Sean,

Grateful to know you are picking up what I'm throwing down lol, to coin a phrase here.

While Gary comes across as exceedingly reasonable and trying to be a "good guy", I can't help but detect that the truth is not within his wifes grasp. Truth is needed in decision making. To have an understanding of what is real, what is a self (or partner) created fantasy, and where to go after that is the crux of the vast majority of posts on this board. Gary likes to think that he has provided his wife the truth while at the same time keeping her completely in the dark regarding both the machinations of his mind and the actions he has admitted to.

Gary is an interesting combination of mea culpa, wait I'm really okay, no I'm not okay I have issues, my issues are insignificant compared to other guys, I tell my wife the truth, no my wife doesn't know what I do at all, I'm a victim of "human frailty".

He's a fascinating read.

Gary,

You say your wife "knows the truth" and yet "chose to stay". Are you saying your wife knows "I consider myself gay" (even though you seem to go back and forth with being bi, confusing) or are you saying your wife REALLY knows the truth?

Here's the difference. "My wife knows I toss around a gay identity because I have tearfully told her so." Vs. "My wife knows I look at gay magazines, jerk off to gay porn a couple times a day, cruise craigslist looking at ads, and have grindr and scruff on my phone/laptop to look at and chat on frequently. She knows I have a constant eye for men because when ones I like come on tv/movies I actually say outloud how good looking he is and what a fine ass that man has. When we go shopping and walk through the mall I give voice to what men I'm looking at. She knows when we have sex I think about my 27 yr old neighbor, Dan, and fantasize about him sexually in order to perform and get off. She knows I have a collection of dildos I play with regularly in order to satisfy myself. We talk frequently about the bath houses, clubs, and gay hookup events I would find it exciting to go to." Etc etc. This scenario even excludes any actual hooking up you've ever done and explaining to her what that was for you in great detail!

What kind of truth does your wife have, Gary? The kind of truth that is whole, detailed and unvarnished, or the kind that is a superficial nod in the gay direction? When it comes to decision making - what have you given her to make decisions with? Because the versions of "truth" we are all familiar with from closeted significant others, tends to be little to no truth at all.

Btw, sorry you feel some of this is harsh, the truth tends to be harsh when it's not covered in sugar to minimize impact and spin the weight of it. I can't speak for others here, but rest assured, my intent is not to be harsh with you. My intent is to be bluntly honest.

Gary says: "My marriage didn't mean anything and I was living a lie."

Perhaps this statement needs clarity.

What it means for me is exactly what it says. Exactly. I didn't sign up for a friend. I have friends. I didn't need a roommate. I wasn't wanting a companion to keep me company. The love that exists with a gay man and straight woman encompasses those things. It is missing all values that define romantic love. Intimate desire, craving, intense attraction, sexual want, that giddy feeling, the bond that can only result from those things. If those things were intact in a man for a woman - well, he wouldn't be gay now would he.

When a gay partner manipulates, lies, and puts on an act displaying those things, you are living a lie. He/she seeks to make you believe those things are there as they should be. They attempt to hold fast to you for their own purposes, all the while knowing the relationship is a farce, fully aware that their feelings are merely present as a friend/roommate/companion.

Gary, it sounds to me like you are still in denial and still wanting her to fix things for you.
"if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well.  That really messed me up.  I'd rather her say that she'd never speak to me again.  I can live with the former but not with the later.  Perhaps it was a loving gesture but I wish she'd never said that.  It opened the door to the closet and I haven't been able to get back in and close the door since."
It is not her job to keep your closet door shut. Not her responsibility to enable you in any way. Every bit of that belongs to you.

I would further suggest to you that her statement of "if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well" is because she is acutely aware of the things missing in your relationship that she needs/wants fulfilled. Those items can only be provided by a straight man.

Sounds like you have a

Deceived&Lost,

I'll drop you an inbox note later today on how to investigate this thoroughly. Swamped right now in work.

Keep in mind that you are more than likely going to find out everything you already suspect. Straight men do not collect (or save) penis pics of any variety and do not communicate with gay men online in the manner you have outlined.

https://books.google.com/books/about/Out_of_the_Shadows.html?id=b1C6-lFkorYC

Patrick Carnes is one of the leading authorities on sex addiction (virtual and irl). I highly recommend his books for those wanting ed on the topic.

Above is a large preview of chapters you can read from Out of the Shadows.