EagleD - 

Sad, angry, hurt, and let down all normal in this horrific situation.  

I'm at the end of 27 year marriage (will be close to 28), divorce to be settled hopefully soon.  I had the most amazing, full life that we built together.  We too had everything - only to be flushed by a dishonest ------- for quick !*&#s in public restrooms, bike trails, parking lots, my car, and my bed.  Such a mind fuck.  I lacked the red flags so commonly seen in retrospect.   My husband was one of the most amazing men (so I thought) I have ever known, full of integrity, a great dad (again so I thought), our sex life was fun, frequent and fulfilling (HA!).  I loved him with all of me.  In the divorce he assured me he would "OF COURSE" take care of me and the kids and of course we weren't going to fight over typical things and nit pick about money.  That is one of the many many lies he told me.  The "man" I knew would have put me and the kids first.  Instead he is completely selfish all the while basking in his support group and therapist and lawyer's praise of how "generous" he is being.  It's heartbreaking and hell.

Personal advice:  read through the forum, I "lurk" more than post but others' shared experiences and advice have been a lifeline just to know I am not alone.  Post if you need to rant (although I've been disappointed that no one has responded to individual messages - maybe this just isn't the culture on this forum?), it helps.  If you happen to be down the coast to DC/NOVA area I'm happy to meet for coffee.  There used to be a straight spouse group in my area that met in person in 2020/2021 and that helped tremendously!!  Unfortunately they are no longer meeting but a very generous "veteran" member meets me for coffee and I cannot express to you how much it helps me get through the hell part.  Advice they shared:  "I decided that I would not let this ruin the rest of my life."  And "it's ok and appropriate to be angry."  Thankfully that's waned

Anon 765,

So glad to hear this for you!!  I'm still in the thick of it but am looking forward to the day I can say the same thing.  For me, I don't believe I will ever get the true apology or acknowledgement from my soon (hopefully) to be ex husband.  It's one of the reasons I lurk on this website and read all of your stories.  I can get a form of hope for the chapter beyond this, thanks for sharing -

"Marie"

Jon,  As someone said when I first was reading through the forum - welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join.  I too was married for almost 30 years and thought my husband was full of integrity and my best friend.  Our sex life was very frequent and more than satisfying.  There were not the "red flags" many see when looking back.  Even now, only a handful of people know we are divorcing and even less the reason why. 

It took me a few years to figure out that despite his assurances that he would take care of me and the kids and we would be amicable, he will not.

I, like many others, began the process full of hope and resilience.  I agree with the things shared by others.  Here are some things I learned and even now have to remind myself because of the disconnect between who I thought he was (amazing!) and who he is:

*  He is not the person I married, that person is dead 
*  He does not have my best interest in mind
*  He will not prioritize the kids
*  Seek the best attorney you can afford asap and follow their advice
*  Get checked for STDs asap 
*  He will lie consistently
*  I cannot trust my gut when it comes to him, I believed him every time despite the facts in front of my eyes 
*  Omar Minwalla has a good psychological model that makes sense (that my husband has an integrity disorder and sexual entitlement with impacts to me) when it comes to infidelity and "secret sexual basement"  It's helpful to read through that on his website or find his episodes on BTR podcasts or Our Voices podcast
*  Therapists can be helpful, but like all fields there are good and bad, be careful that you are not portrayed as "co-dependent" or that the perpetrator's behavior is somehow your fault
*  sometimes therapists want to redefine marriage and confuse the sexual orientation problem with the fidelity problem  - be clear for yourself it is betrayal of the highest level regardless of the sexual preference
*  One man shared his practical response

Hi Anon2222,

At the beginning of my divorce negotiations my husband put non disparagement clause in, I asked my attorney for the legal definition and what exactly the terms were... my attorney said I could not say anything about any of my experience, ever, without losing my financial settlement.  

I did not sign it.  We are still negotiating over a year later, more mediation next month.  My legal team is expecting a  gag order request (and with all the things he's done, no wonder!).  They are very experienced in divorce and family cases, I'm hopeful I can come out halfway in tact financially or at least as good as I can without any NDA, non disparaging or gag clause.

I'm sorry you are facing this part, it's a terrible layer to an already horrific experience.  

It's a terrible situation that we each have to face and walk through alone in most ways, no way around it.  It's been a little comfort the last few years for me to check the forum and know I'm not the only one living in such a circumstance, to read your stories and mourn with you the lives and spouses we thought we had.  

As usual, I wish we could meet for a cup of coffee.  Happy to message if you want more specifics.  And I agree with Elle's sentiment above!

Godspeed...

M-Kate, 

Totally reasonable... I had the same reaction - would if be any different if he wanted to fuck blondes?  That all the sudden he decided he wanted to try sex with redheads?  I'll message you w my info in case you want to talk anytime, my heart goes out to you...

"marie"