Hi Everyone,

Sarah here and first of all, I would like to say already thank you-s for some other posts I read in other threads, and the kindness of you all. It really encouraged me to write my own post! :-)

So, I am just one or two days before telling the man whom I once thought to be 'love of my life' that I would like to end our formal tie... Our background: we are both youngish, me still in my 20s, been together for only about two years. It was a whirlwind meeting and 'romance' and moving in and saying yes came quickly. Also because all we've had was each other, after many rough years in our growing up on each side, with little to no family support remaining. We have been childfree, by choice (none of us is the parenting type). 

There were many red flags, looking back, that Chris (not his real name, for privacy reasons) might be gay. To begin with, he was nearly 30 when we met and he had not have a single relationship with girl/s. He explained to me that he was desperately in love with a girl from his childhood and that he was waiting for her for several years, that he admitted his feelings to her twice, with some gap, but she said 'no' and that broke his heart and contributed to him leaving his town. I always thought that to be a very strange story, but I myself was in love in vain in the past, sometimes for years, so... I guess I looked that over. Then, one of the first dates we went out together, he lent me his phone to use the camera on it for photos, and I found a picture message stored away in its memory, with a message. The image showed a cartoon guy, waiting in the gents' toilet, ready to jump on the first visitor and ####. The message contained a word-play with Chris' name, in the context of him being a horny gay guy. I was shocked, to say the least! We were to enter a fancy restaurant, so I waited till the end of the meal and told Chris this is cyber bullying, why is he holding on to this? I should have been a lot more aware at that point because he was not even upset... He simply told me that one of his 'friends' in the past was being silly, that's all. I almost fainted from my seat. I asked him, how come that he considers this person a 'friend', after all this?? Again, he remained calm, but I think he blushed some and I told him, this could be reported, the person, for online hate crime. Christ was more than surprised. He did not go into any further communication that day about the 'subject' and I dropped it too. After all, we just met. I was the first girl he ever kissed, at his age 28 and when it happened, to be honest, it just did not feel right. He was more than nervous and I had to hold his hand all the time... 

The same year, 2017, we tied the knot, just after months of knowing each other, we were so close in heart and soul. As for intimacy, he always remained 'dry' , in more than one meaning of the word and he also started to do a lot of playful touching on me, instead of the gentle, dedicated touches of a man in love. Tickling, poking, teasing, always ending in a very nervous laughing on his end. We spent Christmas 2017 with his relatives, and there, to my surprise, I noticed that he was doing the very same ticking stuff to his now grown up female cousin, for whom he was always like the big brother, because of the large age gap. I was very surprised. The more I was listening to him talking about the little cousin, I started to realize that he is very brotherly with me as well. The other big red flag was, or at least it should have been, looking back, his relation to other men, even those of his age. Since we were both fresh in our town, I encouraged him to make new friends (he has PTSD, so I thought that must be it). I noticed that all the friends he made around were females, and when we visited some of them, he was very eagerly touching them on their backs and arms, without any manly looks or reaction. It was more like 'sisters'. I felt really weird watching it. When I asked him, how is it that he developed all these friendships with girls without dating, but no friendships with guys, Chris just told me he finds that girls are more open minded and less judgemental. He kept on telling me that a lot of people were 'judging' him in his home town but his close childhood male friends, with whom he grew up with, always remained open minded and they could talk about 'anything'.

I very desperately wanted to settle with a guy because in 2013 I had a very painful ending to a relationship where I was ready to commit (that man got rid of me, gas lighting and all, fully broke my heart) and in 2011 I already had a broken engagement, due to becoming abused. So when I met Chris in 2017, all I was focusing on was what I wanted to hear, kind of :-( These many comments about him being 'judged' in the past, and that he only liked to hang out with 'open minded' people, should have raised my suspicion! When I confronted him about not having male friends in town at all, he simply told me that he's very 'selective'. But when he finally made one guy as a friend where we live, that didn't make things better either, because every time they spent time together, Chris came home either very distant or completely out of his mind (frustrated). When I finally got the chance to spend time with the both of them, I noticed that this friend was almost as ''feminine'' as Chris and my partner totally transformed in his presence. He was full of smiles, quick glances at the buddy all the time, he crossed his legs a hundred times... Unfortunately, I started to notice the same reaction from Chris to some other males we were around, even in formal places. Just this week I accompanied Chris to a medical appointment and I'm not kidding, he was technically flirting with the male nurse after the nurse helped to put him at ease, his cheeks becoming more and more red, in front of my very eyes. I was genuinely happy for Chris, I have to say!

In the past one years Chris averted or avoided every and any conversations about his sexual orientation. I feel that I'm left with no choices. I stopped wearing my ring this past December and last week I told Chris that I love him and I don't mind living together, but I am not sure any more that I love him enough for a marriage. Last year I still thought that I would probably be able to live together with him like this, we have a nice and secure home, together we earn good, we adopted a pet that we love as our 'baby', and so on. But the end of last year I fell in love with a heterosexual man. I doubt that the person knows about it and it's not the point! :-) The point is that... I am coming to the conclusion: I cannot emotionally castrate myself for the rest of my life. I am still young. I went through a couple of terrible, terrible relationship with men in the past, before Chris and it was easier for me to settle with Chris, as he's naturally very caring and usually gentle.
 
But now I feel... especially after telling him last week why I stopped wearing the ring... that I must tell him I want to end our tie, or otherwise I think I will slowly explode... probably.
I feel like I was his little (or big) sister, cohabiting with him for emotional stability, basically shielding him from facing his own reality.
And now blocking myself from ever meeting My Man...

Often I feel that he's more feminine than me :-) :-P and I am not even able to kiss him on the lips any more, apart from a second long dry kiss. Other than that, it feels somehow wrong, like I was kissing my own brother. I cannot help but recall how he is when around some other men, it just pops on my mind. 
We are very very close with Chris emotionally and we are the closest family we have now, for each other, too. (We don't have many common interests or goals.)

I still feel that... this formal tie has to go between us. Because it's a lie.

I feel so alone and confused sometimes these days...

This past Christmas, when Chris and I were out in town, the place we visited for leisure time had some leaflets placed in the hall. Chris picked up the LGBT program, from all of the stuff there and told me, 'Look!'. I felt weird but also relieved and just told him we can come around to the next meeting if he wants to. He said 'okay' and nothing more.
A few days from that, we were watching a sci-fi together at home in which there was a strange male alien. I commented, trying to joke, saying who would pick this guy as a partner? Then Chris said: ''I would. I'm sure my parents would understand my choice.'' He meant is as a joke but... You know. 

Any comments? Any ideas?

I could really use some encouragement :-( :-( :-( 

I feel kinda lost.


Sarah

 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 5, 2019 1:06 pm)