I'm looking through you...Where did you go?
I thought I knew you...What did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed.
I'm looking through you...You're not the same.

— The Beatles

 

I think this is a great idea, Phoenix. The news will never be less shocking or easier to bear, but the delivery can certainly be more delicate. Many of our spouses seem to take the kick-them-while-they're-down approach to "coming out".

My advice to the non-straight spouse:
1. Don’t come out on a significant day (birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc.)
2. Do not use your coming out as a time to talk about your general unhappiness in the marriage. Your spouse is likely (irrationally) blaming him/herself for your same-sex attraction.
3. Do not shift the blame onto your spouse: “If I felt respected…” “If I felt that you really loved me…” (etc.) this gay/bisexual thing would never even have come up…” as if your spouse somehow triggered “the gay button.”
4. Take accountability for the dishonesty, deception, and betrayal.
5. Show empathy toward your spouse.
6. Do not force your spouse into the dark, miserable closet. He/she will desperately need to talk to someone outside of the marriage (a friend, relative, etc.)
7. Do not come out to others (non-professionals) before your spouse. This one was particularly hurtful to me….the fact that someone out there (3 people, actually) knew my whole world was about to be turned upside down while I was completely in the dark.
8. Do the kind/loving thing and leave. Do not give your spouse false hope or stay in the marriage to protect your closet. Do not force your spouse (who is likely desperate to keep the family intact) to make the incredibly difficult decision to end the marriage.

I can definitely relate to this (unfortunately). I've always had lots of gay friends and have massive amounts of respect for those who have the courage to come out and live their authentic lives...But, and I hate to admit this, I've found myself somewhat triggered by the Pride flag this year--just a few weeks since my husband of 8 years revealed he is bisexual. Logically, I know most of the LGBT community celebrating Pride month probably don't have a deceived straight partner withering in the shadows, but man...it is impossible not to go to that dark place now (post-life-upending bombshell). I am still with my husband and agonizing over what to do: stay in limbo or leave...but I am so angry at him for turning rainbows into a PTSD trigger of sorts. I hope this will pass in time.
Kudos to you for accelerating the leave process. I know that must have been incredibly difficult, but you seem very strong.

Is it normal to experience intense waves of grief that come suddenly and sometimes linger the entire day?
I'm three months post-"I'm bisexual" bombshell. We are still married and living together/sleeping in the same bed.  
Most days, I feel OK. Sometimes (briefly) I can even forget that my whole world was turned upside down. 
But today....today was rough, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on work (of course, I'm super busy!) or even sleep through the night.
Does the sadness ever dissipate? How do you manage the really, really awful days? 
 

Thanks, Stronger...That's really helpful! Glad to see therapy has really been helping you! I've been seeing a therapist with my husband, but in hindsight, I wish I would have sought my own therapist first. The therapist did describe what I am going through as trauma, so I think finding someone who specializes in that would be very helpful. 
Thanks so much for sharing your experience! I'm grateful to have this group, and I wish you lots of love and light in the days ahead. <3