Thanks Dave!

This is why I've kept up my posts.  I want my experience and insights to be helpful to others.  Knowing I've helped out someone else makes my awful experience feel like it had a value and purpose. 

 

I changed my username.  Someone mentioned that my old one didn't seem to fit anymore and I think that's correct.  I don't think i'm "lost" anymore.  I've found the way forward.  I'm still walking the path and there are still ups and downs, but I'm a different person now than I was before.   For this reason I've decided I like the username phoenix.  The mythical bird that dies in a flaming inferno and then comes back to life as a beautiful and majestic creature.   I'm certainly not beautiful, but I think my future will be beautiful so I'm going to embrace that hope and let me username reflect it. . 


My streak of not succumbing to my emotions ended last night.  

I found out that my ex's sister not only unfriended me on facebook, but actually blocked me.  It has me wondering what my ex is saying about me to cause that level of rejection.  Does she think I'm some kind of creepy stalker or something?  Or perhaps just showing solidarity with her sister?

I really liked the sister and her husband.. they are great people.  They were family to me.. we went through a lot together and had some great times over 16+ years..  I had hoped that we could remain in touch in the future.  I knew it wouldn't be the same... we wouldn't be spending holidays together, but I hoped that maybe we could just stay in touch.   I guess not.. 

What is frustrating is that I took the high road and didn't tell the secret.  Even when asked.. I told her directly that it would be wrong for me to say anything that my ex hadn't shared because they were family.  

I guess it's a no-win situation..  If I defend myself I come across as malicious.  If I say nothing then my ex has a blank canvas to paint her lies upon.   Oh well.. I did what I know was right. 

Last week was a challenge as well.. I had to see her for parent-teacher conferences and she was very hostile toward me before and after.  

I'm not a psychologist, but I have a theory on how people think about and treat other people. 
1.) I think when a person does something they are ashamed of, they try to justify the action so they can get rid of the guilt.  To justify the action they need to make the party they offended out to be a bad person.. like they deserved it.  So I think they manufacture things to dislike about a person. 
2.) I think when a person paints another as a bad person, every future interaction begins with bad thoughts.. They are no longer neutral.. they are now tainted to dislike you or think the worst of you. 
3.) I think people are very highly influenced by others.. Especially when they are in love with the other.  So when one of our gay ex's falls in love with a new person, they allow that new person to help paint a picture about their ex.  

In my case, my ex is extremely ashamed, so she is deflecting all of that guilt by making me the bad guy.  She is now holding a grudge for whatever she has manufactured against me, so any future interactions are now slanted before they even start.  Worst of all.. the ex who she left me for already hated me.. simply because I existed and because I called her out for being an immoral and unethical slimeball..   So she's heavily influencing my ex as well. 

All of this suck because it threatens to put the kids in the middle of a bad relationship between the parents.  She will, without even knowing it, have a harmful slant on how she mentions me to the boys.  Her hostility toward me will make it more and more difficult for us to co-parent and see each other in person when necessary. 


This sucks!!  


Oh well.. life goes on.  Aside from the stress with my ex being hostile toward me I am enjoying my life more and more by the day.  I can see hope on the horizon and I'm looking forward to the future. 



 

Last edited by phoenix (April 4, 2017 3:53 pm)

First , congrats on the new name   It was Kel who told me way back to not change my name to Forsaken but to take back my name.    At the time i took the advice because  despite how forsaken I felt, the folks here had to know something.    I'm glad I kept my name.   My ex, as your's surely did, changed her name back to her maiden name.. part of their re-writing the past.   , 

Ah yes,  the treatment we get in public or overall  now; " had to see her for parent-teacher conferences and she was very hostile toward me before and after.  ".     Yep,  me too.   They act as if we did something wrong.  That we harmed them.   Mine glared at me with a mean face ..like a bully on the playground.  What makes it more bizarre is we know how well we treated them and I know for a fact that there is no way her girlfriend could treat her better than me...but then I guess she considers acting like a selfish teenager to be better treatment...      It is bizarre...the only thing we're guilty of is loving them and treating them well.      So they cheated with someone of the same sex and we're to blame..that justifiies and makes what they did morally ok.   

Yes, I agree with your analysis word for word... they seem ashamed...they have to get rid of the shame..so they project it onto us.  Mine is downright paranoid when I interact with her  (all we discuss is the kids);  ie.  randomly interjecting into the conversation  "I am a good mother"..   "of course I will be blamed".   Taking every word as an accusation against her...way off topic and context.
She does not seem happy at all.  Some may say this is vengeance or karma that all is not happy in gayland.    I really don't want that..she put us through all this trouble and destruction... the least she can do is be happy...happy enough to leave me alone and not take her troubles out on me.     I  want no unhappiness taken out on me.    

