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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 26, 2019 12:51 pm  #11


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I noticed my X use that term 'babe' several times to other men. And heard it from a select few other guys that I questioned were GID. To me when another man calls another man 'babe' or 'hon' or 'baby', my automatic assumption is that they swing the gay way. Or is this a normal thing?
Men? Your thoughts please?


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

April 26, 2019 2:57 pm  #12


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

For what it’s worth, I’ve never heard men in my circles use these terms.  I went to an all male catholic school, was in a fraternity in college,  am in a male dominated profession, have been in golf leagues off and on, have four brothers, and four long standing male friends who are like brothers and have never heard those terms to express friendship or camaraderie, ever. 
We usually express our friendship with kind joking ( not mean or at anyone’s expense).

 

April 26, 2019 6:30 pm  #13


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I would never use those terms to address another guy.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 6, 2021 7:36 pm  #14


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

This is really interesting. I'm right in the middle of my husband's drip drip revelations about his sexuality but the lack of physical affection has been a problem from the start. He was always into sex so this wasn't the problem (although the sex was never great and lacked intimacy) but the lack of cuddles and public affection really got to me and was the cause of lots of arguments. I argued for 2 years as I wanted to cuddle up on the sofa and he hated it. He hated and looked down on any physical affection that's typical of heterosexual relationships and now I know why.
I wonder how conscious he was of the reasons he didn't like physical affection.
I'm just clinging onto the hope that it's going to be such a revelation when I have a partner who is affectionate!

 

February 6, 2021 9:20 pm  #15


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

It’s very sad to read these accounts of peoples experiences. I cannot relate because my bi husband has always been very affectionate, intimate and physical with me. He never makes excuses to get out of any of it and often (probably more so often than I) initiates. The only thing I recall lacking early on (30 years ago) was that he was uncomfortable with heavy public displays of affection, but I don’t think that’s that unusual. I just wasn’t that uncomfortable with that ... “get a room” type stuff. 😂

Last edited by TangledOil (February 6, 2021 9:24 pm)

 

February 8, 2021 1:46 pm  #16


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Your husband seems like a gem, TangledOil! What a keeper.

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

My Ex left me at 55 and I wondered if I still had it. I’ll keep it PG and simply say I experienced “The Difference” ( see jargon for newbies) with the woman who is now my wife. Sexual intimacy is one of the greatest free gifts given us as humans. Don’t give up on finding it, no matter your age.

This is comforting to hear!

My (soon to be ex) wife is my first and only. This presented so many problems, as she could just lie and say "all women are like this" and I'd stupidly believe her.

I remember her uncontrollably sobbing the first time we made love, but not saying why. Twenty years of hating when I touched her hand or back, by the end I can actually see her grimacing in photos. Her active disgust only made sense once I found out about her girlfriends. I look forward to physical intimacy that is real and reciprocal. It seems like something out of a fantasy novel.

The thing that made me most profoundly sad when I discovered my wife's texts with her lovers was the emotional affection. She drowned them in praise, compliments, and flirty language. At that time I was starved for both physical and emotional connection, and seeing that she was reserving it for these affairs was too much to bear.

This whole thing is tough beyond words. If it weren't for my daughter I'd have given up long ago. But the hope of an honest relationship filled with affection is something I'm hopeful about the road ahead.

Last edited by Upside (February 8, 2021 1:47 pm)

 

February 14, 2021 11:53 am  #17


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Upside,

Thank you. I do feel very lucky. My husband is one of those people that remembers every special day… birthdays, anniversaries... and not just typical anniversaries... the anniversary of the day of our first date, the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him. He goes out of his way to make sure all the special moments in life are cherished. I’ve always felt in many ways that I’ve won the husband lottery. He never glosses over an achievement of special event  ...everything is recognized and celebrated. He makes people (the kids and myself) feel special and loved.

Last edited by TangledOil (February 14, 2021 11:54 am)

 

February 14, 2021 12:03 pm  #18


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

TangledOil wrote:

Upside,

Thank you. I do feel very lucky. My husband is one of those people that remembers every special day… birthdays, anniversaries... and not just typical anniversaries... the anniversary of the day of our first date, the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him. He goes out of his way to make sure all the special moments in life are cherished. I’ve always felt in many ways that I’ve won the husband lottery. He never glosses over an achievement of special event ...everything is recognized and celebrated. He makes people (the kids and myself) feel special and loved.

Oh, how sweet! You have a dream of a husband there 😁.

 

February 14, 2021 9:08 pm  #19


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Oh how glad I am about this topic!!! We always had issues about affection. yes we did have intimacy, but hardly ever experience an orgasm. when asked why he had intimacy with me, he said because he knew I needed it...however he said he experienced satisfaction, but always had anxiety because he always wondered if I was satisfied enough. (which I never was!). Never put his arm around me, I always had to innitiate these things... holding hands the lot. I never felt he was the man in our relationship, the strong, physical man that I can look up to and feel safe with. NEVER. And today, I crave affection, - I get what you are saying, Gonzo-2000! - he once said that because my mum never had a good relationship with me, must be the reason for craving affection! I was furious and hurt by this comment. for God sake, we are in a relationship, a marriage! This should be natural???? But no, it wasn't... 
Walkbymyself: "he didn't approve of public displays of affection." I clearly remembered that too, he never wanted a kiss in public. Now it makes sense. I also felt weak, needy and undesirable, but now I know "why". It was never me, it was him. As for now, I told him, the curtains are down, the show is over, he has walked down the steps of the stage, and I am about to do the same. We have signed divorce papers, and as before where I said we can live together, is a no go for me. I now want to live in my own space, and start my life again, how hard it might be. My colleages at work support me, and 3 very good friends support me. I am yet to find out where I stand with my therapist. I stopped wearing my wed ring since Jan 2021. And yes, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I would love to meet a real man, the man for me...I am hopeful, listening to you, A-dad's-straight-journey!! Thank you for that encouragement! We need to hear that! It's hard to hear from him, "I love you but never really fell in love with you." Affection is so part of my life, this is how I express my love, care and passion. Once in our very early years of marriage, while being intimate, and being passionate, he told me, "oh stop it, you are insipid (or rediculous in what you are trying to do and to be!)... I was heart-broken....I should have walked away then...!!!! I still remember the emotional pain I experienced, the whole of the following day too... this is what a wife does, this is what happens in a marriage, this is what affection and intimacy is all about, how could this be wrong????? And yes, 'A-dad's -straight-journey', I think he would have been greatful if I'd walk away myself, finding someone else then. But I loved him too much, and HE KNEW THAT.
 


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

February 15, 2021 3:44 pm  #20


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

"The thing that made me most profoundly sad when I discovered my wife's texts with her lovers was the emotional affection. She drowned them in praise, compliments, and flirty language. At that time I was starved for both physical and emotional connection, and seeing that she was reserving it for these affairs was too much to bear."
I surely get this! That is what I asked my husband too: surely you can show affection to them, and blow kisses, and hug them once you see them, but no, not for me... this is sad. Even now when I am working through this, and we have lots of conversations, he suddenly put his arm around me, and I didn't want that. Not now, not anymore, it means nothing. It's fake. But I miss emotional and physical affection, I crave it... I can imagine, UPSIDE, how you must have felt... it hurts so bad...Keep holding on to that hopefulness, I am. There must be someone out there, true and honest and loving and caring, the right person...for all of us!

 

Last edited by Beijoux (February 15, 2021 3:45 pm)


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

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