I wish him a fulfilled life. I sincerely hope that at least this pain wasnt for nothing. It was with the expense of my life. But at least I hope he has the strength to live his true self.

As for me....I hope one day I can give all my love to someone who can reciprocate the same way.

Last edited by Mimi (April 29, 2019 4:11 pm)

I'm happy you were able to make this break Mimi. It won't be easy, but it's better than living a lie. Are you living separately now? I know how hard this has been for you.

As for detaching with love...I didn't even try. I don't love my ex anymore. How could I after what he's done? I try to have as little to do with him as possible. Unfortunately, we live in the same house, separate apartments but still too close for me. He still will text me if he's going to the grocery store or CVS to see if I want anything. Nope, I want nothing from you. Last night our daughter was performing in a show. He texted me 6 different times asking whether he should come home first or just go straight to the venue. I wanted to text back "I don't give two craps what you do" but I was polite and just said "up to you." Then he kept updating me about his commute. Again, I don't care. Tomorrow my other daughter is performing at college. I know he's assuming we're driving the 2 hours together. I might say yes to that for my kids' sake but it will be torture for me. Ugh. 

So my advice is to spend as little time as possible with him. Speak to him only about business matters or the children. No friendly conversations, no chit chats, etc. Use texting or emails as a means of communication rather than phone calls. The longer you go without contact the easier it will get. 

Good luck, and *hugs*

 

Mimi wrote:

jkc
Good to hear from you. I was thinking about you the other day and was wondering how you're doing. I recall that our timelines of finally deciding to leave was around the same time. Happy to hear you are doing good and on track. I do live separately now. Away from him. and I have to say the separation helped a lot. The less I see him the less Im dragged in the rabbit hole. He is very mad at me for "leaving him and giving up too fast.". He is now the victim of all of this. But there are days that he constantly calls and cries where I break. Begs me to give it a chance. Remind me that marriage was for better and worst. Tells me Im gving up too fast. Still in complete denial with all the facts in front of him. I finally told him, what he does and doesn't act on is no longer my concern.


E hugs

Good for you!!! What he does or doesn't do is not your concern. I am still concerned enough about my ex in that I need him to be healthy for our children and as a fellow human being and that about covers it. 

I have not filed for divorce yet. I think the entire process is SO overwhelming to me. And I don't have the money to spend on lawyers. So far my ex has done every single thing I've asked of him. I know he still feels tremendous guilt. I've said to him many times "you have no idea what you've done to me" and he can't even respond. I feel like I should file now while he's still feeling that way so I can get all that I want out of the divorce. I'm not out to fleece him or anything. I want 50/50 custody, no child support either way. I don't want to get or give alimony. We make almost the same amount of money with me topping him out by a couple thousand. But, I am a nurse and I only work 32 hours. He could say I have more earning potential than him if I added in those 8 hours a week. I want to add up our 401K's and then split it down the middle. We cashed in my 401k when we bought our first house. We were young and figured we had time to recoup and his 401k had a good amount and I figured we'd be together. I don't want to get stuck with a lot less money than him at retirement. Lastly, if possible, I want him to continue to cover me under his health insurance. My work offers it, but it's a crappy plan and my doctor is not a part of it so if Iose my current insurance I have to leave my doctor that I love. 

All this is so overwhelming to me. I really don't even want to face it. But, I want my name back. I know that probably sounds silly, but I sign my name about 100 times a day at work and I'm tired of signing his name. So that is motivating me. At some point I might want to date again. So I want to be free for when/if that day ever arrives. I think I'm talking myself into calling a lawyer tomorrow.  Thanks Mimi!!!

Hi Number9, that's an interesting question.  In response I don't think there's any point in sending the letter, you are not going to get honest answers you can trust are you.  When it comes to healing yes I think the better your picture of the past the better off you are but you are a more reliable source than he is.  I suggest you take time for a siesta whenever you can and let your mind wander and pick up memories at random.

I don't think it's answers that will send you back into dark places but I do think asking your ex for answers might - that really is revisiting a dark place!

I still shudder at the yeah, torment is a good word for it, the torment of seeking answers from my ex and getting the runaround, even when I was really needing them.  

all the best, Lily



 

Number9, on one of the trauma recovery boards I am on, women will talk about therapeutic disclosure and polygraphs, etc. It is all done with trained therapists though, and is only done, I believe, for couples who wish to remain together. Otherwise it is not seen as beneficial. 

I could have it backwards though, but it is something you could look into. Of course, the Ex would have to be onboard as well.