Thank you all soooooo much. My husband has made such a big deal out of pointing out my anxiety that I just felt so unwanted and could barely wrap my grieving mind around him telling me it didn't bother him for 20 years and then all the sudden it was the worst thing ever -- he just had to get away from me. I trusted him so much. It was like when Rob's wife accused him of cheating and even though he NEVER did, he had to stop for a second and ask himself, did I cheat? That's how much I looked up to my husband -- I believed every word he ever said. And when he told me my anxiety was the reason for leaving me, it just scarred my soul even more than I thought possible. He's not a narcissist and we didn't go through years of gas lighting and abuse. It just all happened VERY quickly and it hurts like hell to be betrayed two times -- first by finding out the "love of your life" is gay and then by being told he's really leaving because of you. Now if anyone told my friends something like that, I'd be like -- what the hell, why are you listening to that asshole?!? But when it's me, I'm my own worse critic and it just confirmed for me my worst fear -- that I am too flawed for anyone. 

Mary,

Have you seen a psychiatrist for meds? With this trauma, it could help.

I understand how you feel -- joy seems like an impossible thing when we're going through this. My hope is, as others who are further along in their journey have posted, that it does come back.

Sue

Kel and Still Wondering helped me out a bunch a month or so back with general questions about online dating. Since I haven't been on a first date since 1995, needless to say I needed the advice!

So here's where I am and I'm going to be very frank about a couple of topics, so be forewarned.

I tried three different sites, and one seemed to work best for me. You all were right -- you just put a photo or two out there and man are there a lot of interested guys, about 90% of which I'd never date. Let's just say I live in an area that is full of beach bums, good ole boys, and people of the opposite political persuasion. 

I've only encountered one that I'm truly interested in meeting, but he really does stick out because he seems genuine and his introductory e-mail was not along the lines of "hey pretty mermaid, I can't believe no one has reeled you in yet." <insert gagging sound here -- yes I really did receive that in an email> Just a nice guy (from what I can tell from about 20 emails back and forth over a couple of weeks). We finally got into more personal discussion and I (with EXTREME trepidation) told him about my gay spouse. I couldn't believe how laid back he was about it, saying this was the third time he'd personally known of this happening. He mentioned all the guys were in their 40s, two gay and one trans. It was very refreshing to see that what I might perceive as a potential train wreck, he pretty much could care less about, except to be very nice to say how hard it must be on my kids and me.

His own divorce was run of the mill, lucky him.

Now here's where my HUGEST insecurity of all comes in and I've mentioned this maybe once before on the forum. I have an anxiety disorder, which means I sometimes suffer from panic attacks. I have had these since I was a teenager. My nearly-XGIDH and I started dating when I was 20. He was always very understanding about my illness, for lack of a better term. He knew all about it before we married. He saw me through t

No, not at all. :-) The only person who's caused me pain is my liar of a husband. But I have a new best friend and it's spelled A-L-I-M-O-N-Y.

That's awesome, Todd. I have a really hard time not fighting my ex when I know he's being stupid and petty (which only hurts the kids). You showed wonderful restraint! I'm learning from a friend who is both a divorce lawyer and was left by her cheating husband with a 1 and a 2 year old, that answering in 6 words or less is helpful, as is "my lawyer will get back to you on that." I know you're past the divorce, but those help keep me semi-sane.