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, Phoenix.  But it wasn't a waste.  I'm sure you had some fun along the way.  From my perspective, you are proving that you're not just going to be desperate, but are willing to take the decision seriously on who you choose to spend your time with, moving forward.  I also don't think you're further away from finding a wife than you were yesterday.  I mean, yesterday you were with the wrong person.  Today you're one day closer to finding the right one. 

I think it's really good that you're looking at compatibility the way you are.  You can find a good person who's kind and loving, but just doesn't fit you the right way for long-term happiness.  Don't try to make a piece fit that doesn't appear to do so on its own.  Keep looking for the right piece.  Know that just because you're ready doesn't mean that you're going to automatically find the person immediately.  Nothing in life works that way - not buying a home, not having a child, not improving your health or getting an education.  It takes time, hard work, and perseverance.  Everyone you eliminate means you're closer to finding the right one.  You don't delve into a haystack to find a needle and come up with a fistful of hay and decide that the needle can't be found.  You weed through each and every piece of hay, even it takes you forever.  If the needle is what you're looking for, then keep going.

I think part of the reason my husband and I work so well together is because our love languages are the same.  We are very different people in many ways, but we fulfill each other very well.  He loves being touched, and I love touching.  I'm okay with being touched, but don't derive the pleasure from it that I do from touching.  Almost every night he gets a good back scratch followed by a rub out and then some neck and shoulder massage, and light head rubbing (he's bald).  It makes him feel so loved for me to do this, and I love making him feel that way.  There are other alignments too - we both love words of affirmation and give and receive them freely.  We both provide acts of service for others.  We seem to have the love language thing covered, and it's.... easy - when you're matched well.  Don't try to mold yourself into someone who accepts what the other person has to give - look for someone who naturally gives what you need - and vice versa.  It make a world of difference.

I know that for me, I figured that finding the right person would be impossible.  I mean, here I was, a woman of 40 with three kids - one of whom had horrific behavior.  I was overweight, loud, and high emotion.  I had no money to speak of, but lots of debt.  Now, I had a lot to give too - I was employed, I was a hard worker, I kept a clean home, I can cook, I'm spontaneous, I'm funny, I love to laugh, and I love sex.  Lol.  But I'm sure there are a ton of women out there that can offer that.  So first thing was to get someone to want the package that I was offering.  THEN they had to be a certain kind of person.  I'm a very strong, intelligent woman - it was going to take someone very special to neither cowtail to me or try to make me submissive.  In fact, I'd never even met that kind of man before!  He'd need to be fun, have a sarcastic sense of humor, live in the area, be willing to be married if the relationship moves in that direction.  He had to be someone who enjoyed both going out and staying in.  Had to love animals - or at least let me.  Lol.  Had to get along with my family, had to have at least one child (so he understood that connection), but not a ton (I don't need a Brady Bunch scenario!).  Needed to have a good job that he'd stuck out for a while.  Had to be self-motivated and a hard worker.  Had to be "manly" without being chauvanistic.  GOD - the list went on and on!  And these weren't even the WANTS so much as the NEEDS!  Ideally, I wanted him to be tall and handsome (to me).  A gentleman, but not in the bedroom.  Ha ha.  You know I got?  ALL.OF.IT.  And SO much more.  Love the same foods, find fun in the same things.  A leader to my family.  A man who lets me make a ton of decisions, but is clear when something is non negotiable.  He is ALWAYS healthy, and ALWAYS kind about my long list of aches and pains.  Protects me and our children.  Wants to have fun.  I would not have been able to dream up this much in one person if I'd spent a lifetime on it!  This is a twice-divorced man who had a bankruptcy in his past.  And he just bought me a house.

She's out there.  You will find her.  Don't dismay.

Kel
 

Kel wrote:

I also don't think you're further away from finding a wife than you were yesterday.  I mean, yesterday you were with the wrong person.  Today you're one day closer to finding the right one. 
 

This is a very good point Kel.  You are right that being one step down the wrong road is in fact further away from my goal. 


Rob.. I applaud you for knowing that you are not ready.  That's a very important thing.  Too many people lack consideration for others and jump out there to find only selfish fulfillment.  In the end they wind up only hurting themselves and their dates when the implode and turn everything into a mess.