Yes Rob those were her exact words to me.   I am so thankful that I have you guys who truly understand because if I didn't I think I would be convinced that I'm crazy. 

Kel, I have read and re read your list over and over again.  Thank you for taking the time to write it out.  It most certainly helps.    I know that divorce is the only real option but making that call to a lawyer seems so hard.  I just keep thinking of all the chaos that will follow.

Thanks Rob.  We have know physical contact, but we have 2 young girls and my granddaughter here at home so completely no contact isn't possible. 

What blows my mind is the complete 180 the therapist did on me.  Before she met with my husband she told me she was sure he had acted on this and that I was suffering PTSD from years of all this.  13 years.   Now just because he says he was molested. ( his father would masturbate in front of him).  Now it's all on me.

We have never had a healthy sexual relationship. The only time I would consider us active is when we were trying to have our children. Other than that I was lucky if it was once every 3-4 months. Mostly we only had sex when he was drinking but I had to make sure he wasn't too drunk. Early on in the marriage he moved to anal sex and that would be his default when he was drunk. If we did have sex when he was sober he NEVER tried for anal. (Sorry I know that's TMI). He never had an issue finishing and would do so very quickly without a thought to my sexual satisfaction. About 3-1/2-4 years ago I found Craigslist ads on the computer history where he had looked at them. M4M, T4M, W4M. I also saw that he was looking at POF. I didn't say anything because I didn't really know what to say or think. I was getting ready to leave for a week long business trip and tried to have sex with him before I left. He took oral from me and went to sleep and I layed in my bed and cried. On that trip I had an affair. Not something I'm proud of but it happened. Shortly after, I confessed the affair and asked him about the ads and porn on the history. He said he was just curious.... He said he was in a funk and wanted to make it work. I got flowers and a big apology letter. Really??? I just told you I had an affair and I get flowers. I invited him on my next trip and caught him in our hotel room masturbating to porn ( still no sex). When I looked at the history there was a gay porn video mixed in the rest. Up to that point it was always deep throat porn female on male. It has progressed from there to the periscope. He started following men, gay men and trannies. In his defense he also follows women. Last November I asked him about his periscope account and he said he didn't even know how to use it, and then went home and deleted 1/2 the people he followed and deactivated his account, just to reactivate it 2 months later and follow a bunch more men. Recently I spoke with our pastor for advice

Thank you all so much.  I have read and reread these post 1000 times.   You are all 100% correct of course.   I have decided that I am going to tell him that I want a divorce.   I have to have faith that every thing else will fall as it's meant to.  I am already such a stronger person than I started out as.   Perhaps if he had made this effort 3 years ago when I first addressed this I would have bought the porn addiction story and tried to work through this, but he didn't and I've seen way too much now.   For those of you who believe in the power of prayer I would sure appreciate a prayer for bravery and strength.   Thank you all for your advice and support

Thank you everyone. 

Kel, I wish you could be my therapist!. In a way I think you are.   It actually pissed me off that now he is doing, on the surface, all the right things.   Why now?. Why when I'm at the end of my rope ready to let go.   I know, I know to make me feel guilty and doubt myself and so when it doesn't work it can be my fault.   I just wish that we fought and argued all the time.   I wish there were visible reasons to leave, but there's not.   He's always held a steady job, been responsible, good involved father, no physical abuse, just not interested in me sexually.  Really not emotionally at all.  It's insane how he remembers our past so differently than I do.   Makes me question my sanity.   

How did you survive in the house once you told him you wanted a divorce.  If I'm being honest with myself I'm terrified of that time frame.   I don't think he will leave the house and I don't want to uproot my kids anymore than I have to.   I don't know that I can watch him be all broken.  I'm an empath, a fixer.  I'm praying daily for the strength to have this conversation and then feel like a hypocrite asking God to help me end my marriage.