longwayhome wrote:

Ordinary guy, Let me first say I may not be understanding your post correctly. If you mean to say that your role, as you see it at the moment, is to help in your wife’s self-actualization? If this is correct? Then this response is intended in that vein.

Please know I also don’t mean any of this to sound hurtful or harsh.

In my opinion, Its not ever within another person’s power/control to help another person self-actualize, especially the other spouse taking that role. I don’t think anybody should push someone to self actualize. Personally, I think that could become very high conflict, very quickly.

You know, when I initially discovered my husband’s nine month same sex affair. I was stunned, shock, lost for words, totally threw me into another universe. I’m a pretty sensitive person and I just immediately went into this deep sorrow space. It’s also how I believe I was able to get any real truth from him, but I wouldn’t make this realization until much later.

Anyways, all that to put a bit of perspective to what I want to share next. Once he admitted his same sex attraction to me, went about talking how it could be worked out in terms of opening the marriage, etc. He let so much out of the bag - nobody could stuff all that back in the bag. He thought he could and tried for the next 15 months. I never allowed room for him to change his original story.

I could never open my marriage, he should have known this about me. But he lost himself in all the possibilities. It almost destroyed me and he didn’t even blink an eye to notice.

Today, I believe he has come to some level of acceptance in terms of his same sex attraction, doesn’t like the word gay at all. That is no where near the self realization that is required to live openly. But it is him accepting a part of himself, that I think, he always hated and tried so hard to deny.

The only thing to do in many of our situations is get out of the way - this was never our fight to fight, it’s theirs, we got dragged in unknowingly.

Again, just sharing my opinion and I hope my post isn’t offensive to you, it most certainly isn’t the intent.

Please take care, be well.

It is not within my power to help her realise anything. If we are dealing with deep seated denial, then the psychological manifestation of this is evident in the vulnerable self behaviours. This takes the form of projection on to me in the form of abuse. The trope that developed over the last few years was that I was “always in the way”.  I couldn’t understand what exactly I was in the way of, until I stepped back and looked at the changes in behaviour over a period of years. I asked if she would entertain the idea of going to relationship counselling to help us rediscover some sort of intimate connection in an effort to help me recover from the deep depression I am battling. I also said that I am being treated in line with domestic abuse recovery. I asked if at the very least, the abusive behaviour could stop to allow myself some breathing space and that I was frankly becoming increasingly desperate and suicidal. What did I get as a response. That I have effectively been a cancer in her life for the last thirty years and that we should just call it a day and split up. I have said over and over again that I want to try and work things out, but there is no desire on her part to even acknowledge the fact that her treatment of me is abnormal at all.
 If TGT lies at the her mental issues, then I think that as a fellow human let alone husband I have a duty to try and get her to accept this. This is not for my benefit, but for my son’s. He does not need to see his Mother behave like this. I don’t want him to think that this is what a relationship with anyone should look like. This whole fragile ego and self-hatred thing projected on to me  could be down to a deeply repressed and denied unconscious true self.

4877 days….
 

Last edited by Ordinary guy (July 4, 2021 7:11 am)

Well the long and short of it is:

From a risk point of view as a Father, do I step away and leave my son in the house in the hope that he doesn’t become someone else to project on. How would you feel if you put your own self interest above that of your own son, only to see him suffer in anyway for it?

Nietzsche said “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how”.

If I can find the “why”, I will then deal with the how.

4877 days….

The why to live is for your child.  The why to get away from the abuser is to heal so you can be a good father.  Your intelligence, wit, and compassion for others comes through in your posts.  When you start to recover from the abuse you will have much to offer other people in addition to your son. 

Ordinary guy,

I didn't have children, and I would do the same.  My idea of marriage is to help my spouse face difficult challenges. Regardless of what happens, you can sleep at night knowing you tried your best.

Being gay is still anathema. That's a fact. I don't excuse my GIDXH's terrible behavior.  Understanding it gives me humanity and grace.  Healing's not a zero sum game.

I hope your stress decreases and you regain your health, Ordinary guy.

Last edited by MJM017 (July 5, 2021 12:05 am)

longwayhome wrote:

Perhaps if these situations were out in the open and research was actually conducted, there would be better therapies that could be developed and real help could be offered to people instead of what we are all trying to do on our own.

You've hit the nail on the head.

Wishing there were avenues to fund this work. It seems SSN is doing initial research, but their focus seems (rightfully) split. Research is necessary to properly communicate the severity of the issue and advocate for the creation of proper support therapies and material.

longwayhome wrote:

Edited to add: you want to see the real damage it does, read the stories on the new subreddit. It’s mental abuse and they can’t stop it to help themselves. There in one telling her story now. This woman is in pure mental anguish and she is allowing herself to be subjected to this. My heart breaks for her. All to stay in her MOM.
https://www.reddit.com/r/StraightBiPartners/

This sub brings me to tears.

MJM wrote:

I don't excuse my GIDXH's terrible behavior.  Understanding it gives me humanity and grace. Healing's not a zero sum game.

Helpful. Thank you, MJM.