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| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 13, 2024 12:53 pm |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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OutofHisCloset wrote:So you're a professional problem solver! That doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. It sounds like a valuable skill! I do understand that jumping in to solve another's problem when it's not our problem to solve can be or indicate a problem, but I think it's a bit harsh to see it as a personality defect, especially when our spouses might present their situation as a problem for us to solve. But surely actually engaging with the problem is a more positive approach than simply pretending it doesn't exist, hiding, and acting in secret--your spouse's--and my ex's--response.
I agree with you...all my life I thought my skill was valuable ...I never thought I can be stunned with a situation...yet here I am ... questioning the same skill that helped me survive before...
He is trying to pretend nothing is wrong...asking me if I want to eat out !!! Living in denial !
He wants a week to think ...all what I want to do is move out so I can feel ok...
I might sound like a bad person but currently I have zero empathy to people who live in their closet and lie to others or use us as their rehab plan ...
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 13, 2024 12:48 pm |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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Canary2 wrote:
I believe people here have waaaay too much empathy for the situation. You are not realizing what a cheat and liar the person is.
…
I ended up “dating” a man who 8 years prior to me was in a 15 year marriage. He was the most upstanding citizen you could imagine. I thought I was dating the nicest, Mr Rogers kind of guy. I actually thought he was so nice and mild mannered that he didn’t have enough of an edge for me.
He specifically started asking me to go on hikes with him. Along with his 10 year old son. Very specifically planned hikes. Ones that he could have easily gone on by himself, but I was really excited to meet his son. I packed trail mix and brought maps of the area. He was really insistent that we go on the hike at a very specific time and I thought it was because he is a very methodical and precise man. It was pouring rain, dead of winter, and he still insisted that we go on the hike. I thought it was because he did not want to break plans with me.
The hike was 20 miles south of the city, in a really weird location. Not really a “hike” at all. More like a rail trail path that goes down to the water. At the waterfront, there were some tunnels that go under railroad tracks, and inside the tunnels was a lot of really creepy graffiti. Me and his son sat at the waterfront (on some logs that were strewn about), but I noticed that he did not sit watching the water. He had his eyes on the tunnels.
He posed me and his son on a little hill above the tunnels and even took a picture. It was pouring sheets of rain, and what I also noticed was that my date was not wearing a jacket for this 2 mile hike.
I asked his son when my date went into the bathroom, if they had been to this location before. Because I had the strange feeling like they both were very familiar with the place. His son tells me they had been there “many times”. My date had gone off to the bathroom, and seemed to be there for not a huge amount of time, but it was a fairl
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 13, 2024 7:10 am |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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OutofHisCloset wrote:
Lost,
Sean is big on calling the spouses of gay people "co-dependent," but co-dependence can look a lot like victim blaming, and the entire edifice of "co-dependency" is not supported by the data.
Instead of blaming yourself as co-dependent, which merely leads you to castigate yourself, you would feel less bad about yourself and more able to get out of your situation if instead you realize that there are good reasons it's difficult for you to stop loving your partner (and giving him the benefit of the doubt) and leave a relationship. You are bonded to him; you have invested years in the relationship; you have children with him; the entire culture sends you the message that kids shouldn't come from "broken homes" (although arguably they are already living in one, as their father is lying and conniving), etc.
From what I've seen from years spent on this Forum, and on Chump Lady (a forum for the spouses of those who cheat, with the express aim of empowering the cheated-on to leave, with empowering cognitive tools and practical advice--I recommend it!), detaching emotionally from one's spouse is very difficult, and we often initially feel empathy for them, and want to help, because we are bonded to them, and because we want very desperately to fix the problem. We give them the benefit of the doubt, even after there is no doubt we shouldn't be giving them the benefit of the doubt. Emotional detachment, and re-seeing the spouse you've loved and made allowances for (explained away behavior, say), is a gradual process, even when you've seen the truth, can't unsee it, and know you can't deny it.
Out of his closet , I appreciate your response but I think I try to fix problems in every way and for everyone. ..it's part of my job ! For God sake I'm a director of a huge health care system in my thirties ! It's for the soul reason of my ability to navig
…
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 13, 2024 2:06 am |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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Rob wrote:
Lost,
What scared me is I never saw my GX cry.. zero remorse. That was scarier than the shock of the gayness.
But his crying or remorse now is that he was caught and is realizing their are consequences to his actions. And unlike a regular affair there are no take backs..you will forever wonder if hrs meeting a friend for a beer or if it's a date. The anxiety is crippling and these spouse just don't get it.
We love them and can feel for them. You need not be unkind. But your kids need a strong parent and he is just not it. And you can't be a strong mom with a husband hurting you.
Wishing you strength and fierce courage.Thank you Rob..you are right I should be a strong parent for my kids .In my mind I keep on saying he never goes to meet friends ,he doesn't even have friends but he has occasional oncall days and I can never be sure where he is because it never occurred to me to check !
He says I'm his friend ..maybe it's true but I can't know for sure as you said.
He is extremely manipulative and I'm extremely co dependant apparently.
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 12, 2024 9:01 am |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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Daryl wrote:
More than one person on this forum has admitted to being codependant.
"I can fix him/her..."
Sometimes on this journey we learn as much about ourselves as we do about our spouse or ex.
Yes exactly. I know deep in my heart I can't fix this !!! 💔 but it hurts me to see him crying .
