OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



May 8, 2018 6:26 am  #1


My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

18 years of marriage. Since beggining i heard that my husband was molested as a child and because of this he like to watche gay movies. He never really forced me to watch it with him ect. He always said it was fantasy. Since he turned 50 all went down hill . He insisted i had outside marriage sex with another men ( never did or i ever will ) . He verbally was bullying  me and all sexual mind games went for months . Always when i was away , he was away . In february i finally lost it and ask him to prove to me that he actually sleeps with men....so he did he send me few pictures .... and morning after he said that he was fighting with this for years , that this is need of hes body . That he loves me but this is only fantasy .....and so on.  Going through our marriage of 18 years i had many indications that he might be ,, hiding in a closed " now he doesnt want to talk about it... is  extramally nice to me.. but i am so confused. Am sure he is gay but will never admite to it..   i feel numb and confused and angry and sad.... anybody had or is in simmilar situation? Thanks in advance.

Last edited by Zuza _uk (May 8, 2018 3:51 pm)

 

May 8, 2018 12:15 pm  #2


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

Thanj you for ypur post. U are right action  speaks more than words. I now am exhausted we have 1 Girl  shes not even 6 yet . I also have to keep pretending to everybody like this poker face 24/7 ....and then i ...drop with fatigue.. i have seen therapist and am not depressed ....yet but in the edge . What is your story? Xx

Last edited by Zuza _uk (May 8, 2018 3:53 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

May 8, 2018 3:47 pm  #3


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

Zuza, 

I think your story is very similar to many that I have heard from women here on this forum. 
The narrative of "fantasy about a male body because of childhood abuse" is one that I think is most often a lie.  I think it's a socially accepted "excuse".  I think your husband doesn't want to be gay, but can't help it.  So he married you to appear straight, but he indulges in his desires for men.    He wanted you to experiment with other men so that he had the right to do it as well. 

Welcome to our group.  I'm very sorry you find yourself here. 

Let us know how we can continue to help you. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 8, 2018 5:36 pm  #4


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

My husband had this contorted logic, that since his extracurricular activities didn't involve "falling in love" they couldn't have been all that threatening to me.  When I pointed out that I'd never cheated on him, he replied "I never stopped you."  That was an eye-opener to me, because just for starters it overlooked the fact that I would never, ever have done anything to hurt him, and I knew that cheating would have devastated him.  What I thought about later was this whole idea that he was thinking we'd be on equal footing again if I had loveless sex, too.  But it overlooks the fact that I didn't want to have random one-nighters with total strangers, the way he does.  If I'd wanted that, I could have done it when I was single ... but I didn't then, so why would it appeal to me now?  I just kept coming back to that question, what am I supposed to do now, go on "Ashley Madison" and have random sex with the exact same kinds of men I always avoided when I was single?

So in my middle-of-the-night obsessive musings, I wonder if he'd feel quite as confident if I had responded "Great, thanks, good to know!  Just so you know, I'm going to find a man who turns me on, which means I want someone I can really respect, admire and love, and who would never ever in a million years lie to me or lead me on.  Glad to know you're good with that!"

Apparently he and I have vastly different understandings of what it means to love another person.


Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
 

May 8, 2018 6:17 pm  #5


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

Walkbymyself ... my husband suggested the same thing to me..that it was okay to go have sex with other men because sex does not mean love. Like it's going to make it okay because he is going out to have sex with strange men! I'm going to have to remember your quote the next time he brings it up. 
There are times when I fantasize about someone whisking me off my feet and off into the sunset we go!!! LOL. But, that only happens in the movies! 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

May 9, 2018 8:11 am  #6


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

Can i ask u question ? I am thinking of confronting my Husband ... gently just tell him all information I gathered ...and ask him to admit this ...to himself moslty.  .. Did any of you have done it? Will do it? Thabk you in advance  . Zuza

     Thread Starter
 

May 9, 2018 1:00 pm  #7


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

Zuza...for me, I finally asked him because I was throwing up nearly every night at around 3am and he asked me what is going on. I asked him "how long have you been bisexual?" and it went from there. I should have told him I want out at that point. Now a year and a half later I am still here wondering what's next. He told me the guy he was seeing for sex was the only one. Yea, right. Now I find out he is going to gay clubs for hook-ups. 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

May 9, 2018 1:46 pm  #8


Re: My husband is not admiting that hes Gay

Zuza: I've posted about this before ... I had a long, long time to think things over before I finally screwed up the courage to say anything to him.  But a couple of pointers: first, I tried to avoid creating an atmosphere of "confrontation."  Maybe a better way to frame it is "reconciliation."  This is because in my marriage, there was so much fighting, lying and defensiveness that I worried a confrontation would really backfire.  

Second, I avoided presenting him with questions, because I knew if he had the chance he would try to lie his way out.  So I made statements.  "You  have been living a double life.  You cannot possibly be happy."  I wouldn't have said "are you gay?" or "are you bi?" since that opened a door for him to lie to me.

When he tried to sound me out about how much I knew, I was completely direct: "You have a long history of only confessing to the stuff you think you've already been caught at.  So I'm not going to tell you how much I know.  I know enough."  I'd give him the same response on "How did you figure this out?" because I didn't want to get sidetracked by what a terrible person I am invading his privacy by blah blah blah.

So I'd say, try to avoid the language of confrontation, and instead present language of reconciliation.  That doesn't mean you've decided to forgive and forget, it means you already know everything and you are considering all of your options, but in the meantime if he wants to come clean, the door is open.


Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum