had attempted sex, I say that because he has always been unable to be aroused by me, another red flag. We sleep in separate rooms and have done so for years now. Same excuses snoring not wanting to wake me, wanted to stay up late. I too just want to be loved and held like a married couple should. We live more like roommates. I have no desire to even give him a hug.


February 10, 2020 10:03 pm  #18

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

More male halloween costume choices than female.
Using lesbian/solo-girl porn images/videos.
Occasional glances.


March 8, 2020 5:55 pm  #19

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

Perhaps this should be titled pink flag maybes?  It’s really hard to tell sometimes. 

25 years ago I had a boss who looked & seemed straight. I thought he was. I didn’t know until he received flowers for Valentines Day. I remarked on the nice bouquet and he said he was lucky to have a great boyfriend. 

Sometimes gut instinct doesn’t help.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

June 27, 2020 2:51 pm  #20

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

He and his deceased wife were both virgins when they married. He was 26. He has taken Viagra since I knew him when he was 66. Five years ago a friend of his told me that he came on to him wanting Viagra. Friend said no way. I almost forgot about it because he started letting this friend's ex girlfriend stay at his vacation home. I was concerned about that. He became friends with a man young enough to be his grandson and got into bed with him three weeks ago. I found condoms and jack off cream  Young friend said he had made a pass at him almost a year ago. I confronted my partner. He said he's never had sex with a man and does not plan on it. I found voice mails on his phone at vacation home from a man last year. Now he has the phone calls go directly to him. He has spent more time than usual on computer. Oh and one more thing-after six years of intercourse he cannot keep an erection so I have to perform oral sex on him. This has been going on since 2017.


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