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 11, 2024 9:14 pm |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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Thelight wrote:
At get it you want to help him through it. I’m right there with you. Your story resonates with mine. I’m still trying to navigate this mess. Sean on here sent me coda.org a codependency forum and resources that is helping me understand that I am codependent and trying to put myself first .
Thank you for responding .I actually don't understand why I feel like hugging him. I don't want him to hurt but he made me suffer so much.
I should just live through the process like everyone here. I will check the forum.I appreciate every response I got so far ...it's all helpful.
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 11, 2024 7:42 pm |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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Lostperson wrote:OutofHisCloset wrote:
His mentioning suicide, in addition to being a form of blame shifting, could be an attempt at manipulating you. Calling his bluff, if it is a bluff, is, as Daryl says, a good way to short-circuit that behavior. And if it is real, then you will have helped him. Remember one thing: suicide is never the fault of anyone except the person who chooses it. (And I say this as a person whose father killed himself.)
…
Go to the General Discussion board, where the second thread is "First Aid Kit." It has helpful advice.
My personal advice is that you go to see two people, asap:
your doctor, explain what's happening. If you need medication, use it. My medical practice also had psychologists available for short term counseling, and my doctor referred me for psychological help. Do not worry that you are "outing" him to your doctor. Your doctor will hold your confidence. And, it's never "outing" someone else to discuss your own life with others. It's not your secret to keep, and it's not your closet to live in.
a lawyer, who can help you through the process of separation, child support, and divorce. Do not tell your husband you are visiting a lawyer. And do not get talked into mediation by your stbx without running it by your lawyer.
You can find a lawyer by googling "family law lawyers" in your area. You can also ask around to friends, if you know anyone who is divorced. Depending on your spouse, you may want to look for someone with experience in "high conflict" divorce, or to engage a "super lawyer" (a lawyer that has earned that designation by his or her peers). You can also ask if they have experience in negotiating divorce with a closeted spouse. It's not necessary for your lawyer to have that experience, but it can be useful. You can consult more than one--go with the lawyer you click with best. Often an iniital consultation is free, but not always.
It's also very helpful if
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 11, 2024 1:04 pm |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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OutofHisCloset wrote:
His mentioning suicide, in addition to being a form of blame shifting, could be an attempt at manipulating you. Calling his bluff, if it is a bluff, is, as Daryl says, a good way to short-circuit that behavior. And if it is real, then you will have helped him. Remember one thing: suicide is never the fault of anyone except the person who chooses it. (And I say this as a person whose father killed himself.)
…
Go to the General Discussion board, where the second thread is "First Aid Kit." It has helpful advice.
My personal advice is that you go to see two people, asap:
your doctor, explain what's happening. If you need medication, use it. My medical practice also had psychologists available for short term counseling, and my doctor referred me for psychological help. Do not worry that you are "outing" him to your doctor. Your doctor will hold your confidence. And, it's never "outing" someone else to discuss your own life with others. It's not your secret to keep, and it's not your closet to live in.
a lawyer, who can help you through the process of separation, child support, and divorce. Do not tell your husband you are visiting a lawyer. And do not get talked into mediation by your stbx without running it by your lawyer.
You can find a lawyer by googling "family law lawyers" in your area. You can also ask around to friends, if you know anyone who is divorced. Depending on your spouse, you may want to look for someone with experience in "high conflict" divorce, or to engage a "super lawyer" (a lawyer that has earned that designation by his or her peers). You can also ask if they have experience in negotiating divorce with a closeted spouse. It's not necessary for your lawyer to have that experience, but it can be useful. You can consult more than one--go with the lawyer you click with best. Often an iniital consultation is free, but not always.
It's also very helpful if you can talk to so
| Is He/She Gay » I can't make a decision » May 11, 2024 9:31 am |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 51
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Daryl wrote:
In addition - him mentioning prior suicide attempts may be a form of blame shifting.
I suggest that if he mentions suicide again, you immediately call 911 to get him some help.
There's a good chance he will be taken into protective custody for a 24-hour watch and evaluation.
If he is faking it to keep you from moving on, it will likely be the last time he tries that tactic.
If he is not faking it, you did the right thing.
As for a 'friendly-divorce', if there is such a thing, much of this depends on how he reacts. Don't settle for whatever he wants to offer you from the goodness of his heart. As OoHC mentioned, the pics and messages are your strongest cards to play, along with 50/50 access to the kids. Don't throw those cards out of your hand. I'd also recommend you get legal advice and someone to represent your interests.Thank you for responding .I told him I'll call 911 immediately so he said it's not now..it's when the thoughts come ! I told him he has children and he wanted them so bad so he should stay for them.
I personally think he was trying to scare me but you are absolutely right I'll just call 911 if this happens again.
I will get a lawyer but where should I start ? A divorce psychologist ? A mediator ?a lawyer?
My brain usually works 1000 miles per hour but nowadays I can't even breathe .
| Support » Forgiveness » May 11, 2024 8:30 am |
- Lostperson
- Replies: 22
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Anon2222 wrote:
Elle - I agree with you. I spent awhile being so angry with him. I spent even longer being angry at myself...all the accusations. How did I not know? How did I not see this coming? Why did I put up with all this abuse? Why didn't I just leave?
Forgiving myself, and working on not blaming myself, or feeling ashamed, or humiliated, has taken a lot longer. But, I have seen the mental shift in myself. When I stopped trying to figure out why on earth he would do this....and switched to the mindset of holy cow he must be one messed up individual and is not a good person.How long did it take you to forgive your self ? I'm struggling with shame,guilt and feeling that I shouldn't have been a fool