You love him and want him to be happy. That’s the way it should be. Also, you deserve to be loved and happy. One of the hard parts in situations like these is that our needs are opposed. He can’t be happy unless he transitions in some way (I assume). You can’t be happy married to a trans woman. Both of those things are valid.

You can’t sacrifice yourselves for the other like that. It’s doesn’t work. That isn’t love. It would be motivated by love but there’s a difference.

Telling others about what you're going through and feeling when you're suffering like this is not complaining. You deserve to be supported. You never have to apologize for expressing yourself here. The confusion, anger, panic, sadness, betrayal, grief, resentment and frustration are all familiar here. 

"I can't believe you'd let something as trivial as my genitals stop you from loving me."

I could have said that to my lesbian wife because I haven't changed- I'm what she knew she was getting from the start. Your husband knew what he was getting with you too. Would he feel the same if you transitioned? Or made some other change to yourself that completely altered who you appeared to be or how you acted? And even if he would (which I think is doubtful but likely unknowable), that doesn't invalidate how you feel or respond to him in this. I think what our spouses/ex-spouses aren't understanding is that we picked them, loved them, accepted them, desired them for who they showed themselves to be. We trusted that we were both going into the relationship honestly and vulnerably as our true selves. Sure people get older, maybe gain weight, pick up some bad or annoying habits, even change some significant beliefs, etc. Maybe there are health issues that completely alter how your relationship works. That's not the same kind of change as altering your gender or sexuality. If the change isn't that big a deal, why are they doing it? If they're the same person as before, why are the changes happening? With the change, they're completely altering our relationship and lives because now we're tied to them and this incredibly confusing complication, deception and loss. It's frustrating because they appeal to our empathy while giving us little to none.

I'm sorry you belong here, it's not a club membership anyone wants, but at least you'll be supported, understood and cared for here.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Mpls:
 I was a college professor during the rise of the alphabet soup of the + that now appears after "LGBTQ" and the proliferation of ways to say common sensical ideas like "wants a monogamous relationship with an emotional connection" was almost funny.  And yes, I'd say the poster is in "oldspeak" a heterosexual woman who wants a monogamous relationship, one that fosters emotional connection and intimacy.  And in "newspeak" she still wants that. 

I don't know if that's the case and I'm not a fan of telling people the way they define themselves is incorrect, or that their experience of themselves isn't real. Guess what landed me in my situation? My wife being told that no one is born gay, that it can't be your part of your identity. If someone tells me their preferences or way of being in the world sound significantly different than what others describe, I'm going to accept that. I have no right, knowledge or authority to do otherwise. 

If being demi- sounds correct to the poster, and she's determined that her experience sounds different than others' experiences that are described as monogamous, I trust her to understand herself better than I do. 

This isn't a post about my spouse. We have to move forward and it's an awful process. I hate this.

We met with a therapist today on zoom (my LW was 6 hours away) who specializes in helping couples like us through whatever we're deciding to do. We talked about separating and how to accomplish that with as little disruption for our kids as possible, while being fair to both of us too. 

The therapist asked about our current living situation and my wife said everyone has a bedroom while our two youngest kids share a room. I must have looked a certain way because the therapist asked if there was something I wanted to say. I stammered a bit, then said that actually, everyone has a bedroom but me. That I'm sleeping on the couch until we figure out our living situation. She said it sounds like I feel pushed out. I said I don't blame my wife for her sexuality but I feel like I'm losing everything and I didn't do anything to cause it. The video froze and we moved onto something else, so I don't know if either of them heard that, but it felt nice to be acknowledged. 

So now I'm looking for an apartment. I don't know how to do this and not lose so much with my kids. 

Hi Sad,
I'm so sorry you've endured that treatment. Most of us go through a period of time where we consider how to become what our spouse wants because it feels like there's something wrong with us when we love our spouse and want to share ourselves with them, but they reject us and say that want something different. Ultimately that's what you've experienced. Your husband has been with you and is now saying he wants something different. It doesn't matter if your husband is gay, bi, trans, or something else. What matters is how he's treating you in your relationship.

I don't believe a person can truly love someone while simultaneously rejecting them, especially because of their parts. I know that sounds harsh, but loving someone (in a marital type of relationship) means you keep choosing them. Rejection in marriage might be the most destructive thing you can experience in a relationship, even more destructive than being rejected by parents, siblings, other family or friends. We expect to be our full selves in marriage so rejection becomes incredibly personal. Love can't be one-sided. If he's treating you like this, he's focused on himself and you aren't the priority you should be. 

You've put up some healthy boundaries. That's amazing! Have you had a direct conversation with him about missing your connection and how his preferences are making you feel? Even if it's uncomfortable, the conversation has to be extremely clear with no room for confusion or misinterpretation. If you do that and he's indifferent or doesn't DO something to change things (words are great but actions are what really matter), that tells you a lot about where this is going.