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| Support » Amicable relationships » January 17, 2023 4:06 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 27
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At first, I eagerly embraced her. I thought it would bring us closer, now that she could be open with me. And I guess it did for a few weeks. She started to push me away, reject me, treat me badly, accuse me of things and project all kinds of stuff she herself was feeling and struggling with.
I promptly got into therapy once a week. I was angry, so deeply hurt, confused, still stubbornly hopeful though. I found this forum at that point and read so many comments that were intensely angry. I couldn't read that and not give in to that in myself, so for my own protection and my family, I couldn't seek support here.
It's been two years. She has finally determined that she's 100% lesbian. I've processed through some of my anger and I need support from people who understand. I've been almost 100% isolated in this situation, aside from my therapist. So it's partly my growth in working through my own anger, and partly the need to be seen by people who understand.
This level of confusion and pain is unbearable most of the time, you know? While I'm committed to trying to make this the best situation I can for my kids, and eventually us I hope, I struggling every day. Actually, i'm usually hopeless and grieving, but I'm trying.
Ellexoh_nz wrote:HereInMpls2717 wrote:I avoided this forum for a long time because of the pervasive negativity ....
Welcome to our Forum Mpls. I get that....I was in the same spot as you and thought about retreating/not posting here because almost everybody was telling me I would leave/I should leave/there's no hope/save yourself.
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But I needed to hear the negative as well as the positive to discover where I sit on the Mindfuck curve. So I stuck around, got some good advice, some not so good and some irrelevant to my situation. Because many of us are on the same journey but none of the circumstances are ever exactly the same but I can still appreciate what another staightspouse is going through.
I myself have a bisexual partner, raised
| Support » Amicable relationships » January 17, 2023 3:51 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 27
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I hope it's straight forward. We frequently have problems with communication. It's not a wonderful situation by any means, but I hope it'll have a good result. Thanks for your well wishes!
| Our Stories » My story » January 16, 2023 2:16 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 0
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Edit- I'm not sure what's true from my life the last 23 years and what isn't, so I don't want to share it anymore. Maybe I'll come back to it eventually.
| Support » Amicable relationships » January 16, 2023 1:28 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 27
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I avoided this forum for a long time because of the pervasive negativity I've seen here. I understand the anger and pain. I've experienced it. I'm still experiencing it. I really do relate and understand.
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That said, my LW didn't choose our situation. Not really. Yes, she knew she was attracted to women at an early age. She also knew it was considered sinful and wrong. She knew she'd been taught that no one could actually be gay, it was just a temptation she had to overcome. And she was promised that if she "obeyed the bible", got married, had kids and lived a "holy" life those feelings would go away. She'd be redeemed. She'd be rewarded with happiness and love. So she pursued me as much as I pursued her. When I asked her to marry me, she happily said yes.
Guess what? Those who taught such things were liars. We got married at 20, we had 6 kids, we lived the life we were supposed to. It never worked because we were mismatched. We were "unequally yoked" for the Christians out there. Not an sinner and a believer, but a man and a lesbian. That doesn't work, believe it or not
We've finally accepted things. We can both see how badly this is destroying each of us. It's sad. It's experiencing the death of your spouse in a sense, while seeing them walking around and living every day. It's surreal and horribly painful, but better than the weeks where I kept finding myself thinking it would be better if I wasn't here anymore.
We're pursuing separation and divorce, and we're remaining friends and co-parenting our kids. It'll be awkward and messy at times, but we're committing to kindness, compassion and supporting each other through it. We still love each other. We still like each other. Her being gay doesn't change that. My view is that I can't blame her for something she didn't understand and couldn't have known, even if it's blowing up my life and I'm in the worst emotional pain I can imagine. Thankfully she di
| Strategies for MOM's » Everything is falling apart » November 29, 2022 1:21 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 8
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This is my first post. I've read a few posts and I've listened to the entire podcast. I'm writing this while going between feeling numb and crying uncontrollably so if I sound detached, that's why.
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I need to start with our story. My wife is my best friend. For me it was love at first sight. I moved across the country for college to Minneapolis, MN. I'd never been to MN and I didn't know a single person. I met and talked to several people when I got to campus but then I looked up and saw her through a window and I was stricken. We met each other and talked flirtatiously a few times but never really got to know each other until the spring. Finally I saw her in a hallway late at night while she was talking to a friend. I decided to wait until she was done talking to him. I had to give it a shot. We walked around the city for hours, talking. A few weeks later we went on a date and started spending a lot of time together. Six weeks later I left school for the summer. We held each other and she walked away crying. I knew I was in love with her and 2 weeks later I asked her to marry me over a phone call. She said yes and we got married 6 months later.
We had a rocky relationship for a number of reasons. Lots of childhood trauma for both of us. Religious trauma and indoctrination. A lot of trying to do the things we "should" to be good Christians and have a good life and marriage. We had 6 kids. She was pregnant or nursing for over 16 years without interruption. It was hard. We fought, we were often unhappy, but we stuck with it because we loved each other. Truly, honestly, loved each other. It's been 23 years.
My wife came out to me as not straight about 21 months ago. I had thought she might be bisexual because I knew she had some attraction to women, but we had an active sexual relationship and she expressed enjoyment and desire for me often. As a Christian she was taught her attraction to women was a temptation, some inclination toward a certain sin that she needed t